Disney Dads

I've heard many other divorced parents talk about "Disney Dads" lately.  It seems to come up often and after reading a recent post regarding this topic I thought it would be helpful to address.

What is a Disney Dad?
A "Disney Parent" actually has a legal definition - "a noncustodial parent who indulges his or her child with gifts and good times during visitation and leaves most or all disciplinary responsibilities to the other parent."  It's usually used in reference to the father, since we are typically the non-custodial parent, but recently it's becoming more associated with mothers as well.

How Do We Become a Disney Dad?
There are two angles on this - one intentional, and one less intentional.  The intentional Disney Parent is one who deliberately treats the kids to all sorts of treats and privileges with the intent of undermining the custodial parent.  The less intentional, and more common, Disney Parent (and the one that will be addressed) is simply trying to have fun with their kids during the limited time they have available.  There are several factors behind this:

• "Visitation" is what it's legally called when we non-custodial parents have our children. For many of us, having our time with our kids referred to as "visitation" changes how we look at that time.  After all, when you visit someone, you usually have different rules than when you're at home - later bed times, some fun excursions, etc.  Calling it "visitation" is harmful to the goal of parenting in many other ways, but it can definitely impact how we non-custodial parents look at our time with our children.
• As non-custodial parents, we see our children with less frequency than do the custodial parents.  It's a simple fact.  Typically, this time is two weekends a month and maybe two weeknights a month.  That's not much time, from our perspective.  As a result, when we have our children, we naturally don't want that time occupied with homework, chores, discipline, rules, schedules, etc.  It's a rare time to be spent with our children and a time to be maximized.
• In addition to not seeing them often, the other problem is when we see them - weekends and evenings.  What do even the most typical "nuclear families" do on weekends and evenings?  They typically play.  Trips or activities on the weekend, movie or video game time in the evening, and on weekend evenings, the kids probably get to stay up later than if it were a school night.  When this is the only time we see them, it's no surprise that the times are spent with weekend-type activities, later bed times, etc.

There are exceptions to every rule, including those above, but these situations are certainly the most typical encountered in divorce situations.  Additionally, these are not intended to be excuses for a parent being a Disney Parent, but only to help explain how one may end up being characterized as such.

How to Prevent Being a Disney Dad
Knowing now what a Disney Dad is and how one can be characterized as such, what do we do so we don't fall in to this pattern?  It takes being deliberate and being consistent in our job as a parent.   First, it must be understood by both parties that we non-custodial parents typically do not share the same circumstances as the custodial parent.  I never have my kids when they have school the next day, like their mother often experiences.  My kids are not here long enough to get in to habits of chores and schedules like they are with their mother.  But there are still important things we can do:

• Be consistent.  You don't have to have the same schedules as at their mother's house (although it's helpful), but you need to be consistent.  When my kids are with me they have a fairly consistent bedtime.  We try to stick with that, whether it's summer weeknights or school year weekends.  Consistency is important for children.
• Be involved.  Find out if your kids have homework that needs to be done while they're with you.  If their mom won't tell you, check with their teachers and their school.  Many schools have online calendars that can make you aware of these things.  Be in touch with their teachers so if something is due, you will know.  Know what's going on with them so you can continue those things at your place.  If a child plays sports, make a point to practice that sport with them.  If they play an instrument, look at getting one for them to use with you (if feasible) or have them bring it with them.
• Encourage responsibility.  Even if their mother doesn't practice it, one responsibility of a parent is to teach their children responsibility.  When they're with you, that needs to be a focus.  Make sure they make their beds, clean their rooms, pick up after themselves, or do chores.  It doesn't need to be so much as to consume valuable time with them, but teaching your children is as important - if not more important - as playing with them.
• Teach them.  As mentioned above, a key role of a parent is that of teacher.  Find life lessons in things.  Teach them a sport, a hobby, an instrument, or just encourage them to learn on their own. Play is good but lasts for only a time.  Teaching is better and lasts a lifetime.
• Consistently discipline.  This is probably the hardest one to do given the limited time we have with them.  It's a horrible feeling when you tell your child that if they disobey that an activity will be canceled - and then they disobey.  As hard as it is, you must be consistent and follow through with what you said.  Children need discipline - not necessarily spanking or any specific punishment - but they need rules, boundaries, and to know that actions have consequences.  If they have certain rules at their mother's house then it's a good idea to be consistent with this when you can.  To say that mom's rules don't matter at dad's house is to essentially tell them that mom's rules don't matter, period, and that's not something you need to be teaching them.

Being a Disney Dad is still being dad, which is better than many children have, but you can be more than that.  You can be better.

Be the best dad you can be.  Be consistent.  Be involved.  Encourage responsibility.  Teach them.  And provide them with consistent discipline.  You'll still have plenty of time to play, be a family and have fun together.  But remember that you're a parent and your job - however difficult you feel the courts and/or your ex may make it - is to raise your children, not just entertain them.  And there can still be plenty of time for Disney World!