The Measure of a Man

Recently I had my 45th birthday.  It seems the older we get, the more reflective we become.  At some point, it's not so much our age that gets us as it is looking at where we are in life at this point and how we measure ourselves as a man.  I know I am at a place I never anticipated being and never wanted.  No one wants to be divorced and living without their children, reduced to seeing them only a few days out of most months, and missing out on so much of their lives.  As a result, many of us divorced fathers look to other things to validate ourselves.

Some look to their career - their position within the company, how much money they make, how much seniority they have.  Some turn to conquests - how many women they can date or bed, or how many relationships they can have.  Some turn to playing - video games, sports, travel, or other activities.  We want to be able to look at our lives and see tangible and immediate results.  We want to feel accomplished and successful.  We want to make our mark and make the most out of whatever opportunities we have.

All of these things are fleeting, however.  Jobs ultimately end.  Someone else will eventually be more successful, another will have the position we once had, and the money will soon be spent.  Conquests are short-lived and empty.  The women come and go and while it may make you feel accomplished, it  accomplishes nothing of lasting value.  Games and sports will end.  Our strength will dissipate, coordination will fade, our skills slip, our bodies weaken.  While all of it can feel fulfilling in the short term, it will ultimately all be forgotten.

Yet somehow we miss the obvious - we're fathers.  True, we don't see our kids as much as we'd like and we miss out on much of their lives.  But as fathers, we have the opportunity to leave a legacy, not just to build a reputation.  Reputations are soon forgotten.  Legacies live on.  Our children will one day be someone's boyfriend or girlfriend, someone's husband or wife, someone's father or mother, someone's employee, an employer, a student, a teacher, etc.  We have the opportunity to help shape a life - one that will interact with thousands of other lives during their lifetime and one that will impact thousands more in one way or another.

While we don't get to see them as often as we'd like, we are still fathers.  We still have an influence on our children.  We can still teach them, lead them, and set an example for them so that they can be healthy, productive people as they grow.  A lessened opportunity is not the same as no opportunity.  It just means we have to be more deliberate with the opportunities we have.  We can teach our sons what it means to be a responsible and selfless man.  We can teach our daughters how a gentleman should treat a woman and give them the love and security they long for.  We may not have as many opportunities as we'd like, but we all have opportunities of some kind or another.  Don't let them pass you by.

This year, as I turn 45, while I do think about my career, my divorce, and other things, I am content and happy with my role as a father.  I'm not perfect, but I'm trying.  My kids are doing very well in school and in life and I am extremely proud of both of them.  I am a blessed man.  All of us who have someone calling us "dad" or "daddy" are blessed.  Be there for them, teach them and lead them.  Through our children, we can leave a legacy that will live on in them and in everyone they touch.  There is no greater measure of a man.  Nothing else can top that.