Adapt and Overcome

Divorce is a difficult adjustment for those of us dads who truly love their kids.  We go from seeing them every day to far less frequently.  Then we have other challenges thrown at us - typically we have to find our own place while we're paying child support and/or alimony.  The financial burden can be daunting and intimidating.  The changes are dramatic.  Here are some of the things I've learned through my divorce.

• Be involved.   As the Miranda rights say, anything you say (or do) can and will be used against you in a court of law.  And on the flip side, everything you don't do or say can be used against you as well.  If you have time with your kids, do everything you can to take it.  I didn't do this at first, and it was brought up in court as evidence that I didn't want to be with them.  The reality was I had to take a second job in the evenings delivering pizzas, and weekends were when I made the most money.  As soon as I could, I took every other weekend off so I could be with my kids.  It was valuable to them.  And it showed my intentions.  When I had my kids - I had my kids.  When I didn't - I worked.  8-5 with job #1, and 6-whenever with job #2.  But when I had my kids - I had my kids.
• Lower your expectations. Kids don't need a lot.  I went from a nice, large house on an acre lot to a one-bedroom one-bath apartment.  My kids slept on air mattresses in the family room.  We ate off of the coffee table in the family room, which at that point became the dining room.  It turns out that my kids absolutely loved the air mattresses.  They enjoyed eating off the coffee table.  They enjoyed the closeness.  And they liked that the complex had a pool and a park across the street.  For me, it was awful and a serious downgrade.  For them, it was fun and an adventure.  You may want to give them the world - but all you really need to give them is quality time with you.
• Take advantage of every opportunity you're given.  If the agreement gives you time to talk to your kids on the phone - call.  If they don't want to talk, that's ok.  Just call.  If you can text or Email them - do it.  If the agreement gives you time with them - take it.  You don't have to have grand adventures.  Watch a DVD.  Go to a fast food place that has a playground - even if you don't eat there.  Go to the playground at the mall.  Go to a local park or a state park.  Kick a soccer ball around.  Draw.  Create stories.  Build things.  Be creative.  Ask around for ideas.  There are a lot of things that can be done on the cheap or free.  Again, kids don't need everything.  They just need time with you.  If you don't take the time granted to you in the divorce agreement, it could be used against you in the future as evidence that you don't desire it.  Even if there are good reasons, it can still be used against you.  You may not be able to do everything - but do everything that you can.
• Be a dad.  The divorce agreement calls your time with your kids "visitation."  That's a disservice and it's damaging.  Don't let that time be a visitation.  Be a father.  Ask them about school.  Help them with homework.  Ask them about their life and teach them.  Try to keep the same general rules and schedule that their mother has for them, and enforce those rules.  Children need some degree of consistency and they need discipline.  Sometimes doing those things can mean you don't do things you wanted to do together, but it's important to be consistent.  You're a father - not a visiting uncle.  It's not always fun, but it's always important and necessary.
• Be on the record.     It may happen that your time with your children is denied.  You need to have things on record.  If you can, communicate these things via text and/or Email so that it's on the record.  If it comes down to he-said-she-said in court, it's unlikely to go anywhere.  Make it known that you requested time with your kids.  Make it known that you tried to reschedule.  Make sure everything possible is on the record so you can demonstrate that you made an effort.
• Be there.  Unless you're prohibited from doing so, whenever your child has any public event - performance, game, etc - attend.  Be there.  You don't have to sit with their mom.  You don't even have to have any quality time with your child there.  But be there.  It reflects well on you.  And it will make a huge difference to your child.  Attend parent/teacher conferences.  Anything you can attend - do it  Don't make a big deal of it, but show your kids that they're a big deal to you.
• Be polite.  Divorce, by its nature, is adversarial.  But when you're around their mother, make every effort to be polite and cordial.  If nothing else, pretend - for your kids' sake.  They watch and learn from you.  How you behave will be noticed and will influence them.  It's not about you, it's not about principle, it's not even about rights or right and wrong - it's about your kids.  Bite the bullet if you need to.  Be seen, but don't make a scene.

Divorce changes everything.  It's difficult.  And you most likely can't make things the way they used to be.  Honestly things may never be the way they used to be.  But they can still be good and perhaps even better.  Different doesn't mean worse.  It's just different.  Don't give up.  Don't back out.  Don't quit.  Be a dad.

Quantity Time vs Quality Time

Before my divorce, I was told many times to place greater emphasis on quality time than on quantity time.  As a married father, quantity time is plenty - you see your kids in the morning, in the evening, and every weekend.  Often this time is squandered by all the distractions of life.  As a result, there is the emphasis on creating quality time instead.

But after the divorce, things changed.  I didn't see my kids every day.  I didn't see them in the mornings or evenings.  I didn't see them most weekends.  And while I made my best effort to make quality time of the time we did have together, children need more.  While I had no problem making quality time when they were with me, I had to change my mindset and make a conscious effort to create quantity time during those many times when they were not with me.  I now schedule it in to my day.

It doesn't take much.  Quantity time can consist of phone calls in the evening.  For example, I call my kids every weekday.  If they want to talk, we talk.  If they don't, I tell them that I love them, to be a good boy/girl for their mother, and don't make them do anything they don't want to do.  I have made the ten-hour round trip drive to see my daughter in a one hour dance recital (her part constituting perhaps 15 minutes of that) where I only got to see her for a few minutes afterward, and none of that time was one-on-one.  I've made the same drive for two or three hours with them on a holiday.

For those divorced dads that live near their children, go to every event you can.  Even if you don't get to spend any quality time with your child.  Go to every sports event, school event, church event, and anything else you can.  Let them know you're there and that you care.  Let them hear your voice and see your smile.  If you can Email, Skype or text your kids - do it.  Do whatever you can.  Even if it's simple things like "I'm thinking of you!" or "Have a good day!"  Conversation doesn't have to be substantive or even present at all if it's not feasible.  Don't make a scene.  Just be seen.

Life changes after divorce.  Don't let your children be visitors - they're not.  They're your children and you're their father.  Give them all the quantity time you can when you don't have them.  And give them all the quality time you can when you have them.  They need everything we can give them.