If It Makes You Happy

There's an old song by Sheryl Crow where the chorus goes "If it makes you happy - it can't be that bad."  It's a catchy little tune, but it's very much not true.  If you ask any divorced person - male or female - almost every one would tell you that they're divorced because their spouse basically did whatever made them happy.  This is one of the most destructive lies we can buy into.

I'm going to reference some Biblical principles, but they still hold true even if you're not a Christian, are of another religion, or even if you're an atheist.  Some principles are just universal, even if you don't acknowledge the first point (though I'd be remiss to say that committing to the first point makes the other two fall into place more easily).  So if we don't shoot for doing what makes us happy, what do we do?

1. Do what brings God glory.  Do what puts the focus on Him, not on yourself.  Do what furthers His kingdom, not your own kingdom.  And a big part of it is something we can all agree on no matter religion or outlook, and that's the next point.
2. Look out for others.  Put others before you.  Particularly when it comes to your family.  If at work,  does it benefit your coworkers and/or the company - or just you?  At play, does it benefit your team and teammates - or just you?  And at home, does it benefit your family/children - or just you?
3. Take care of yourself.  Keep yourself in good health.  If you're a Christian - strengthen your relationship with God.  If you're not - strengthen your understanding of who you are.  Make yourself stronger - physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  Eat well.  Get some exercise.  Read a book.  Learn something new.  If you need counseling - get it.  If you have an addiction - give it up.  If you need help with that - get it.  If you need support - reach out for it.  If you don't know what to do - ask someone.

Almost every divorce begins with selfishness - pursuing what makes self happy without regard for others.  It's against our nature.  But to be a better father, we have to learn to put ourselves lower on the priority list.  If nothing else, our children - and our family, if still married - come first.  Period.  Getting back at the ex may feel good, but it's not good for the kids.  Getting a babysitter for the kids on the weekend you have them so you can have a date may feel good.  But to the kids, you're putting someone before them.  You're neglecting them.  Opting out of disciplining the kids on your few days together will certainly keep things happy.  But it's not good for the kids.  They need discipline - it's your responsibility as a father.  Telling your kids "not now" while you're watching "the game" or your favorite TV show tells them that there is something more important to you than them.  Turning it off and spending time with them tells them that they are the most important - especially if they know your love for your team.

Doing what makes you happy may have gotten you in to this situation.  Or maybe it was your spouse doing so.  Or perhaps it was both of you.  Doing what makes you happy can be that bad.  It can be very bad.  Keep your priorities in line and it will fall in to place.

7 Things a Son Needs from His Father

This is from a post on AllProDad.com, but I tailored it a bit for us divorced dads.

1. He needs you to respect his mother
   This is the hardest, but perhaps the most important, element for us divorced dads.  Some divorced couples are amicable, and some are downright hostile.  Many fall in between.  But regardless of your feelings toward your ex, or hers toward you, she is and will always be his mother.  You need to respect that.  Encourage him to obey and respect her.  Build her up as his mother.  How you treat his mother can impact how he treats women as he grows.  How you conduct this relationship can impact how he learns to conduct his own relationships.  He already knows you no longer love each other - you're divorced after all.  But he needs to see respect and to learn that from you.
2. He needs to see you fail - not just succeed
   Face it - we're divorced.  So in varying ways we have all failed.  We may have cheated, had addiction issues, had mental struggles such as depression, or had anger issues.  But even if we didn't have those things and our ex was the primary transgressor, marriage is still a two-way street and no spouse is ever without responsibility.  Man up with your son.  Let him know how you failed (with the appropriate details at the appropriate age).  Let him learn from your mistakes.  Let him see how a man handles responsibility, failure and success.  Don't be afraid to admit your shortcomings or your past.  Set the example on humility, responsibility, and maturity.
3. He needs your leadership
   This may seem easy when you're divorced.  You're obviously no longer the leader of the joint home with his mother.  But you're still his father.  Be his father, not just his playmate or best buddy.  Teach him - don't just entertain him.  He will learn from you.  Want to raise a leader?  Show him leadership.
4. He needs you to be present
   Well, we can't always do that.  But when you can be there - be there.  When you can't be there - call, text, Email, Skype - do whatever you can.  Ask him about his events and activities.  Show up even if you can't spend any time with him.  He needs to know you care - so you need to be there.
5. He needs your love regardless of his choices
   Give him options and opportunities and let him find his own way.  When he finds something he likes, encourage it - even if it was his mom's idea.  Even if he doesn't like the things you like and he prefers the things his mom likes.  You're not here to raise a little you.  You're here to raise a unique little individual.  Encourage him.  Love him.  Period.
6. He needs you to affirm him
   Children of divorce are particularly susceptible to self-doubts and feelings of inadequacy.  There has been a lot that has happened that they don't understand.  Tell him every chance you get that you love him.  Tell him that he's good at what he's doing.  Encourage him.  Don't obsess with what your ex may be telling him about you.  You can't control her - you can only control you.  Be a loving, affirming, encouraging dad.
7. He needs you to discipline him in love
   When you only have your son for a weekend, it's difficult to enforce discipline.  For example, you've been planning a trip to the waterpark, he does something disobedient, and you threaten him that if he does it again you won't go to the waterpark.  Then he does it again.  You must be consistent.  You have to provide discipline.  As much as it stinks for both of you in your limited time together, you need to provide consistent discipline.  A common misconception is that discipline should hurt.  That's not the case.  Discipline should teach.  There are consequences to actions, and he needs to understand that.  You need to teach him how to make the right decisions and that there are consequences to bad decisions.  Do not lash out in anger.  It's hard when we don't have a spouse to take over when we get frustrated or aggravated.  If you need to, step a way for a moment, compose yourself, and then address the issue.  Discipline him in love, not in anger.

The original article can be found here at AllProDad.com.

Control

As men, we like to be in control.  We do not like the feeling of things being beyond our control.  And divorce turns that upside down.  All of a sudden, we can't just see our kids.  We can only see them on certain days and at certain times.  If we want or need to change that or make any modification or addition, we have to ask.  And not just ask a judge, but ask the person who, in our eyes, may be seen as having taken those children away from us.  It's not easy.  It's downright frustrating and humbling.  But to be a good father, it's necessary.

But there are things we can control - and things we must control - if we're to be a good father.  Here are three areas we can exercise control.  It may not help things with our ex, but it won't hurt.  And it will certainly help us be a better dad to our kids.

Tongue

What we say matters.  And it's not just what we say to our kids or to their mom, it's what we say to others.  The more we say things to others, or even to ourselves, the more likely we are to say it around our children.  If it's good things - no problem.  If it's bad things - problem.  Probably especially after a divorce, our kids are watching and listening to us.  They pick up on every little thing and they learn from it.  They will learn how to deal with adversity by how we deal with it.  They will learn how to be considerate by listening to us.  Words that tear down their mom may have the affect of tearing down your kids.  Most importantly with children - once something is said, it can't be unsaid.  They will remember it and it will influence them for the better or for the worse.  Control your tongue.

Temper
This is big.  Divorce breeds conflict in many cases.  At times, that conflict happens in front of the kids when we're meeting their mom to exchange the kids or for some other event.  If you speak poorly of your ex to your friends or family, what are you likely to do or say when she becomes confrontational when the kids are around?  Again, your children will learn how to react to others based upon how they see you react.  If you lash out at their mother, you will see them lash out at others.  Whether you feel your anger is justified or not, it's seldom if ever appropriate for the children to see.  Control your temper.

Thoughts
This is the underlying element of it all.  How you think is how you will speak and how you will act.  If you think of how much you hate your ex or how poorly she's treated you, how will you end up responding to her?  How will you respond to your kids when they get to that age where they take sides or play one parent against the other?  This is the hardest thing to control, but it is the core of us being able to exercise control.

We see how important controlling thoughts is when we look at athletes or anyone who is involved in a precision activity.  Many athletes will visualize their event before they run it - whether it's hurdles, bobsled, skiing, or any other event.  They do this because they know their thoughts will impact their performance.  The US military's flight demonstration teams - the USAF Thunderbirds and the US Navy Blue Angels do the same before their high speed flight demonstrations.  The video below describes how they rehearse and visualize their act.  We need to focus on how we should behave, speak and reply with no less intensity because it's our children at stake.  We need to break down how we respond and react.  We need to learn to be in complete control of ourselves.  And we can't do that if we don't exercise control over our thoughts, first and foremost.



Don't try to control your ex - it's not going to happen.  Don't even try to control your kids.  That's not very likely either.  The only one you can really control is yourself, which will help you be a strong and positive influence on both, but particularly on your children - and that's what it's all about.  Be the better person and be a better dad.

Easter - Celebrating after the Fact

One of the many downsides of divorce is not seeing your children on special holidays, like this past Easter.  The typical arrangement most of us have, with every other year being our year with the child(ren), means simply that we miss being with them on half of these holidays.

The upside of this is that it opens the door to discounted gifts and a creative time together to celebrate the holiday.  With Easter having already passed, but me planning to celebrate it with my children this coming weekend, I can get pretty much any Easter candy or gifts that I want at a deeply discounted rate.  That's not too bad.

The harder part is that we simply cannot do the bigger Easter events, like community or church egg hunts and such.  But with a little creativity, it can still be a fun time for you and your children.  And the fact that it will just be you and your children has the opportunity for it to be a more intimate time as well, which is always good.

I don't pretend to have the market cornered on late-Easter options, but here are some things I've done in the past and plan to do this year, or have thought to do:

• Glow in the dark eggs - these were fun.  I found some glow-sticks/straws at Hobby Lobby, curled them up and put them in the pastel colored plastic eggs along with some candy.  I had to tape the eggs shut so the coiled up glow-straw wouldn't pop them open, but other than that, that was a fun Easter egg hunt.
• Egg clue hunt - I bought each of my children a stuffed animal and will hide it.  Then I'll hide the eggs with clues inside on where to find the next egg.  At the end of the hunt, they'll find their toy.
• Indoor egg hunt - good for a rainy day.  Same as an outdoor egg hunt, but if you live in an apartment complex or an area where you worry about other children taking the eggs, this is a good alternative.  Simply hide the eggs around the house and let them search.
• Egg Dying - get some clearance egg-dying kits and dye some eggs.  The possibility that you don't know what you're doing any better than they do can make it unusually fun!
• Petting Zoos - if there is a nearby petting zoo, or you have friends with a farm, few things feel more like Easter to a little child than interacting with a baby animal.  It makes for great Easter pictures for the family, too.
• Easter Basket - at the very least, you can do this.  There should be plenty on deep discount after Easter and that are already put together.  Or you can put together your own.  You can even borrow the basket and "grass" from a friend who will have already celebrated Easter.
• With siblings (I have a son and a daughter) it can be competitive, so I usually designate one area for him and one for her, or one color for him and one for her, so they're each guaranteed the same number of eggs and there's no heated competition.

Missing the actual holiday doesn't mean you still can't celebrate with your children.  Maybe you have other divorced parent friends who have their kids the same weekend and you can do something together with them and their children.  There are many options.  You just have to be creative.  If you doubt your creative abilities, head to Hobby Lobby or some place like that which will have seasonal items and take a look around.  Seeing things often helps me come up with ideas.  It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you do something.

Don't let the fact that you missed Easter mean you can't still celebrate with your kids. Don't let the fact that you miss any holiday or special event mean that you still can't celebrate.  The important thing is not the calendar-day that they celebrate with you, but only that they do celebrate with you.

Five Things Good Fathers Shouldn't Do

This is from the web site, All Pro Dad, but I am adjusting it a bit for us divorced dads.  The core principles remain the same.  The link to the full article precedes and follows.

• Substance Abuse/Pornography
  Whether it's drinking, smoking, or pornography - if they're not good influences on your children, you don't need to be doing them.  Whatever you do your children will want to emulate.  Whatever you do will affect you in some way and will, in turn, affect your children.  These may be seen as coping mechanisms, something to get you through the frustrations or depression of when they're not with you, or any of a number of rationalizations, but the short story is that if you don't want your kids doing it or being affected by it, you don't need to be doing it.
• Financial Carelessness
  We divorced dads have tighter budgets than most.  We have child support, we may have alimony, we surely have court costs, and many times we have to buy everything for our house that the kids already have at her house - in addition to our own residence.  We have to be responsible with our finances.  We also do not need to complain about child support and/or alimony to our children, whether or not we think or know that some or all of it never makes it to them.  It also gets back to being a good example.  If we're careless with our money, how can we expect our children to be responsible with theirs?
• Disrespectful Abandonment
  It's one thing to take a golf day, or a fishing day or say late at work when your kids are with you every morning, every evening, and every weekend.  It's another thing to take days when we only see our children occasionally.  When you have your kids - you need to be with your kids.  Unless there is an emergency, you don't need to be getting a baby-sitter or leaving them with a family member for any lengthy period of time - particularly if it's habitual.  It's not good for the kids and their relationship with you, and it gives your ex valuable ammunition in any action that she may take against you or in any effort you may have towards her or custody.  When your kids are with you, you need to be with them.
• Foul/Mean Speech
  Once again, your children will want to be like you.  You are a powerful influence on them - for good or for bad.  Foul language, mean language, and especially derisive speech toward their mother, are all very negative influences on them.  Teach them decency, manners, politeness, consideration, and humility.  You can stand up for your children without tearing down their mother.  You can be a good dad even if you feel the courts are standing in your way.  How you speak will greatly affect how they see you, and how you influence them.
• Free and Easy Living
  This is a tricky one for us divorced dads, for much of the time we ARE able to live free and easy.  When we don't have our kids, we are essentially single adults and we can pretty much do what we want.  But we need to make sure that those behaviors don't become habitual.  When we have our kids, we need to provide them with structure and responsibility.  We need to make it as much of a home as possible, just like we would if we were married.  They need to have responsibilities at your house.  They need to be disciplined when needed at your house.  They need to have at least somewhat of a schedule (even though it's usually the weekends when we have them).  You need to show responsibility and self-discipline as well.  The habits they get into at your house can negatively impact your children at their mother's house.  You may not like her, and you may actually hate her, but don't put your kids in the middle by getting them used to rules - or lack of rules - that you know will create problems at their mother's house.

Remember, everything you do and say influences your children - and can do so even when they're not with you.  And anything you do and say can also be held against you in court.  Be mature, be decent, be polite, be responsible, be committed, and be the better person.

Original Article: 5 Activities Good Fathers Should Stop Doing

Adapt and Overcome

Divorce is a difficult adjustment for those of us dads who truly love their kids.  We go from seeing them every day to far less frequently.  Then we have other challenges thrown at us - typically we have to find our own place while we're paying child support and/or alimony.  The financial burden can be daunting and intimidating.  The changes are dramatic.  Here are some of the things I've learned through my divorce.

• Be involved.   As the Miranda rights say, anything you say (or do) can and will be used against you in a court of law.  And on the flip side, everything you don't do or say can be used against you as well.  If you have time with your kids, do everything you can to take it.  I didn't do this at first, and it was brought up in court as evidence that I didn't want to be with them.  The reality was I had to take a second job in the evenings delivering pizzas, and weekends were when I made the most money.  As soon as I could, I took every other weekend off so I could be with my kids.  It was valuable to them.  And it showed my intentions.  When I had my kids - I had my kids.  When I didn't - I worked.  8-5 with job #1, and 6-whenever with job #2.  But when I had my kids - I had my kids.
• Lower your expectations. Kids don't need a lot.  I went from a nice, large house on an acre lot to a one-bedroom one-bath apartment.  My kids slept on air mattresses in the family room.  We ate off of the coffee table in the family room, which at that point became the dining room.  It turns out that my kids absolutely loved the air mattresses.  They enjoyed eating off the coffee table.  They enjoyed the closeness.  And they liked that the complex had a pool and a park across the street.  For me, it was awful and a serious downgrade.  For them, it was fun and an adventure.  You may want to give them the world - but all you really need to give them is quality time with you.
• Take advantage of every opportunity you're given.  If the agreement gives you time to talk to your kids on the phone - call.  If they don't want to talk, that's ok.  Just call.  If you can text or Email them - do it.  If the agreement gives you time with them - take it.  You don't have to have grand adventures.  Watch a DVD.  Go to a fast food place that has a playground - even if you don't eat there.  Go to the playground at the mall.  Go to a local park or a state park.  Kick a soccer ball around.  Draw.  Create stories.  Build things.  Be creative.  Ask around for ideas.  There are a lot of things that can be done on the cheap or free.  Again, kids don't need everything.  They just need time with you.  If you don't take the time granted to you in the divorce agreement, it could be used against you in the future as evidence that you don't desire it.  Even if there are good reasons, it can still be used against you.  You may not be able to do everything - but do everything that you can.
• Be a dad.  The divorce agreement calls your time with your kids "visitation."  That's a disservice and it's damaging.  Don't let that time be a visitation.  Be a father.  Ask them about school.  Help them with homework.  Ask them about their life and teach them.  Try to keep the same general rules and schedule that their mother has for them, and enforce those rules.  Children need some degree of consistency and they need discipline.  Sometimes doing those things can mean you don't do things you wanted to do together, but it's important to be consistent.  You're a father - not a visiting uncle.  It's not always fun, but it's always important and necessary.
• Be on the record.     It may happen that your time with your children is denied.  You need to have things on record.  If you can, communicate these things via text and/or Email so that it's on the record.  If it comes down to he-said-she-said in court, it's unlikely to go anywhere.  Make it known that you requested time with your kids.  Make it known that you tried to reschedule.  Make sure everything possible is on the record so you can demonstrate that you made an effort.
• Be there.  Unless you're prohibited from doing so, whenever your child has any public event - performance, game, etc - attend.  Be there.  You don't have to sit with their mom.  You don't even have to have any quality time with your child there.  But be there.  It reflects well on you.  And it will make a huge difference to your child.  Attend parent/teacher conferences.  Anything you can attend - do it  Don't make a big deal of it, but show your kids that they're a big deal to you.
• Be polite.  Divorce, by its nature, is adversarial.  But when you're around their mother, make every effort to be polite and cordial.  If nothing else, pretend - for your kids' sake.  They watch and learn from you.  How you behave will be noticed and will influence them.  It's not about you, it's not about principle, it's not even about rights or right and wrong - it's about your kids.  Bite the bullet if you need to.  Be seen, but don't make a scene.

Divorce changes everything.  It's difficult.  And you most likely can't make things the way they used to be.  Honestly things may never be the way they used to be.  But they can still be good and perhaps even better.  Different doesn't mean worse.  It's just different.  Don't give up.  Don't back out.  Don't quit.  Be a dad.

All Apologies

As a single dad, I like to think that there's nothing I can't do.  I can be the dad I want to be and I can do it without any help.  I can be Superdad.  I like to think that.  It doesn't always work out that way.

This winter I took my children snow skiing for the first time.  I figured I could teach the kids myself.  I taught them to swing and to ride their bikes without training wheels, after all.

We began on the bunny slope with me trying to ski beside them, but that just didn't work, so I took off my skis and would run beside or behind them, not too unlike it was when I taught them to ride their bikes.  One would ski down while the other would ride the people-mover up.  And I would run up the hill in my ski boots to help the next one down.  Those boots were not made for running, but that's just what they did.  We ended our time on the bunny slope after my daughter, unable to stop, ran in to another learner and injured her a bit - just enough that the adult with that person was very mad at my daughter.  So I got mad at my daughter.  I didn't want people to think that I didn't take slope safety seriously.  After crashing in to someone and having me yell at her my daughter's self-confidence was fairly well shattered.  I figured that would be a good time to take a lunch break.  I apologized to her at lunch, but she was less than enthusiastic when we went out to take the chairlift up to the top of the easy slope where we had more room than on the bunny slope.

We made it off of the lift and I tried, first, to help my daughter down.  She did well and skied down to the lift ok, as did my son.  But the lift line had a downward slope.  Neither of my kids knew how to "stand" in the snow without skiing.  One slid left, the other right, both crying "Daddy!" while I tried to tell them what to do to keep from sliding and running in to more people.  It didn't work and I lost my temper.  I got mad at both of them, probably created a bit of a scene, and had to walk away for a moment.

I was crushed.  I knew what I had done.  I knew I had set a bad example, embarrassed myself, let down my kids, and, in short, failed.  And I couldn't undo any of it.  This doesn't happen to Superdad.  I'm supposed to be able to do it all.  But I couldn't.  I figured things out after this and later apologized to both children individually.  We ended up having a great time

Here's the point: our children learn from us - for better or for worse.  When we get mad, they learn how to get mad.  But when we apologize, they learn to apologize.  They need to see us make mistakes - which works well, because I make more than I'd like - and they need to see how we handle it.  When we fail, they need to see us recover.  They need to learn humility from us.  They need to learn selflessness from us.  They also need to know that they don't have to be able to do it all.  It's okay to fail.  The only way to never fail is to never try, and we don't really have that option as parents - and particularly as single parents.

Don't be too proud to apologize to your child.  Don't be too proud to let them know you made a mistake.  When we apologize and make mistakes, they learn that it's okay to do both.  Superman knows his limits and weaknesses.  Superdad needs to do the same - though our limits and weaknesses are far more numerous!

My children both rallied around me in the end and I was proud of them.  They both learned to ski.  They both did great and have never mentioned my momentary lapse of reason.  While they may have seen a bad example of how to handle frustration, they saw a good example of how to handle failure and how to own up to your behavior and mistakes.

Be real with your children.  Be humble.  Be selfless and apologize when necessary.  If they don't see it from us, they may never learn it from anyone else.