I'm not a doctor, or a psychologist, or a counselor, or a lawyer, pastor, or anyone else trained in these things. I'm just a man who is doing his best to be the best dad possible to his kids.
Here's a quick summary of how I got here. My ex and I were married in 2002, the same year my daughter was born. My son was born in 2005. I lost my six-figure job soon after. My marriage had always been difficult, but this made it worse. In late 2005, my father passed away. My family relocated in 2006 in hopes of starting a new business, but the economy had other plans. In January 2007, I took a job with a much lower salary than I had previously received. In August, my wife kicked me out and we separated. I was told she didn't want a divorce but that this was temporary. But a year later we divorced. By this time my children were already living elsewhere and I had taken a second job in order to be able to pay child support. Less than a year after that she petitioned the court to move and, despite my objections, was granted that right. She and my children moved over 400 miles and 7 hours away. A few months after that I lost my job. Again. In the time since, my ex has remarried and divorced. They have moved a little closer, but are still over 300 miles and 5 hours away.
I see my children once a month during the school year. My child support has been reduced, but it still requires a sizable amount of my income. I am seldom informed of school or other events. I have been sent/given four pictures of my children since we separated. Four. Since 2007. I've seen one picture of Halloween costumes. I've seen no school pictures. I've seen no school plays or sporting events, though I have made the ten hour drive for a one hour dance recital. I've seen no Christmas pictures or birthday party pictures. I have had to go to court several times just to be able to see or talk to my kids. Their mother called the police on me twice and child services once - each time for child abuse, and each time it was dismissed. In short, I've had to fight for every bit of the relationship I have with my children.
It has been a financial challenge. It has been an emotional challenge. It has been a psychological challenge. It has been a spiritual challenge. And, of course, it has been a legal challenge.
Through all of this, I have had one goal: to be the best father possible to my children. Sometimes I have rocked it. Sometimes I have failed miserably. It has produced the greatest joys of my life, and the greatest frustrations. Through it, I have understood why some men choose to leave. I've never considered it, but I can understand how some can rationalize it, however inappropriate that rationalization may be. I am, always have been, and always will be their father. I will not let adverse circumstances, their mother, or anyone else let me believe otherwise.
I decided to start this blog for one reason - I believe I am here and these circumstances for a reason. While I desperately desire different circumstances, this is where I am and I believe this is an opportunity not to be wasted in waiting.
In this blog, I hope to pass along lessons I have learned and continue to learn. I hope to encourage dads who are in similar, easier, or maybe even worse situations. I hope to provide resources and information that can provide the professional input that I cannot.
My goal is very simple: to help me and others to be better dads. It is what we are. And our children desperately need us to be the best we can be at that job. I want to help each of us Build a Better Dad.
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