Child Support

Two words that most divorced fathers dislike to varying degrees - child support.  It's not that we don't want to support our children as much as it seems like the courts think our money is more important than our involvement.  My divorce agreement requires me to pay a certain amount of child support twice a month, pay for their insurance, and pay for a certain percentage of medical bills.  It doesn't require me to spend any quality time with them, to teach them anything, to go to any school or church functions, to communicate with them on any regular basis, etc.  Child support is far more than just money and health care.

Being a father is equally both a privilege and a responsibility.  We are responsible for supporting our children financially.  Not because the courts tell us to - but because it's part of being a parent.  I chose to list this first not because money is the most important thing, but because setting a good example for our children is among the most important things we can do.  Many divorced dads refuse to pay child support for a variety of reasons - they don't trust their ex with it, they don't think it's fair, they don't think they can afford it, etc.  However valid or justified any of those concerns are, the thing about responsibilities is they are not excused by circumstances, opinion or anything else.  If any of those are legitimate and do apply, the answer is not to unilaterally change or ignore the rules.  The answer is to go through the system and do the best you can within the law.  It's not the ideal option, but it's the correct option, and sets the right example for our children.

Failure to meet our responsibilities carries consequences.  The difference, however, is that the consequences for the failure to pay child support fall most heavily on your children.  It also opens the door for your ex to say that you don't care and are negligent.  Be the best parent you can be.  Show your children that responsibilities are not conditional.  Set the example for your children and don't leave the door open for criticism.  Being a good father means accepting and meeting your responsibilities because it teaches our kids to do the same.

Child support, however, is far more than just money.  While children certainly need financial support, whether the parents are divorced or married, they need emotional support.  They need you to be there.  As fathers we often see ourselves as providers - and the courts see it that way, too.  But what many forget, and the courts rarely acknowledge, is that fathers need to provide their children with emotional support as well.  It's no secret that men and women see things differently.  We respond differently.  We cope differently.  Children need that balance.  We have experiences from which our children can learn.  They need our hugs, our smiles and our laughter.  They need their father.

Meet your responsibilities.  Pay your child support.  If you must contest it, do so within the system - however screwed up you may think it is.  Ignoring your responsibilities or ignoring the system is teaching your children that responsibilities and law are not important and they will follow that example.  Or you can bite the bullet, write the check, and show your kids that doing the right thing is important - even if you don't like it, don't agree with it, or struggle with it.  "Right" is not conditional.

Don't just write a check.  I'd venture to say that most good and reasonable parents would rather have an involved parent who simply can't provide much financial support than a parent who provides much financial support but isn't involved.  Be there for your children.  Give them emotional support, give them your time and attention, give them your love.  Anybody can write a check - and money is important.  But not just anyone can be a father.   Fathers are created when a child is born.  You can accept that responsibility or deny it, but you are still a father and you are still responsible for your children.  How you approach that responsibility will teach your children how they are to accept responsibility themselves.  Give them the best example possible.