Easter - Celebrating after the Fact

One of the many downsides of divorce is not seeing your children on special holidays, like this past Easter.  The typical arrangement most of us have, with every other year being our year with the child(ren), means simply that we miss being with them on half of these holidays.

The upside of this is that it opens the door to discounted gifts and a creative time together to celebrate the holiday.  With Easter having already passed, but me planning to celebrate it with my children this coming weekend, I can get pretty much any Easter candy or gifts that I want at a deeply discounted rate.  That's not too bad.

The harder part is that we simply cannot do the bigger Easter events, like community or church egg hunts and such.  But with a little creativity, it can still be a fun time for you and your children.  And the fact that it will just be you and your children has the opportunity for it to be a more intimate time as well, which is always good.

I don't pretend to have the market cornered on late-Easter options, but here are some things I've done in the past and plan to do this year, or have thought to do:

• Glow in the dark eggs - these were fun.  I found some glow-sticks/straws at Hobby Lobby, curled them up and put them in the pastel colored plastic eggs along with some candy.  I had to tape the eggs shut so the coiled up glow-straw wouldn't pop them open, but other than that, that was a fun Easter egg hunt.
• Egg clue hunt - I bought each of my children a stuffed animal and will hide it.  Then I'll hide the eggs with clues inside on where to find the next egg.  At the end of the hunt, they'll find their toy.
• Indoor egg hunt - good for a rainy day.  Same as an outdoor egg hunt, but if you live in an apartment complex or an area where you worry about other children taking the eggs, this is a good alternative.  Simply hide the eggs around the house and let them search.
• Egg Dying - get some clearance egg-dying kits and dye some eggs.  The possibility that you don't know what you're doing any better than they do can make it unusually fun!
• Petting Zoos - if there is a nearby petting zoo, or you have friends with a farm, few things feel more like Easter to a little child than interacting with a baby animal.  It makes for great Easter pictures for the family, too.
• Easter Basket - at the very least, you can do this.  There should be plenty on deep discount after Easter and that are already put together.  Or you can put together your own.  You can even borrow the basket and "grass" from a friend who will have already celebrated Easter.
• With siblings (I have a son and a daughter) it can be competitive, so I usually designate one area for him and one for her, or one color for him and one for her, so they're each guaranteed the same number of eggs and there's no heated competition.

Missing the actual holiday doesn't mean you still can't celebrate with your children.  Maybe you have other divorced parent friends who have their kids the same weekend and you can do something together with them and their children.  There are many options.  You just have to be creative.  If you doubt your creative abilities, head to Hobby Lobby or some place like that which will have seasonal items and take a look around.  Seeing things often helps me come up with ideas.  It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you do something.

Don't let the fact that you missed Easter mean you can't still celebrate with your kids. Don't let the fact that you miss any holiday or special event mean that you still can't celebrate.  The important thing is not the calendar-day that they celebrate with you, but only that they do celebrate with you.

Five Things Good Fathers Shouldn't Do

This is from the web site, All Pro Dad, but I am adjusting it a bit for us divorced dads.  The core principles remain the same.  The link to the full article precedes and follows.

• Substance Abuse/Pornography
  Whether it's drinking, smoking, or pornography - if they're not good influences on your children, you don't need to be doing them.  Whatever you do your children will want to emulate.  Whatever you do will affect you in some way and will, in turn, affect your children.  These may be seen as coping mechanisms, something to get you through the frustrations or depression of when they're not with you, or any of a number of rationalizations, but the short story is that if you don't want your kids doing it or being affected by it, you don't need to be doing it.
• Financial Carelessness
  We divorced dads have tighter budgets than most.  We have child support, we may have alimony, we surely have court costs, and many times we have to buy everything for our house that the kids already have at her house - in addition to our own residence.  We have to be responsible with our finances.  We also do not need to complain about child support and/or alimony to our children, whether or not we think or know that some or all of it never makes it to them.  It also gets back to being a good example.  If we're careless with our money, how can we expect our children to be responsible with theirs?
• Disrespectful Abandonment
  It's one thing to take a golf day, or a fishing day or say late at work when your kids are with you every morning, every evening, and every weekend.  It's another thing to take days when we only see our children occasionally.  When you have your kids - you need to be with your kids.  Unless there is an emergency, you don't need to be getting a baby-sitter or leaving them with a family member for any lengthy period of time - particularly if it's habitual.  It's not good for the kids and their relationship with you, and it gives your ex valuable ammunition in any action that she may take against you or in any effort you may have towards her or custody.  When your kids are with you, you need to be with them.
• Foul/Mean Speech
  Once again, your children will want to be like you.  You are a powerful influence on them - for good or for bad.  Foul language, mean language, and especially derisive speech toward their mother, are all very negative influences on them.  Teach them decency, manners, politeness, consideration, and humility.  You can stand up for your children without tearing down their mother.  You can be a good dad even if you feel the courts are standing in your way.  How you speak will greatly affect how they see you, and how you influence them.
• Free and Easy Living
  This is a tricky one for us divorced dads, for much of the time we ARE able to live free and easy.  When we don't have our kids, we are essentially single adults and we can pretty much do what we want.  But we need to make sure that those behaviors don't become habitual.  When we have our kids, we need to provide them with structure and responsibility.  We need to make it as much of a home as possible, just like we would if we were married.  They need to have responsibilities at your house.  They need to be disciplined when needed at your house.  They need to have at least somewhat of a schedule (even though it's usually the weekends when we have them).  You need to show responsibility and self-discipline as well.  The habits they get into at your house can negatively impact your children at their mother's house.  You may not like her, and you may actually hate her, but don't put your kids in the middle by getting them used to rules - or lack of rules - that you know will create problems at their mother's house.

Remember, everything you do and say influences your children - and can do so even when they're not with you.  And anything you do and say can also be held against you in court.  Be mature, be decent, be polite, be responsible, be committed, and be the better person.

Original Article: 5 Activities Good Fathers Should Stop Doing

Adapt and Overcome

Divorce is a difficult adjustment for those of us dads who truly love their kids.  We go from seeing them every day to far less frequently.  Then we have other challenges thrown at us - typically we have to find our own place while we're paying child support and/or alimony.  The financial burden can be daunting and intimidating.  The changes are dramatic.  Here are some of the things I've learned through my divorce.

• Be involved.   As the Miranda rights say, anything you say (or do) can and will be used against you in a court of law.  And on the flip side, everything you don't do or say can be used against you as well.  If you have time with your kids, do everything you can to take it.  I didn't do this at first, and it was brought up in court as evidence that I didn't want to be with them.  The reality was I had to take a second job in the evenings delivering pizzas, and weekends were when I made the most money.  As soon as I could, I took every other weekend off so I could be with my kids.  It was valuable to them.  And it showed my intentions.  When I had my kids - I had my kids.  When I didn't - I worked.  8-5 with job #1, and 6-whenever with job #2.  But when I had my kids - I had my kids.
• Lower your expectations. Kids don't need a lot.  I went from a nice, large house on an acre lot to a one-bedroom one-bath apartment.  My kids slept on air mattresses in the family room.  We ate off of the coffee table in the family room, which at that point became the dining room.  It turns out that my kids absolutely loved the air mattresses.  They enjoyed eating off the coffee table.  They enjoyed the closeness.  And they liked that the complex had a pool and a park across the street.  For me, it was awful and a serious downgrade.  For them, it was fun and an adventure.  You may want to give them the world - but all you really need to give them is quality time with you.
• Take advantage of every opportunity you're given.  If the agreement gives you time to talk to your kids on the phone - call.  If they don't want to talk, that's ok.  Just call.  If you can text or Email them - do it.  If the agreement gives you time with them - take it.  You don't have to have grand adventures.  Watch a DVD.  Go to a fast food place that has a playground - even if you don't eat there.  Go to the playground at the mall.  Go to a local park or a state park.  Kick a soccer ball around.  Draw.  Create stories.  Build things.  Be creative.  Ask around for ideas.  There are a lot of things that can be done on the cheap or free.  Again, kids don't need everything.  They just need time with you.  If you don't take the time granted to you in the divorce agreement, it could be used against you in the future as evidence that you don't desire it.  Even if there are good reasons, it can still be used against you.  You may not be able to do everything - but do everything that you can.
• Be a dad.  The divorce agreement calls your time with your kids "visitation."  That's a disservice and it's damaging.  Don't let that time be a visitation.  Be a father.  Ask them about school.  Help them with homework.  Ask them about their life and teach them.  Try to keep the same general rules and schedule that their mother has for them, and enforce those rules.  Children need some degree of consistency and they need discipline.  Sometimes doing those things can mean you don't do things you wanted to do together, but it's important to be consistent.  You're a father - not a visiting uncle.  It's not always fun, but it's always important and necessary.
• Be on the record.     It may happen that your time with your children is denied.  You need to have things on record.  If you can, communicate these things via text and/or Email so that it's on the record.  If it comes down to he-said-she-said in court, it's unlikely to go anywhere.  Make it known that you requested time with your kids.  Make it known that you tried to reschedule.  Make sure everything possible is on the record so you can demonstrate that you made an effort.
• Be there.  Unless you're prohibited from doing so, whenever your child has any public event - performance, game, etc - attend.  Be there.  You don't have to sit with their mom.  You don't even have to have any quality time with your child there.  But be there.  It reflects well on you.  And it will make a huge difference to your child.  Attend parent/teacher conferences.  Anything you can attend - do it  Don't make a big deal of it, but show your kids that they're a big deal to you.
• Be polite.  Divorce, by its nature, is adversarial.  But when you're around their mother, make every effort to be polite and cordial.  If nothing else, pretend - for your kids' sake.  They watch and learn from you.  How you behave will be noticed and will influence them.  It's not about you, it's not about principle, it's not even about rights or right and wrong - it's about your kids.  Bite the bullet if you need to.  Be seen, but don't make a scene.

Divorce changes everything.  It's difficult.  And you most likely can't make things the way they used to be.  Honestly things may never be the way they used to be.  But they can still be good and perhaps even better.  Different doesn't mean worse.  It's just different.  Don't give up.  Don't back out.  Don't quit.  Be a dad.

All Apologies

As a single dad, I like to think that there's nothing I can't do.  I can be the dad I want to be and I can do it without any help.  I can be Superdad.  I like to think that.  It doesn't always work out that way.

This winter I took my children snow skiing for the first time.  I figured I could teach the kids myself.  I taught them to swing and to ride their bikes without training wheels, after all.

We began on the bunny slope with me trying to ski beside them, but that just didn't work, so I took off my skis and would run beside or behind them, not too unlike it was when I taught them to ride their bikes.  One would ski down while the other would ride the people-mover up.  And I would run up the hill in my ski boots to help the next one down.  Those boots were not made for running, but that's just what they did.  We ended our time on the bunny slope after my daughter, unable to stop, ran in to another learner and injured her a bit - just enough that the adult with that person was very mad at my daughter.  So I got mad at my daughter.  I didn't want people to think that I didn't take slope safety seriously.  After crashing in to someone and having me yell at her my daughter's self-confidence was fairly well shattered.  I figured that would be a good time to take a lunch break.  I apologized to her at lunch, but she was less than enthusiastic when we went out to take the chairlift up to the top of the easy slope where we had more room than on the bunny slope.

We made it off of the lift and I tried, first, to help my daughter down.  She did well and skied down to the lift ok, as did my son.  But the lift line had a downward slope.  Neither of my kids knew how to "stand" in the snow without skiing.  One slid left, the other right, both crying "Daddy!" while I tried to tell them what to do to keep from sliding and running in to more people.  It didn't work and I lost my temper.  I got mad at both of them, probably created a bit of a scene, and had to walk away for a moment.

I was crushed.  I knew what I had done.  I knew I had set a bad example, embarrassed myself, let down my kids, and, in short, failed.  And I couldn't undo any of it.  This doesn't happen to Superdad.  I'm supposed to be able to do it all.  But I couldn't.  I figured things out after this and later apologized to both children individually.  We ended up having a great time

Here's the point: our children learn from us - for better or for worse.  When we get mad, they learn how to get mad.  But when we apologize, they learn to apologize.  They need to see us make mistakes - which works well, because I make more than I'd like - and they need to see how we handle it.  When we fail, they need to see us recover.  They need to learn humility from us.  They need to learn selflessness from us.  They also need to know that they don't have to be able to do it all.  It's okay to fail.  The only way to never fail is to never try, and we don't really have that option as parents - and particularly as single parents.

Don't be too proud to apologize to your child.  Don't be too proud to let them know you made a mistake.  When we apologize and make mistakes, they learn that it's okay to do both.  Superman knows his limits and weaknesses.  Superdad needs to do the same - though our limits and weaknesses are far more numerous!

My children both rallied around me in the end and I was proud of them.  They both learned to ski.  They both did great and have never mentioned my momentary lapse of reason.  While they may have seen a bad example of how to handle frustration, they saw a good example of how to handle failure and how to own up to your behavior and mistakes.

Be real with your children.  Be humble.  Be selfless and apologize when necessary.  If they don't see it from us, they may never learn it from anyone else.

Fathers and Daughters

We learn very quickly growing up that boys and girls are different.  Unfortunately, as fathers, we don't always learn so quickly that sons and daughters are different.  Recently I came across an article entitled 50 Rules for Dads of Daughters.  The entire list is available by following the link, but below are some of the ones that struck me as the most relevant, particularly for dads of divorce (and I paraphrased them a bit):

• Hardest for us, but perhaps most important: Treat her mother with respect - both directly and indirectly. When your daughter grows up, the odds are good she’ll fall in love with and marry someone who treats her much like you treated her mother. Good or bad, that’s just the way it is.
• Today she’s walking down the driveway to get on the school bus. Tomorrow she’s going off to college. Don't waste a second.  Take advantage of every opportunity.
• Ice cream covers over a multitude of sins. Know her favorite flavor.  In fact, know her favorite everything - animal, color, song, etc.  Get to know your daughter.
• Take it easy on the presents for her birthday and Christmas. Instead, give her the gift of experiences you can share together, and don't get caught up in competing with her mom when it comes to gifts.
• Few things in life are more comforting to a crying little girl than her father’s arms. Never forget this.
• Take her swimsuit shopping. Don’t be afraid to veto some of her choices, but resist the urge to buy her full-body beach pajamas.  Teach her modesty, but also to be comfortable in her own skin.
• Never, ever miss her birthday. Years later, she won’t remember the present you gave her. She will remember if you weren’t there.
• She’s as smart as anybody. Make sure she knows that.
• Teach her to change a flat. It's important they learn responsibility and independence from their father.
• Tell her she’s beautiful. Say it over and over again. Someday an animated movie or “beauty” magazine will try to convince her otherwise.  Let her hear it most from her father and she won't be as likely to seek it from others instead.
  
• Learn to say no. She may pitch a fit today, but someday you’ll both be glad you stuck to your guns.
• Dance with her. Start when she’s a little girl or even when she’s a baby. Don’t wait until her wedding day.  Be her prince.
• Of course you look silly playing peek-a-boo. You should play anyway.  You look perfect to her.
• Pray for her. Regularly. Passionately. Continually.
• Always be there. Quality time doesn’t happen without quantity time. Hang out together for no other reason than just to be in each others presence. Be genuinely interested in the things that interest her. She needs her dad to be involved in her life at every stage. Don’t just sit idly by while she adds years to her life.  Add life to her years.

Life is short, opportunities are finite, and your presence in her life is irreplaceable. If you're not there, she will look for that elsewhere.  Be there for her - not for you.

Quantity Time vs Quality Time

Before my divorce, I was told many times to place greater emphasis on quality time than on quantity time.  As a married father, quantity time is plenty - you see your kids in the morning, in the evening, and every weekend.  Often this time is squandered by all the distractions of life.  As a result, there is the emphasis on creating quality time instead.

But after the divorce, things changed.  I didn't see my kids every day.  I didn't see them in the mornings or evenings.  I didn't see them most weekends.  And while I made my best effort to make quality time of the time we did have together, children need more.  While I had no problem making quality time when they were with me, I had to change my mindset and make a conscious effort to create quantity time during those many times when they were not with me.  I now schedule it in to my day.

It doesn't take much.  Quantity time can consist of phone calls in the evening.  For example, I call my kids every weekday.  If they want to talk, we talk.  If they don't, I tell them that I love them, to be a good boy/girl for their mother, and don't make them do anything they don't want to do.  I have made the ten-hour round trip drive to see my daughter in a one hour dance recital (her part constituting perhaps 15 minutes of that) where I only got to see her for a few minutes afterward, and none of that time was one-on-one.  I've made the same drive for two or three hours with them on a holiday.

For those divorced dads that live near their children, go to every event you can.  Even if you don't get to spend any quality time with your child.  Go to every sports event, school event, church event, and anything else you can.  Let them know you're there and that you care.  Let them hear your voice and see your smile.  If you can Email, Skype or text your kids - do it.  Do whatever you can.  Even if it's simple things like "I'm thinking of you!" or "Have a good day!"  Conversation doesn't have to be substantive or even present at all if it's not feasible.  Don't make a scene.  Just be seen.

Life changes after divorce.  Don't let your children be visitors - they're not.  They're your children and you're their father.  Give them all the quantity time you can when you don't have them.  And give them all the quality time you can when you have them.  They need everything we can give them.

About Me

I'm not a doctor, or a psychologist, or a counselor, or a lawyer, pastor, or anyone else trained in these things.  I'm just a man who is doing his best to be the best dad possible to his kids.

Here's a quick summary of how I got here.  My ex and I were married in 2002, the same year my daughter was born.  My son was born in 2005.  I lost my six-figure job soon after.  My marriage had always been difficult, but this made it worse.  In late 2005, my father passed away.  My family relocated in 2006 in hopes of starting a new business, but the economy had other plans.  In January 2007, I took a job with a much lower salary than I had previously received.  In August, my wife kicked me out and we separated.  I was told she didn't want a divorce but that this was temporary.  But a year later we divorced.  By this time my children were already living elsewhere and I had taken a second job in order to be able to pay child support.  Less than a year after that she petitioned the court to move and, despite my objections, was granted that right.  She and my children moved over 400 miles and 7 hours away.  A few months after that I lost my job.  Again.  In the time since, my ex has remarried and divorced.  They have moved a little closer, but are still over 300 miles and 5 hours away.

I see my children once a month during the school year.  My child support has been reduced, but it still requires a sizable amount of my income.  I am seldom informed of school or other events.  I have been sent/given four pictures of my children since we separated.  Four.  Since 2007.  I've seen one picture of Halloween costumes.  I've seen no school pictures.  I've seen no school plays or sporting events, though I have made the ten hour drive for a one hour dance recital.  I've seen no Christmas pictures or birthday party pictures.  I have had to go to court several times just to be able to see or talk to my kids.  Their mother called the police on me twice and child services once - each time for child abuse, and each time it was dismissed.  In short, I've had to fight for every bit of the relationship I have with my children.

It has been a financial challenge.  It has been an emotional challenge.  It has been a psychological challenge.  It has been a spiritual challenge.  And, of course, it has been a legal challenge.

Through all of this, I have had one goal: to be the best father possible to my children.  Sometimes I have rocked it.  Sometimes I have failed miserably.  It has produced the greatest joys of my life, and the greatest frustrations.  Through it, I have understood why some men choose to leave.  I've never considered it, but I can understand how some can rationalize it, however inappropriate that rationalization may be.  I am, always have been, and always will be their father.  I will not let adverse circumstances, their mother, or anyone else let me believe otherwise.

I decided to start this blog for one reason - I believe I am here and these circumstances for a reason.  While I desperately desire different circumstances, this is where I am and I believe this is an opportunity not to be wasted in waiting.

In this blog, I hope to pass along lessons I have learned and continue to learn.  I hope to encourage dads who are in similar, easier, or maybe even worse situations.  I hope to provide resources and information that can provide the professional input that I cannot.

My goal is very simple: to help me and others to be better dads.  It is what we are.  And our children desperately need us to be the best we can be at that job.  I want to help each of us Build a Better Dad.