All or Nothing

I remember when my first child was born, and how I pictured the days ahead and the things we would do together.  I thought about the future - learning to swim, riding bikes, helping with his homework, school functions, soccer games, or his science fair project.  And then, when he was two years old, his mother and I separated.  Two years later they moved seven hours away.

I was devastated.  To add insult to injury, a year after moving, their mother remarried.  Now my children had another man in their life  - someone else who would do these things with them.

I wanted to do it all.  I'm their father - I should be able to do it all.  But I couldn't.  Between the divorce, the move, and the step-father, it just wasn't possible.  What could I do?  I was faced with two very simple options: give up and let someone else handle all of my responsibilities and experience all those moments, or buckle down and do what I could.  Thankfully, I chose the latter.

Typically, we non-custodial dads get marginalized as parents.  Our time with our kids is reduced to a "visit."  Our role as their emotional and developmental support is shifted to one primarily of financial support - or that's how the courts seem to see it.  But we have two choices - give in to what some seem to think a father is, or buckle down and be what our children need their father to be.

The role you play with your children is completely up to you.  Your ex or the courts can make it more difficult, but only you determine how that time is used.  When you have your children with you, give every moment of that time to them.  Teach them.  Be their father, not just someone they visit.

I've been fortunate.  Despite my circumstances, I've been able to teach my kids how to swing, ride their bikes, swim, snow ski, snorkel and many other things I never thought I'd be able to do.  I was able to do these things simply because I made the effort and I was determined to continue to be their father.  I've never been able to see either of them off on the first day of school, help them with their homework, teach them to tie their shoes, or hug them after a hard day at school.  Those things hurt, but I can only do what I can do, and I treasure the memories of what we've shared.

Too often we may think that because we can't do everything, it might be better that we do nothing.  That is the furthest from the truth.  We may not be able to do everything we'd like, but we can at least make the effort.  If we don't at least try, we'll never have those moments.

Basketball great Michael Jordan is quoted as saying, "I have missed more than 9000 shots in my career.  I've lost almost 300 games.  Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed.  I've failed over and over again in my life.  And that is why I succeed."  During his NBA career he missed more than half of his field goal attempts.  But he's not known for his misses.  He is known for being willing to take the shot, for always being there for his team and for creating opportunities for them to win.

Our choices are more than doing it all or doing nothing.  Our greatest choice is to do everything we can with the opportunities we're given.  Look for the opportunities you have.  Make new opportunities.  Determine to take advantage of every moment you have together so you will be the father they need.

We're not going to be able to do everything, and our children aren't expecting that of us.  They won't remember the things were weren't able to do as much as they will the things we did do.  But for them to have those moments to remember, we have to be there and make the effort.  They're not looking for the perfect father.  They're looking for a present father.  They don't need you to be the hero.  They just need you to be here.

Jordan is also quoted as saying, "I can accept failure.  Everyone fails at something.  But I can't accept not trying."  Our children are no different.  They won't notice the things you weren't able to do.  They'll only notice if you don't try.