Quantity Time vs Quality Time

Before my divorce, I was told many times to place greater emphasis on quality time than on quantity time.  As a married father, quantity time is plenty - you see your kids in the morning, in the evening, and every weekend.  Often this time is squandered by all the distractions of life.  As a result, there is the emphasis on creating quality time instead.

But after the divorce, things changed.  I didn't see my kids every day.  I didn't see them in the mornings or evenings.  I didn't see them most weekends.  And while I made my best effort to make quality time of the time we did have together, children need more.  While I had no problem making quality time when they were with me, I had to change my mindset and make a conscious effort to create quantity time during those many times when they were not with me.  I now schedule it in to my day.

It doesn't take much.  Quantity time can consist of phone calls in the evening.  For example, I call my kids every weekday.  If they want to talk, we talk.  If they don't, I tell them that I love them, to be a good boy/girl for their mother, and don't make them do anything they don't want to do.  I have made the ten-hour round trip drive to see my daughter in a one hour dance recital (her part constituting perhaps 15 minutes of that) where I only got to see her for a few minutes afterward, and none of that time was one-on-one.  I've made the same drive for two or three hours with them on a holiday.

For those divorced dads that live near their children, go to every event you can.  Even if you don't get to spend any quality time with your child.  Go to every sports event, school event, church event, and anything else you can.  Let them know you're there and that you care.  Let them hear your voice and see your smile.  If you can Email, Skype or text your kids - do it.  Do whatever you can.  Even if it's simple things like "I'm thinking of you!" or "Have a good day!"  Conversation doesn't have to be substantive or even present at all if it's not feasible.  Don't make a scene.  Just be seen.

Life changes after divorce.  Don't let your children be visitors - they're not.  They're your children and you're their father.  Give them all the quantity time you can when you don't have them.  And give them all the quality time you can when you have them.  They need everything we can give them.