Thanks for What?

It's that time of year again - the holidays.  For most of us divorced parents, at the time of year when everyone is talking about family, we're without.  While it's difficult not having a partner during the holidays, it's particularly difficult if and when we don't have our children.  It's easy to get overwhelmed by all the things we don't have and the things for which we're not thankful.  Divorce has a way of making us all see the glass as half empty.  We've lost a lot - materially, physically, and emotionally.  But we need to learn to focus on what we have.

First and foremost, we have our children. We often get bogged down by all the conditions that surround our relationship with our children - limited days for limited times and with limited rights.  But the bottom line is we HAVE children.  We ARE fathers.  Things can interfere with that and limit our time, limit our rights, make things difficult, etc - but nothing can or will ever change the fact that we had a part in creating new life or perhaps adopting a child.  Yes, divorce makes it very difficult, frustrating, and at times depressing.  But we have our children.  How much do you enjoy seeing their smile?  How much do you enjoy peeking in on them while they sleep?  How much pride do you have when the teacher tells you how well they're doing or knowing they do well in a sport or activity?  Our children our something for which we should always be thankful and never take for granted even if the circumstances are difficult or our time is limited.

Second, we have an opportunity to shape a life and leave a legacy.  Many men put their time and energy into work, fitness, sports, games, or casual relationships.  Not that any of those are necessarily bad, but all are ultimately fleeting.  None of it lasts for long.  With whatever time you have with your children, be the best  parent you can be.  With the time you're not with your children, be the best man you can be.  Give them a role model.  We have the opportunity to shape a young man or woman, a future husband or wife, father or mother, and so on.  And while our direct time with them may be limited, it's still time, and we need to be thankful for it and make the most of it.

Last, focus on your children this season.  Many times I've tried to craft the "perfect moment" with them and found myself frustrated when I didn't meet my own high expectations.  What I didn't realize at the time was that my children didn't know what my expectations were.  Children, particularly younger children, are simple.  They want time with their dad.  Give them that time. The moments don't have to be grand or formal.  They just have to be with your children.  Memories will always outlast material things.

Doing or recognizing these things don't solve all the problems of the holidays.  They actually don't change anything about our circumstances.  But they can change a lot about us and our perspective.  We may not have a lot of "things" for which to be thankful when measured in quantity.  But our thankfulness for our children, the opportunity we have to shape those lives, and the chance to create memories - those are immeasurable.

Enjoy this coming holiday season for what you have, not longing for what you wish.  In doing so you'll teach thankfulness, contentment and character to your children and give them something that money can never buy - an involved and loving father.  Happy Thanksgiving!

The Measure of a Man

Recently I had my 45th birthday.  It seems the older we get, the more reflective we become.  At some point, it's not so much our age that gets us as it is looking at where we are in life at this point and how we measure ourselves as a man.  I know I am at a place I never anticipated being and never wanted.  No one wants to be divorced and living without their children, reduced to seeing them only a few days out of most months, and missing out on so much of their lives.  As a result, many of us divorced fathers look to other things to validate ourselves.

Some look to their career - their position within the company, how much money they make, how much seniority they have.  Some turn to conquests - how many women they can date or bed, or how many relationships they can have.  Some turn to playing - video games, sports, travel, or other activities.  We want to be able to look at our lives and see tangible and immediate results.  We want to feel accomplished and successful.  We want to make our mark and make the most out of whatever opportunities we have.

All of these things are fleeting, however.  Jobs ultimately end.  Someone else will eventually be more successful, another will have the position we once had, and the money will soon be spent.  Conquests are short-lived and empty.  The women come and go and while it may make you feel accomplished, it  accomplishes nothing of lasting value.  Games and sports will end.  Our strength will dissipate, coordination will fade, our skills slip, our bodies weaken.  While all of it can feel fulfilling in the short term, it will ultimately all be forgotten.

Yet somehow we miss the obvious - we're fathers.  True, we don't see our kids as much as we'd like and we miss out on much of their lives.  But as fathers, we have the opportunity to leave a legacy, not just to build a reputation.  Reputations are soon forgotten.  Legacies live on.  Our children will one day be someone's boyfriend or girlfriend, someone's husband or wife, someone's father or mother, someone's employee, an employer, a student, a teacher, etc.  We have the opportunity to help shape a life - one that will interact with thousands of other lives during their lifetime and one that will impact thousands more in one way or another.

While we don't get to see them as often as we'd like, we are still fathers.  We still have an influence on our children.  We can still teach them, lead them, and set an example for them so that they can be healthy, productive people as they grow.  A lessened opportunity is not the same as no opportunity.  It just means we have to be more deliberate with the opportunities we have.  We can teach our sons what it means to be a responsible and selfless man.  We can teach our daughters how a gentleman should treat a woman and give them the love and security they long for.  We may not have as many opportunities as we'd like, but we all have opportunities of some kind or another.  Don't let them pass you by.

This year, as I turn 45, while I do think about my career, my divorce, and other things, I am content and happy with my role as a father.  I'm not perfect, but I'm trying.  My kids are doing very well in school and in life and I am extremely proud of both of them.  I am a blessed man.  All of us who have someone calling us "dad" or "daddy" are blessed.  Be there for them, teach them and lead them.  Through our children, we can leave a legacy that will live on in them and in everyone they touch.  There is no greater measure of a man.  Nothing else can top that. 

The Pursuit of Happiness

"I deserve to be happy."  I hear that a lot these days - especially as a divorced parent.  We're advised to take care of ourselves and do what makes us happy.  There's a lot of good in that advice, but there can be some bad, too.  With the exception of mental health issues and violence, it's likely the majority of us are divorced because our ex (and perhaps us as well) decided to do what made them happy - affairs, drugs, alcohol, excessive spending, irresponsible behavior, general selfishness, etc. 

That advice can be problematic because it's not just us anymore.  We have kids.  It's probably a fair bet that there are many very happy parents out there (divorced or married) who have very unhappy kids.  Once we become a parent, we're responsible for them.  We are responsible for who they will become. Yes, we should take care of ourselves - physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  But never at the expense of our children. Our first responsibility is still to them.  That's what parents do. Part of being a parent is sacrifice.  We give up part of our freedom and independence when we become a parent.  But that's a good thing.  That time, money and energy is spent on raising a child.  It's spent on growing that now-little or young person into the man or woman that will eventually become someone's husband or wife, father or mother.  It's a privilege.

We do very much need to take care of ourselves - but it's easy to go to the extreme with our kids and neglect our own well-being, and we should be very attentive to how it impacts our children.  The pursuit of our own happiness can easily lead to our children's unhappiness.

Another thought along these same lines but from a different perspective - if we deserve the right to be happy, doesn't everyone - including our ex?  Did they not deserve that same right when we were married?  I know that may be an extreme example, but the point is that there is a line at which one person's pursuit of happiness comes at the expense of others - spouse, partner, children, etc.

The bottom-line is that there's more to life than the pursuit of our own happiness.  There is raising happy, healthy kids.  There is being a responsible parent.  There is making wise decisions that benefit our children, even if it's at our own expense. Those things can bring their own level of happiness.  Take care of yourself, yes.  Enjoy yourself.  But don't do it at the expense of your children.  Nothing is worth that.

There is no greater happiness a man can know than being a father to his children.  That's the happiness we should pursue - our children.

Fathering by Example

On a recent weekend with me, my son, who is nine, told me this: "That's one of the things you taught me. You didn't mean to, but you showed me."  We were riding bikes at the time, and as an avid mountain biker I've been trying to get him into the sport by giving him little tips and encouragement, but ultimately it comes down to me showing him (1) that it can be done and (2) how to do it.  I don't remember at all what he was referring to, but it swelled my chest as though I had just climbed the highest mountain or completed the most difficult descent.  It made me realize he watches me more than he listens to me.

Fathers are leaders - whether they be leaders of a family (along with their wife, or alone after a divorce), leaders of a church, or leaders of a nation.  The greatest leaders are known for leading by example.  They are consistent - whether they are in front of those they lead or apart from them.  Leaders have reputations, and those they lead quickly discern those reputations.

For non-custodial fathers, it's easy to forget that we're still leaders of our children.  There's no such thing as a part-time leader.  There's no such thing as a part-time father.  Our kids may be with us part-time, but we are always fathers, just as they are always our children.  We should be mindful of this in all we do.

Our children will learn far more from watching us than they will ever learn from listening to us.  They will follow our examples - whether it be good or bad.  Even as non-custodial fathers, there are many ways we can lead our children by example whether they are with us or not:

• How we treat women - including their mother
• How we overcome adversity and handle frustration
• How to apologize and that there is strength in humility
• How to be responsible with money and time and our job
• How to take care of ourselves - our body, spirit and mind
• How to win and lose with dignity
• How to be persistent and not give up
• How to respect authority figures and the law
• How to be faithful, loyal and honest

I'm aware that many of these are far easier said than done - and that's exactly what makes them so important.  If we don't teach our children the right way to do these things, who will?  If we don't teach them the right way to do these things then we'll be teaching them the wrong way and setting them back in life.  There's nothing in any kind of leadership that says you have to enjoy doing what you're doing.  Often, the greatest acts of leadership are unpleasant.  But leaders do what needs to be done because they know others are depending on them.

There's a saying - "Be the person you want your children to become."  There is great truth in those few words.  When they're with you or away from you, your children are always watching in some way or another.  They are learning either the right way or the wrong way to do things.  They may live most of the time with their mother, they may have a step-father, but we will always and forever be the only father they will ever have.  We only get one chance.  We can't change the past, but we can start now.  Live like the person you want your children to be.  Give them an example they can mirror and behaviors they can emulate.  Be aware that they are always watching and be consistent.  There are few things they will learn more from than your example.  Make it a positive one.

Quarterback Dad

That moment.  That moment that we first held our baby in our arms.  We made it.  We are fathers.  Dada, daddy, dad - those words bring the greatest joy to our hearts.  We come home to the rumble of little feet racing to meet us at the door, wrapping their arms around our legs, looking up with a giant smile on their face and exclaiming "Daddy!"  It's like we've become the quarterback of a championship football team.

That other moment.  That moment we go to bed alone and wake up alone.  We come home to silence - no rumble of feet, no arms wrapping around our legs, no smiles and no shouts of "Daddy!"  Our role as father has been reduced to a part-time status.  We're still their father, but only two weekends and maybe a couple of weeknights per month.  In that one moment, we went from starting quarterback to being benched.

For many of us, it feels as though we're no longer a father.  We know we're still their dad, and they know we're still their daddy, but it's not the same.  We're no longer there when they get home from school, when they go to bed, and when they wake up.  We have to schedule when we see them.  We feel devalued, insignificant, and deprived of the opportunity to be a father.

But there is something similar, and there is hope that we can still be fathers and have a positive and lasting impact on our children.  We can draw encouragement and perhaps inspiration from those who have become the backup quarterback.

No football player aspires to be a backup.  In the college and professional levels, every backup was once a starter somewhere.  But backup quarterbacks are necessary.  While they may no longer be the starter - they may not see many snaps in a game or as many reps in practice - they are still a quarterback.  They are still expected to be able to do their job when called upon.

NFL.com recently posted an article called "QB2: - The Most Important Position Nobody Wants."  Being a non-custodial dad is not too different - it's the most important role nobody wants.  The key word in both statements? Important.

The responsibilities of being a backup quarterback are the same as those of the starter.  He goes to the same meetings, participates in the same drills and shares the same goals.  While he may not play every game, the backup must always be prepared to make a difference.  His mentality must be the same as that of the starter.  Matt Flynn, the current backup to Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers, said "there's no different approach to my game.... I haven't thought about coming to grips with, 'OK, I'm a career backup.' I don't think I'll ever look at it like that."  They must have the outlook and attitude that they are important and expect to make a difference for their team.

Josh McCown is currently the starter for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but last year he was the backup for Jake Cutler of the Chicago Bears.  "Just stepping back and having gone through things I'd gone through, in and out of the league, to value every day, value every opportunity to come to work, to bring value to the team, no matter your circumstances," McCown reflected, "For me, it was realizing there is more self-fulfillment in that; I got more peace from doing that than to go to work every day thinking, 'I've got to do this, I've got to do this well, so I can become a starter.' The backup has to really embrace that."

That quote is easily applied to non-custodial dads.  We should value every day and every opportunity to be with our children, to bring value to their lives no matter the circumstances or frequency.  We need to be involved and embrace the thought that there is self-fulfillment in being a dad, however limited. We need to embrace it not because it's what we wanted, but because it's where we are and it's who we are.

Charlie Whitehurst, backup quarterback with the Tennessee Titans, explained that "Everybody wants to be a starter -- myself, I definitely feel that. When you have a taste of it, you start to think, I wish I had done this.  You try to think like you're the starter all the time. If you start worrying about, Where am I in my career? you can confuse the issue for yourself.  The way I do it, it's one day at a time, get yourself as good as you can today and then focus on tomorrow. I always say in the locker room to myself, I'm playing the second snap of the game.  It may not be the most rewarding thing, to be prepared, and then the starter goes in and wins, and it looks like all the work was in vain. It wasn't. You were ready to play. As you get older, you appreciate being prepared, even if it doesn't pay off that week."

Being a non-custodial father is no different.  We all want to be there for our kids every day.  We've done it, we enjoyed it, and we want it again.  But we can't dwell on what we don't have.  We have to think like we're the father - because we are, regardless of how infrequently we see our children.  It's not the most rewarding thing to go weeks without seeing our kids, but what we do is not in vain.  We can make a difference, and we do make a difference.  As our kids get older,  we will see that and they will too.

Whitehurst quotes one of his coaches as saying, "Don't ever think of yourself as a backup quarterback....  You have to view yourself as the starting quarterback all the time. You need to work like you're the starter."

Don't ever think of yourself as a non-custodial or part-time father.  You are a father.  You are always their father, whether they're with you or not.

There are stories upon stories of backup quarterbacks winning the big games or keeping their teams in the championship race.  There are also stories of backups who weren't able to get the job done, at the expense of their team.  There are non-custodial fathers who have a big role in their children's lives and who make a difference.  And there are those that do not.

We, however, are backups to no one.  We are and will always be fathers.  Be the father who is always prepared to make a difference.  Be the father who considers himself no less important than the other parent.  Be the father who steps up when needed and who can be counted on to do his best for his kids.  Know that you CAN make a difference.  Make the most of every opportunity, however infrequent.  Be there and be the father your kids want and need.  It will pay off.  It will be worth it.  It is important.

Child Support

Two words that most divorced fathers dislike to varying degrees - child support.  It's not that we don't want to support our children as much as it seems like the courts think our money is more important than our involvement.  My divorce agreement requires me to pay a certain amount of child support twice a month, pay for their insurance, and pay for a certain percentage of medical bills.  It doesn't require me to spend any quality time with them, to teach them anything, to go to any school or church functions, to communicate with them on any regular basis, etc.  Child support is far more than just money and health care.

Being a father is equally both a privilege and a responsibility.  We are responsible for supporting our children financially.  Not because the courts tell us to - but because it's part of being a parent.  I chose to list this first not because money is the most important thing, but because setting a good example for our children is among the most important things we can do.  Many divorced dads refuse to pay child support for a variety of reasons - they don't trust their ex with it, they don't think it's fair, they don't think they can afford it, etc.  However valid or justified any of those concerns are, the thing about responsibilities is they are not excused by circumstances, opinion or anything else.  If any of those are legitimate and do apply, the answer is not to unilaterally change or ignore the rules.  The answer is to go through the system and do the best you can within the law.  It's not the ideal option, but it's the correct option, and sets the right example for our children.

Failure to meet our responsibilities carries consequences.  The difference, however, is that the consequences for the failure to pay child support fall most heavily on your children.  It also opens the door for your ex to say that you don't care and are negligent.  Be the best parent you can be.  Show your children that responsibilities are not conditional.  Set the example for your children and don't leave the door open for criticism.  Being a good father means accepting and meeting your responsibilities because it teaches our kids to do the same.

Child support, however, is far more than just money.  While children certainly need financial support, whether the parents are divorced or married, they need emotional support.  They need you to be there.  As fathers we often see ourselves as providers - and the courts see it that way, too.  But what many forget, and the courts rarely acknowledge, is that fathers need to provide their children with emotional support as well.  It's no secret that men and women see things differently.  We respond differently.  We cope differently.  Children need that balance.  We have experiences from which our children can learn.  They need our hugs, our smiles and our laughter.  They need their father.

Meet your responsibilities.  Pay your child support.  If you must contest it, do so within the system - however screwed up you may think it is.  Ignoring your responsibilities or ignoring the system is teaching your children that responsibilities and law are not important and they will follow that example.  Or you can bite the bullet, write the check, and show your kids that doing the right thing is important - even if you don't like it, don't agree with it, or struggle with it.  "Right" is not conditional.

Don't just write a check.  I'd venture to say that most good and reasonable parents would rather have an involved parent who simply can't provide much financial support than a parent who provides much financial support but isn't involved.  Be there for your children.  Give them emotional support, give them your time and attention, give them your love.  Anybody can write a check - and money is important.  But not just anyone can be a father.   Fathers are created when a child is born.  You can accept that responsibility or deny it, but you are still a father and you are still responsible for your children.  How you approach that responsibility will teach your children how they are to accept responsibility themselves.  Give them the best example possible.

All or Nothing

I remember when my first child was born, and how I pictured the days ahead and the things we would do together.  I thought about the future - learning to swim, riding bikes, helping with his homework, school functions, soccer games, or his science fair project.  And then, when he was two years old, his mother and I separated.  Two years later they moved seven hours away.

I was devastated.  To add insult to injury, a year after moving, their mother remarried.  Now my children had another man in their life  - someone else who would do these things with them.

I wanted to do it all.  I'm their father - I should be able to do it all.  But I couldn't.  Between the divorce, the move, and the step-father, it just wasn't possible.  What could I do?  I was faced with two very simple options: give up and let someone else handle all of my responsibilities and experience all those moments, or buckle down and do what I could.  Thankfully, I chose the latter.

Typically, we non-custodial dads get marginalized as parents.  Our time with our kids is reduced to a "visit."  Our role as their emotional and developmental support is shifted to one primarily of financial support - or that's how the courts seem to see it.  But we have two choices - give in to what some seem to think a father is, or buckle down and be what our children need their father to be.

The role you play with your children is completely up to you.  Your ex or the courts can make it more difficult, but only you determine how that time is used.  When you have your children with you, give every moment of that time to them.  Teach them.  Be their father, not just someone they visit.

I've been fortunate.  Despite my circumstances, I've been able to teach my kids how to swing, ride their bikes, swim, snow ski, snorkel and many other things I never thought I'd be able to do.  I was able to do these things simply because I made the effort and I was determined to continue to be their father.  I've never been able to see either of them off on the first day of school, help them with their homework, teach them to tie their shoes, or hug them after a hard day at school.  Those things hurt, but I can only do what I can do, and I treasure the memories of what we've shared.

Too often we may think that because we can't do everything, it might be better that we do nothing.  That is the furthest from the truth.  We may not be able to do everything we'd like, but we can at least make the effort.  If we don't at least try, we'll never have those moments.

Basketball great Michael Jordan is quoted as saying, "I have missed more than 9000 shots in my career.  I've lost almost 300 games.  Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed.  I've failed over and over again in my life.  And that is why I succeed."  During his NBA career he missed more than half of his field goal attempts.  But he's not known for his misses.  He is known for being willing to take the shot, for always being there for his team and for creating opportunities for them to win.

Our choices are more than doing it all or doing nothing.  Our greatest choice is to do everything we can with the opportunities we're given.  Look for the opportunities you have.  Make new opportunities.  Determine to take advantage of every moment you have together so you will be the father they need.

We're not going to be able to do everything, and our children aren't expecting that of us.  They won't remember the things were weren't able to do as much as they will the things we did do.  But for them to have those moments to remember, we have to be there and make the effort.  They're not looking for the perfect father.  They're looking for a present father.  They don't need you to be the hero.  They just need you to be here.

Jordan is also quoted as saying, "I can accept failure.  Everyone fails at something.  But I can't accept not trying."  Our children are no different.  They won't notice the things you weren't able to do.  They'll only notice if you don't try.

Back to School

As summer draws to a close and we approach the new school year, there are  challenges we non-custodial fathers face when it comes to our child's schooling.  Below are some measures we can take to make sure we are involved in our children's education:

• Ensure the school knows you are the father
  This may seem unnecessary, but depending upon your relationship with your ex, you need to ensure the school knows you are the father.  Confirm they have your accurate contact information and that you are listed as an emergency contact.
• Make sure the school knows you have a right to your children
  It can't hurt to provide the school with a copies of the relevant portions of your divorce agreement which state your rights as a father.  This removes the "he said she said" aspect and makes it clear to the school who has what rights regarding the children.
• Familiarize yourself with the school
  If you can visit - visit.  If you cannot, look at their activities, general schedule, special events, etc. on their web site.  Become as familiar as possible with your children's school so you can engage them in relevant conversation.
• Introduce yourself to the teacher(s) and staff
  Find out who your children's teachers are.  Email and/or call them and introduce yourself and explain the nature of your relationship to your child in terms of how often you will see them and any other variables that may be important.  But when doing so, be certain not to demean or criticize their mother in any way.  Teachers do not want or need to be in the middle of your divorce.  Also make yourself known to the school's guidance counselor.  It is important that they know the child's living situation.  Take care not to make specific references about the other parent or about what you suspect, but only about your arrangement with your child and any concerns you know the child to have regarding the divorce - not the other parent.
• Make full use of the internet
  Many schools have online or Email newsletters.  Some classrooms have Facebook pages, or Instagram account, etc.  Find out what is available for your children and make sure you are signed up for those opportunities.  This is an easy way to be involved in your child's education and know what they're doing on a regular basis.

Once school has begun, there are additional ways you can stay involved:

• Follow their grades and progress online
  Most schools have password protected sites where your child's grades and progress are posted.  Make sure you are signed up for this and that you check it regularly.  This will help you see where they're doing well and where they may be struggling, as well as attendance and other matters.
• Keep in regular contact with their teacher(s)
  Schedule a time each month or some other regular period where you will call and/or Email the teachers to keep up with your child's performance.  Note that time in your smartphone or whatever calendar you use so you don't forget.
• Engage your child's interests
  There are many things we can do to assist our child's education during the limited time they're with us and without making them feel like they're back in school.  If your child enjoys social studies, take them to a nearby historical location.  If they like spelling and vocabulary, play Scrabble or something similar together.  If they enjoy math, challenge them with math questions when you're at the store.  Be creative, but be involved.
• Keep up with homework or special assignments
  Stay involved with the teachers to know what assignments are ongoing.  Before the kids come to your house, ask your ex, or the child's teacher if your ex won't cooperate, if there are any assignments due when they return to school.  If you can help - do it.  Don't put all the responsibility on their mother just because she's the custodial parent.  You are still the father - participate.
• Volunteer to help
  Some of us are close enough to our children's school where we can volunteer.  Some of us are not.  For those of us who are not close, you may be involved by providing materials, donating money, or doing things electronically/online.  When my daughter was in 4th grade, I volunteered to take all the pictures the teacher had posted on their Facebook page and put them in an online album.  If you are willing, their teacher can likely find a way for you to help.  Teachers want parents to be involved and will do what they can to assist.
• Attend any and all events you can
  Unless specifically prohibited by the court, make the effort to attend every event that involves your child.  If you can't make every event, schedule the ones you can attend, mark it on your calendar, let your child know you'll be there, and show up and be seen.  Even if their mother won't permit you to have any significant interaction with your child during or after, show up.  Do what you can do and your children will notice.  Show up, be positive, and be encouraging.
• Assist with extra-curricular expenses
  Generally, child support is not officially designated for extracurricular activities, but for "essentials" such as clothes, food, housing, etc.  If you're told that the kids aren't signing up for activities due to the expense, offer to pay for them if you can, but consider sending the check directly to the school so there's no questioning the handling of the money.  You can even offer to cover the expenses proactively.  If you can't pay for all, pay for as much as you can.  It may not be the ideal involvement, but if it benefits your child it's worth doing.

Last, and perhaps most importantly, work to improve communications between yourself and your ex.  There are many options available - shared calendars in particular are helpful for keeping up with activities and schedules.  This can be something general like Google Calendar, or an app specific for family communications, like SquareHub.  It is understood that not everyone will be cooperative, but at least make the suggestion and give it a try.  Improved communications between the parents means an improved environment for the children.

Just because you are not the custodial parent, that is no excuse for you to abandon your responsibilities for your child's education.  Our situation makes it more difficult, but not impossible. Being a dad is more than just playing and even disciplining.  It's about being involved, about teaching, about encouraging, and about supporting.  Get involved with your child's education as much as possible.  They will notice and will appreciate it.  There's no better way to teach your child about responsibility than by example.  Be responsible and be involved.

Children of Divorce

When I speak to people who are getting a divorce I often hear the same thing - "Kids are resilient.  They'll be fine."  This could be one of the greatest and most dangerous myths of divorce.  Yes, kids are resilient, but that doesn't mean they don't get hurt.  The effect of divorce on children is like a car wreck - it's not a question of if they will get hurt; it's a question of how badly they will get hurt, and a lot of that is up to us as parents and fathers.

A pastor of mine once gave this illustration:  Marriage is like taking two sheets of paper - one red, one blue - and pasting them together.  Divorce is the effort to separate these two sheets of paper.  The result is that there will be blue stuck to the red, and red stuck to the blue, and holes left in both.  I will add to this illustration that children are like a 3rd sheet of paper than is glued in between the red and the blue.  Imagine what would happen to that sheet when the red and blue are pulled apart.  That is what divorce can do to a child.

Minimizing the Impact
An article posted in 2009 on Parenting 24/7 identifies key variables that impact children of divorce.  The encouraging thing for us divorced parents is that the behavioral and psychological difference between the two sets of children (divorced vs married parents) is not significant, so our children's future is not dictated solely by the divorce.  The divorce, however, usually serves to aggravate and accentuate the variables that impact them the most.  Below are the three elements most under our control:

1. Poor Parental Adjustment: How both parents handle the divorce is completely within their control.  We need to be aware that divorce can create instability and struggles.  There's no shame in seeing a counselor or psychologist.  If we want the best for our children, we need to seek the best for ourselves - emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, physically - even if that requires a heavy dose of humility.  We are not the same after a divorce - we shouldn't attempt to act otherwise.
2. Lack of Parental Competence: A divorce creates new and different responsibilities for parents.  We have to learn to manage these responsibilities ourselves, whether we're the custodial parent or not.  There are no excuses.  Co-parenting is ideal, but it is not something upon which everyone can rely.  When our children are with us, we are the parent.  Be the best parent you can be and foster a strong, loving relationship with your children.
3. Exposure to Conflict between Parents: This is the big one.  Many parents fight, whether married or divorced.  But a divorce can take conflict to a whole new, never before imagined level - IF we let it.  We can't control the other parent, but we can - and must - control ourselves.  It should not be about winning the argument - it should be about setting the best example.  Our children will learn how to handle conflict by watching how we handle it.  They will learn how to treat the opposite sex by seeing how we do it.  To a child, they are defined by their parents in many ways.  To rip into the other parent in front of that child is essentially the same as ripping directly in to that child.  The Parenting 24/7 article states, "Generally, it has been found that children in high conflict families (either intact or divorced) fare worse than children in low conflict families. Some studies have found that children in non-conflictual single parent families are doing better than children in conflictual two-parent families.... Children in those families that can cooperate and reduce conflict are faring better."  Set the example for your children.  Set the tone with your ex.  You can't control how they will behave or react, but you can make things better or worse by how you choose to react.  Be the better person.

Expressions of Divorce
When my son was six, he stated his feelings clearly and candidly one day on the drive to my house from his mom's.  "When I'm at mommy's I don't want to go see daddy," he said.  "When I'm at daddy's I don't want to go see mommy."  Even when his mom remarried he still spoke of wishing for me, his mother, and even his step-father to live together as a family.  When he was seven, I asked him to name one thing he'd like for Christmas that year if he could only have one thing, and he said he wanted mommy and daddy to get back together. 

Not all children are this open.  Children want their parents - even if the parents don't want each other. Your child does not likely care what their mother did or didn't do.  They do not care what you did or didn't do.  They do not care about how you feel about each other.  They don't care what the argument is about or who wins.  They only care about their mother and their father because those two together are the point around which their world revolves.  They need you both to be there for them and they need you both to be civil for them.  If the other parent neglects those responsibilities, then your responsibility to meet those needs of theirs becomes that much greater.

Many children aren't able to fully express their feelings about divorce until they are adults.  One of the most common ways they express this is in writing and/or music.  Below are lyrics and video clips for some songs that express how divorce can make a child feel and what it means when a man fails to be a father.  Both the videos and the lyrics for these are particularly powerful.

Stay Together for the Kids, Blink-182
This was written by one of the band's members (Tom DeLonge) about his parent's divorce when he was eighteen.  The other band member who shares lead on this song, Mark Hoppus, saw his parents divorce when he was in 3rd grade.  "Is this a damaged generation?" he asks.  "I'd say so." (source)

It's hard to wake up when the shades have been pulled shut.
This house is haunted, it's so pathetic - it makes no sense at all.

I'm ripe with things to say.  The words rot and fall away.
If a stupid poem could fix this home I'd read it every day.

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time, you gave it all away
It was mine, so when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost
It's not right

Their anger hurts my ears.  Been runnin' strong for seven years.
Rather then fix the problems they never solve them - it makes no sense at all.

I see them everyday.  We get along so why can't they?
If this is what he wants and it's what she wants, then why's there so much pain?
 

Father of Mine, Everclear
Written by Art Alexakis whose father left him at an early age, forcing his mother to move to a housing project where he was sexually abused.  When he was 12, his brother died of a heroin overdose.  He has been married four times.  Children need and want their father to be in their lives.  You don't have to be perfect - but you do have to be present.

Father of mine, tell me where have you been?
You know I just closed by eyes and my whole world disappeared.
Father of mine, take me back to the day,
Yeah, when I was still your golden boy, back before you went away.

I remember blue skies, walking the block.
I loved it when you held me high.  I loved to hear you talk.
You would take me to the movie.  You would take me to the beach.
You would take me to a place inside that's so hard to reach.

Father of mine, tell me where did you go?
Yeah, you had the world inside your hand, but you did not seem to know.
Father of mine, tell me what do you see?
When you look back at your wasted life and you don't see me.

I was ten years old, doin' all that I could.
It wasn't easy for me to be a scared white boy in a black neighborhood.
Sometimes you would send me a birthday card with a five dollar bill.
I never understood you then and I guess I never will.

My daddy gave me a name (then he walked away)

Father of mine, tell me where have you been?
Yeah, I just closed by eyes and the world disappeared.
Father of mine, tell me how do you sleep,
With the children you abandoned and the wife I saw you beat?

I will never be safe.  I will never be sane.
I will always be weird inside.  I will always be lame.
Now I am a grown man with a child of my own,
And I swear, I'll never let her know all the pain I have known.

Wonderful, Everclear
Don't pretend with your children that nothing has changed.  Be as honest with them as their age and maturity will permit (without getting in to details).  They are listening to every word we say and watching everything we do.  They're not stupid.  They're scared and they need our love and our support - not our excuses and our denials.

I close my eyes when I get too sad.  I think thoughts that I know are bad.

I close my eyes and I count to ten. I hope it's over when I open them.
I want the things that I had before, like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door.
I wish I could count to ten - make everything be wonderful again.

I hope my mom and I hope my dad will figure out why they get so mad.
I hear them scream.  I hear them fight.  They say bad words that make me wanna cry.
I close my eyes when I go to bed and I dream of angels who make me smile.
I feel better when I hear them say everything will be wonderful someday.

Promises mean everything when you're little and the world's so big.
I just don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes
And tell me everything is wonderful now.

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now.

I go to school and I run and play.  I tell the kids that it's all okay.
I laugh out loud so my friends won't know that when the bell rings I just don't wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes. I make believe that I have a new life.
I don't believe you when you say everything will be wonderful someday.

I don't wanna hear you say that I will understand someday!
I don't wanna hear you say you both have grown in a different way!

I don't wanna meet your friends and I don't wanna start over again!
I just want my life to be the same, just like it used to be.
Some days I hate everything - I hate everything - everyone and everything!
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now.

American Ninja Father

My kids and I enjoy watching American Ninja Warrior together.  If you're not familiar with it, it's a high-powered obstacle course with stations that test the contestant's strength and agility.  One reason I enjoy watching it with my kids (a 9 year old boy and a 12 year old girl) is that it teaches valuable life lessons and also entertains.  As fathers, I believe we're to be teachers, and it's a win any time you can teach your kids and be entertained at the same time.

One Shot
Each contestant gets one shot at the course.  There is no second chance - not until next year.  If you fall, if you slip, if you are injured - that's it.  "Almost" doesn't count.  What counts is finishing or getting the farthest the fastest.

For us divorced dads, we've obviously stumbled in some way in the past.  It may or may not have been our fault, but it doesn't change the outcome.  We do get a second chance, but not without more work and risk.  There is very little room for error in being a parent and the stakes are high.  When we fail, we have to learn more, be more patient, try harder, and focus more intently.

For our children, they will make mistakes.  They need to know that while there are second chances, there are also consequences.  If your mistake was an accident or not - it doesn't matter.  It was your fault or was someone else's - it doesn't matter.  Even if you tried really hard - it doesn't matter.  The consequences are the same.  There are additional opportunities, but they need to learn that these momentary failures pave the road to long term success.

Unpredictability
While each course in American Ninja Warrior features some familiar elements, they feature new elements as well.  The contestants never know what their course will look like until they actually arrive to compete.  They may have trained specifically for elements that aren't there.  And they may have never considered, much less trained for, elements that are there

For us divorced dads, clearly we have encountered elements in life for which we never planned.  There were also things for which we thought we had planned, but didn't do well enough.  The lesson for us is that we can't predict the lives of us or our children.  We have to be prepared with certain principles of life, relationships and faith.  We have to recognize our weaknesses and strengthen them, focus on our strengths as much as possible, and exercise our best judgement at all times in order to keep moving.

For our children, the lessons are much the same.  Life is not predictable.  They must understand that they can't be good at everything, but they have to be prepared to handle anything.  They need to learn to use their strengths and to recognize and allow for their weaknesses.  Most of all, they need to learn how to exercise good judgement in all circumstances.  One of the lessons American Ninja Warrior teaches is that the best results are obtained when both technique and strength are used together wisely.

No Special Treatment
Everyone runs the same course and is held to the same standards - male, female, old, young, muscular, trim, short, tall, large, small, veteran, or rookie.  There are no exceptions, no accommodations, and there is no special treatment.

We divorced dads have faced some obstacles that many fathers haven't.  But it ultimately doesn't matter.  We're still parents and we're still working to raise our children, just the same as a married father.  Our marital status doesn't matter, nor does our income, the frustrations of divorce, or anything else.  A father is a father, and raising a child is raising a child.  Anything else is an excuse that can limit our ability to be the best father we can be to our children.

Our children will learn that there are exceptions - girls play on different teams, sports are divided by ages, etc.  But once they enter the real world, that all ends.  You can't count on anyone to give you a break because of who you are or are not.  Those who do not expect any special treatment will go the farthest and do the best.  Our children need to learn that what may be perceived as weaknesses don't matter - life places the same demands on all.  They need to learn that things that may be perceived as weaknesses that would limit them should be treated as challenges to be overcome and that will subsequently strengthen them.  They can learn by watching us overcome the obstacles of divorce and single parenting.  Set the example and be the best role model they have for overcoming.

No Comparison
Watch the show and you'll see that you can't judge a book by its cover.  The most muscular men do not always do the best.  Many times it's those who wouldn't draw a second look in the gym who excel.  The smaller women may also go farther than the larger men.  Everyone runs the same course.  It's the results that matter - not how you look or what people think about you.

For us divorced dads, it's easy to get caught up comparing ourselves with others - those who seem happily married, those who seem more financially secure, those who have good relationships with their ex.  First, what we see is not always what is.  Sometimes the one who seems the happiest may in fact have a non-existent relationship with his children.  The man who seems most financially secure may be so income-driven that he doesn't take the time with his children that they need.  Second, other people simply don't matter when it comes to how we perform as a father.  All that matters is our performance and how well we do.  Our kids may have a step-parent, we are still the only father our children will have and we need to conduct ourselves at all times with that in mind.

For our children, the lessons are the same.  How the other children appear simply doesn't matter when it comes to how our children perform.  Our kids needs to learn that their greatest challenge comes from themselves - having confidence in themselves, challenging themselves, being happy with themselves.  There will always be a child that is better than them at something.  We need to teach our children that their greatest and only goal is to be the best person they can be, and the only measure that matters is against who they were yesterday.


American Ninja Warrior may not be everyone's preference for television, but the lessons to be learned - by both our children and by us - are significant.  Certainly it's not a perfect metaphor for life - life is unfair, there is favoritism, and people cheat to get ahead.  But you can't dwell on those things.  The core lessons still apply.  Be their teacher.  Be their example and role model.  Don't coddle them - challenge them.  Show them by example how to compete and how to overcome.  You only get one shot.  Do it well.


Andrew Karsen exercises with his son and talks about the struggles of life


Improvisation and creativity, overcoming adversity, and never quitting:


The first female to qualify for the finals, 5'0" 100lb Kacy Catanzaro:

Disney Dads

I've heard many other divorced parents talk about "Disney Dads" lately.  It seems to come up often and after reading a recent post regarding this topic I thought it would be helpful to address.

What is a Disney Dad?
A "Disney Parent" actually has a legal definition - "a noncustodial parent who indulges his or her child with gifts and good times during visitation and leaves most or all disciplinary responsibilities to the other parent."  It's usually used in reference to the father, since we are typically the non-custodial parent, but recently it's becoming more associated with mothers as well.

How Do We Become a Disney Dad?
There are two angles on this - one intentional, and one less intentional.  The intentional Disney Parent is one who deliberately treats the kids to all sorts of treats and privileges with the intent of undermining the custodial parent.  The less intentional, and more common, Disney Parent (and the one that will be addressed) is simply trying to have fun with their kids during the limited time they have available.  There are several factors behind this:

• "Visitation" is what it's legally called when we non-custodial parents have our children. For many of us, having our time with our kids referred to as "visitation" changes how we look at that time.  After all, when you visit someone, you usually have different rules than when you're at home - later bed times, some fun excursions, etc.  Calling it "visitation" is harmful to the goal of parenting in many other ways, but it can definitely impact how we non-custodial parents look at our time with our children.
• As non-custodial parents, we see our children with less frequency than do the custodial parents.  It's a simple fact.  Typically, this time is two weekends a month and maybe two weeknights a month.  That's not much time, from our perspective.  As a result, when we have our children, we naturally don't want that time occupied with homework, chores, discipline, rules, schedules, etc.  It's a rare time to be spent with our children and a time to be maximized.
• In addition to not seeing them often, the other problem is when we see them - weekends and evenings.  What do even the most typical "nuclear families" do on weekends and evenings?  They typically play.  Trips or activities on the weekend, movie or video game time in the evening, and on weekend evenings, the kids probably get to stay up later than if it were a school night.  When this is the only time we see them, it's no surprise that the times are spent with weekend-type activities, later bed times, etc.

There are exceptions to every rule, including those above, but these situations are certainly the most typical encountered in divorce situations.  Additionally, these are not intended to be excuses for a parent being a Disney Parent, but only to help explain how one may end up being characterized as such.

How to Prevent Being a Disney Dad
Knowing now what a Disney Dad is and how one can be characterized as such, what do we do so we don't fall in to this pattern?  It takes being deliberate and being consistent in our job as a parent.   First, it must be understood by both parties that we non-custodial parents typically do not share the same circumstances as the custodial parent.  I never have my kids when they have school the next day, like their mother often experiences.  My kids are not here long enough to get in to habits of chores and schedules like they are with their mother.  But there are still important things we can do:

• Be consistent.  You don't have to have the same schedules as at their mother's house (although it's helpful), but you need to be consistent.  When my kids are with me they have a fairly consistent bedtime.  We try to stick with that, whether it's summer weeknights or school year weekends.  Consistency is important for children.
• Be involved.  Find out if your kids have homework that needs to be done while they're with you.  If their mom won't tell you, check with their teachers and their school.  Many schools have online calendars that can make you aware of these things.  Be in touch with their teachers so if something is due, you will know.  Know what's going on with them so you can continue those things at your place.  If a child plays sports, make a point to practice that sport with them.  If they play an instrument, look at getting one for them to use with you (if feasible) or have them bring it with them.
• Encourage responsibility.  Even if their mother doesn't practice it, one responsibility of a parent is to teach their children responsibility.  When they're with you, that needs to be a focus.  Make sure they make their beds, clean their rooms, pick up after themselves, or do chores.  It doesn't need to be so much as to consume valuable time with them, but teaching your children is as important - if not more important - as playing with them.
• Teach them.  As mentioned above, a key role of a parent is that of teacher.  Find life lessons in things.  Teach them a sport, a hobby, an instrument, or just encourage them to learn on their own. Play is good but lasts for only a time.  Teaching is better and lasts a lifetime.
• Consistently discipline.  This is probably the hardest one to do given the limited time we have with them.  It's a horrible feeling when you tell your child that if they disobey that an activity will be canceled - and then they disobey.  As hard as it is, you must be consistent and follow through with what you said.  Children need discipline - not necessarily spanking or any specific punishment - but they need rules, boundaries, and to know that actions have consequences.  If they have certain rules at their mother's house then it's a good idea to be consistent with this when you can.  To say that mom's rules don't matter at dad's house is to essentially tell them that mom's rules don't matter, period, and that's not something you need to be teaching them.

Being a Disney Dad is still being dad, which is better than many children have, but you can be more than that.  You can be better.

Be the best dad you can be.  Be consistent.  Be involved.  Encourage responsibility.  Teach them.  And provide them with consistent discipline.  You'll still have plenty of time to play, be a family and have fun together.  But remember that you're a parent and your job - however difficult you feel the courts and/or your ex may make it - is to raise your children, not just entertain them.  And there can still be plenty of time for Disney World!

Elephants and Exes

What do you do when your kids come to you and tell you that their mother was telling them something about you that you knew was false?  Do you tell them mommy lied?  Do you change the subject?  Do you tell your own lie or something negative about her?  As divorced people, it's not uncommon to find ourselves in this situation.  The one thing you do not need to do is belittle their other parent.  You should never tell your children anything deliberately negative or critical of their other parent.  Obviously the two of you didn't get along and you're now exes, but to your children, she is still mommy and you are still daddy.

So what to do - how do you handle this?  I have had several moments where I had to address a situation such as this, but with their mom saying all these bad things about their dad, the last thing I wanted to do was be the dad saying more bad things about their mom.  That doesn't help the children at all.  But I was reminded of a fable I'd heard years before about the blind men and an elephant:

Six blind men were asked by their king to determine what an elephant looked like by feeling different parts of the elephant's body. The blind man who felt a leg said the elephant was like a pillar; the one who felt the tail said  the elephant was like a rope; the one who felt the trunk said the elephant was like a tree branch; the one who felt the ear said the elephant was like a hand fan; the one who felt the belly said the elephant was like a wall; and the one who felt the tusk said the elephant was like a solid pipe.  The king explained to them:  All of you are right. The reason every one of you is telling it differently is because each one of you experienced a different part of the elephant. The elephant actually has all these features.

Remembering this story, I sat my two children down on the couch one evening after they'd been asking questions about things their mother had said about me that I knew to be untrue.  I blindfolded both and, not having an elephant handy, grabbed the only thing I could find that I thought might suffice - a shampoo bottle: thick at the bottom, and narrow at the top.  I held it by the top for my daughter and let her feel the bottom.  Then I held it by the bottom and let my son feel the top.  When I asked them to describe it, one said it was thick and kind of big, the other said it was narrow and small.  I removed their blindfolds and let them see what it was they were feeling.  Taking a page from the fable, I told them something like this:

Sometimes mommy and daddy see, hear or remember things differently.  I see or remember it one way, and mommy sees or remembers it another way.  It doesn't mean either one of us is wrong, it just means that we're different and we may see, hear or remember things differently sometimes, just like the two of you thought differently about this bottle.

Being young at the time, probably 7 and 9 or so, this was enough to convince them that perhaps what mommy was saying about daddy, while clearly not accurate, wasn't necessarily a lie, and we were able to move on to other things.  In fact, I haven't really had to address that question since then.

The short story is this - too often we get in competitions with our ex to see who can tell the kids the most garbage about their other parent.  Perhaps we hope that we can make ourselves look better than the other person in the eyes of our children.  But all they see is both parents tearing each other down.  They don't see right or wrong, or who won and who lost - and they don't care.  They only see conflict between the two people who mean the most to them.  Our goal should be to BE the better person, not to tear the other down to be a lesser person.  The children will learn the truth about both of us in their own time and in their own way.  Let them know that you had their best interests at heart.  And who knows, maybe you'll get lucky and the local zoo will let you borrow their elephant!

Setting the Example

I have two young children.  Recently, they both were in trouble for fighting with each other (as siblings do) and I had to talk to them.  Without fail, in situations such as this, my boy says "but she..." and my daughter says "but he..." and neither of them hears what I'm saying to them because they're too focused on their sibling.  I tell them "I'm talking to you about you, not to you about your brother/sister."  They reply with "Well he/she..." and I respond that "If you do that to her will that make things better or worse?  If you hit her because she hit you, then what's she going to do back to you?"  They begin to understand where I'm going, though they don't like what they're hearing.

"I can't tell you how to guarantee that they'll be nice to you," I tell them, "but I can pretty much guarantee that if you're mean to him then he'll be mean to you.  But if you're nice to him, then he's more likely to be nice to you.  And if he's not, then he's the one getting in trouble instead of you AND him."  They don't like this, but hopefully one day they'll understand and put it into practice.  But that conversation resonated with me in a way I didn't expect.

Children learn primarily from their parents and their home life, and secondarily from school and other social situations.  I can't control what happens at school or elsewhere, and I can't control what happens at their mom's place.  The closest I can come to controlling my kids is showing them that I can control myself and to practice in my life what I preach to their lives.

For us divorced parents, our marriages are over.  But for our kids, she will forever be mommy and he will forever be daddy.  You can't control your ex, but you can control how you treat them and respond to them.  Your children see this, learn from it, and to varying degrees they will repeat it.

Our human instinct is to return harm for harm, which makes things progressively worse.  I can't guarantee that your ex will respond better when you respond with kindness and civility, but at least you won't be the one on the hook for the children learning that behavior.  They will see how you respond and they will learn from it.

It's a frustrating fact of divorced parenting that being a good parent means we also need to be a good co-parent.  As I've told my kids, "you don't have to like him/her - but you at least have to act like you do."  You need to at least be civil with your ex for the sake of your children, and it does not excuse you from that responsibility even if the other parent is hostile.  Even when the kids aren't around we need to be mindful of this, for how we treat our ex in private will influence at least in part how we treat them around the kids.  One way or another, the children will know how we treat their other parent, and it will influence them.

Be the better person.  Be the better parent.  And be as consistent in it as possible.  It's not easy, but it's worth it for the sake of our children.  They are watching, listening, and learning.

Do Your Job

As a former soccer player and goalkeeper, I have been enjoying watching the 2014 World Cup.  Two performances stand out so far form this tournament - Guillermo Ochoa of Mexico, and Tim Howard of the United States.  In the first knockout game for the US, Belgium won 2-1 in extra time, but all the news was about Tim Howard and his World Cup record 16 saves - even though his team lost.  In spite of the defeat that knocked the United States team out of the 2014 World Cup, all the talk was of Tim Howard and his amazing performance in the tournament.

A game like the US had versus Belgium is a tough one for a goalkeeper to swallow.  On one hand, he turned in a record setting performance.  On the other hand, he gave up two goals and his team lost.  There's reason for pride and satisfaction, and there's reason for frustration.

This reminds me a lot of divorce and the transition to being a single parent.  I think it's fair to say that the break-up of a marriage can be seen as a loss or a failure.  It's frustrating, to say the least.  But it opens up the door to the awareness of all the little victories that you didn't know you were capable of - getting the kids out the door and to school on time (properly dressed, and with lunches and homework!), getting them to a doctor appointment, diagnosing and helping them get rid of an ailment, teaching them a new skill, etc.  Dads aren't always known for these things - but we're fully capable of achieving them.

As fathers, our instinct is to protect and teach our children.  We're the keepers of their hearts, their minds, and their bodies, in many ways - especially for those of us with daughters.  We cannot dwell on the things that would otherwise be perceived as failures.  We can't stop all the bad or negative things.  But part of our job - and two of our goals - is to do our best to (1) stop anything that may hurt or interfere with our children, and (2) set them up for success in the present and the future - just as a goalkeeper is tasked with keeping the opponent from scoring and setting up his team for the best possible chance at a goal in the way that he distributes the ball downfield.

You can look back at your marriage and life and see a failure.  It's easy to do - especially when you have to fill in that line "Marital Status" on so many forms.  Or you can look at each little victory you have as a father and focus on how many saves you have made and all the times you have set your kids up for success.  You won't stop everything, but do your best and never stop making the effort.

A big difference between a soccer game and the divorced life is that the loss happens at the beginning and the saves follow.  We can give up when we find out the marriage is over and leave our kids undefended and without assistance.  Or we can buckle down and realize that our job still exists and that there is a game within the game.  A failed marriage - or failure as a husband - is not synonymous with a failed parent, or failure as a father.

Watch these elite goalkeepers as they do their job.  They defend their goal at all costs.  They challenge the attackers.  They make it their responsibility to make sure every throw or kick has maximum potential to set up their teammates for success.  They put themselves at risk and injury is not uncommon.  They do it because that's their job - even when their team may seem hopelessly down and even if the rest of their team is not performing to expectations.  Look at them and be that kind of father.

• Be reliable and be ready
• Defend your children at all costs.  
• Challenge anything that threatens them.  
• Do everything you can do to set them up for success both today and later in life.  

It's your job - don't stop, do it well, and do it for your children.  They need you.  Be there for them.

Fight for Your Children

In general, we men are fighters.  We're fixers.  We see a problem, we fix it.  We have a struggle, we fight through it.  But divorce is different.  We can't fix it.  We can't fight it - especially not literally.  In many cases we lose our kids, we lose a great deal of our money, we lose a measure of pride, and the losses may continue in other areas.  For those of us who try to be good dads to our kids even after the divorce, the strain is difficult and many men simply find it easier to give up.  It may be easier, but it's the worst thing we can do for our children.

As I write this, it is June 6, 2014 - the 70th anniversary of D-Day in France in 1944.  I read a lot of World War 2 history and I've drawn much encouragement and motivation from the struggles of the allied forces during that time.  In 1941/1942, Britain was being pounded daily by German air raids and they lived in fear of invasion.  The United States had suffered the devastating defeat at Pearl Harbor where much of our Pacific Fleet was destroyed.  The next year, 1942, we lost almost all of the Pacific - Singapore, the Philippines, Wake Island, Guam, and much more.  Germany was close to conquering the Soviet Union and had occupied or conquered much of Europe and North Africa.  We were outmanned, outgunned, inexperienced, and had minimal capabilities to get our forces to the far off places where they were needed.  Everything was against us.

But we kept fighting.  We kept trying.  We didn't give up.  Soon, we took footholds in the Pacific.  Our navy began turning the tide at the Battle of Midway in June, 1942.   The allied armies began pushing the Germans back in North Africa.  We moved forward.  It was not without great cost, but positive progress was made toward our goals.

In our fight as divorced dads, the court hearings and other formalities that leave us without our kids, with large financial burdens and perhaps legal fees, senses of loss and frustration and new feelings of helplessness, we feel defeated.  The failure of our marriage may be fresh on our minds.  We feel like we cannot be successful or competent fathers.  But we can.  We just have to keep moving forward.  Two quotes from the D-Day invasion come to mind:

"There are only two kinds of people who are staying on this beach: those who are already dead and those that are gonna die. Now get off your butts...."  Col George A Taylor

"As best I can figure it, we’re on the wrong beach....  They landed us about a mile and a quarter south of where we were supposed to land.  We should be up there.  We’re starting the war from right here.  Head inland.  We’re going inland."  Gen Theodore Roosevelt

Both of these men realized that they weren't where they were supposed to be.  They realized that to stay where they were was to essentially guarantee they would fail in their goals and quite possibly die.  They knew that their only real option was to press on and to move forward toward their goals.

Our situation is similar.  Stay put - become complacent and not try to improve the situation - and things will not get better, and could likely get worse.  But press on toward your goal of being the best father you can be, and things may still be difficult and may yet get worse, but you will be moving toward your goal.  Yes, it's difficult.  Yes, it's frustrating.  Yes, it can be discouraging.  But our goal and our job is to be the best fathers we can be to our children.  We must make an effort.  If we try and fail, then we can at least say we tried.  If we don't try and then fail, then we have not only let ourselves down, but more importantly we have let our children down.  Start from where you are.  Move forward.  Fight for your children.  They're worth it.