Fight for Your Children

In general, we men are fighters.  We're fixers.  We see a problem, we fix it.  We have a struggle, we fight through it.  But divorce is different.  We can't fix it.  We can't fight it - especially not literally.  In many cases we lose our kids, we lose a great deal of our money, we lose a measure of pride, and the losses may continue in other areas.  For those of us who try to be good dads to our kids even after the divorce, the strain is difficult and many men simply find it easier to give up.  It may be easier, but it's the worst thing we can do for our children.

As I write this, it is June 6, 2014 - the 70th anniversary of D-Day in France in 1944.  I read a lot of World War 2 history and I've drawn much encouragement and motivation from the struggles of the allied forces during that time.  In 1941/1942, Britain was being pounded daily by German air raids and they lived in fear of invasion.  The United States had suffered the devastating defeat at Pearl Harbor where much of our Pacific Fleet was destroyed.  The next year, 1942, we lost almost all of the Pacific - Singapore, the Philippines, Wake Island, Guam, and much more.  Germany was close to conquering the Soviet Union and had occupied or conquered much of Europe and North Africa.  We were outmanned, outgunned, inexperienced, and had minimal capabilities to get our forces to the far off places where they were needed.  Everything was against us.

But we kept fighting.  We kept trying.  We didn't give up.  Soon, we took footholds in the Pacific.  Our navy began turning the tide at the Battle of Midway in June, 1942.   The allied armies began pushing the Germans back in North Africa.  We moved forward.  It was not without great cost, but positive progress was made toward our goals.

In our fight as divorced dads, the court hearings and other formalities that leave us without our kids, with large financial burdens and perhaps legal fees, senses of loss and frustration and new feelings of helplessness, we feel defeated.  The failure of our marriage may be fresh on our minds.  We feel like we cannot be successful or competent fathers.  But we can.  We just have to keep moving forward.  Two quotes from the D-Day invasion come to mind:

"There are only two kinds of people who are staying on this beach: those who are already dead and those that are gonna die. Now get off your butts...."  Col George A Taylor

"As best I can figure it, we’re on the wrong beach....  They landed us about a mile and a quarter south of where we were supposed to land.  We should be up there.  We’re starting the war from right here.  Head inland.  We’re going inland."  Gen Theodore Roosevelt

Both of these men realized that they weren't where they were supposed to be.  They realized that to stay where they were was to essentially guarantee they would fail in their goals and quite possibly die.  They knew that their only real option was to press on and to move forward toward their goals.

Our situation is similar.  Stay put - become complacent and not try to improve the situation - and things will not get better, and could likely get worse.  But press on toward your goal of being the best father you can be, and things may still be difficult and may yet get worse, but you will be moving toward your goal.  Yes, it's difficult.  Yes, it's frustrating.  Yes, it can be discouraging.  But our goal and our job is to be the best fathers we can be to our children.  We must make an effort.  If we try and fail, then we can at least say we tried.  If we don't try and then fail, then we have not only let ourselves down, but more importantly we have let our children down.  Start from where you are.  Move forward.  Fight for your children.  They're worth it.

Father's Day for Divorced Dads

One of the nice things about Father's Day for most of us divorced dads is that we are usually guaranteed to see our kids for at least part of that weekend.  It should be a special time, but it can be awkward if the relationship with their mother is strained and the children - particularly young children - have not been given any help in recognizing us in any way.  From the children's perspective, Father's Day should be about recognizing and thanking you as a father.  But from your perspective, it should be about you showing how much you love and appreciate them as your children.  Here are some ideas on how to do these things and make it a special Father's Day for both you and your kids.

Gifts and Cards
There are several options, depending upon the age of your kids.  Here are some that I've done and that may spur some ideas for you:

• Blind Shopping
  This is easy and was the first time I helped them get me something for Father's Day.  They wanted to get me something, but were both still in single digits at the time, so I just took them to a store where they had an ample supply of greeting cards and let them pick.  They took the cards to the counter, all the while hiding the card in the envelope so I couldn't see it. I explained to the clerk what we were doing, they rang up the cards and gave me the total.  This was maybe 4 years ago and these cards are still my favorites and still sit on my mantle with other cards they have given me.
• Budgeted Shopping
  Two years ago, my kids expressed that they wanted to get me something.  They explained that mommy had gotten presents for them to give me but had forgotten to send the presents with them, and they were crushed to tears.  I gave them a budget ($40) and said that you can each spend $20 or both spend $40, but that was what they had to work with.  I took them to the store and shadowed them from a distance to make sure they weren't cutting up, but when I spoke to employees that had spoken to them found that they were being very responsible and very thoughtful in their gift selection.  They also learned the value of a dollar - the first gift they wanted to get me was a regular iPad.  When they found out how expensive that was they tried a digital camera, and so on, until they found out what you can actually get for $20 or $40. Once again, they surprised me with wonderfully thoughtful and special gifts that I value and use to this day.

• Creative Expression
  Set aside some time for the kids to make you a card or perhaps even a gift, depending upon the resources available and their age.  Kids can be wonderfully honest and sweet when they make things themselves and while the monetary value may be nothing, the sentimental value of such gifts can be priceless.
• Photographs/Digital Gifts
  If the kids are older, they can order photo gifts online with a budget.  They could also use an app on a phone or tablet to make and/or edit an image that they could simply send to you or perhaps purchase for you.  They could also make a short video, sing a song, or numerous other things that today's technology allows.

Honoring Your Kids

For us divorced dads, the gift in our situation is not getting a day to ourselves, but getting a day with our children.  Show them how special they are.  Take them on a weekend trip, out for ice cream, to the park, to a movie, etc.  Do something to show them how much you love them and where you can spend quality time together.  I've been fortunate to have access to a beach house that we'll go to this year for Father's Day weekend and that we went to last year as well.  It was a lot of work for a single dad with two children, but it was a wonderfully special time for all of us and a great set of memories built for them.  On Father's Day Sunday, it was particularly nice to hear people wish me a Happy Father's Day when I was out with my kids.

Other options, taken from the suggestions above, are to print out or edit a picture of you with them and have that framed for your house or apartment.  Do something to recognize you and them as family - something that will always be there as a reminder of that relationship.

Worst Case Scenario
In a worst case scenario where you do not, for whatever reason, see them on Father's Day, there are other options.  You can Skype or FaceTime with them.  You can also recognize Father's Day on another day.  If there is anything you can do - no matter how small or insignificant it may seem - do it.  But whatever you do, don't malign their mother even if the situation is of her doing.  It does no one any good, is particularly harmful to the kids, and reflects poorly upon you.

Don't depend on their mother to help them recognize you.  Maybe she will, maybe she won't.  Help the kids recognize you, and do something to recognize them, and this could be the best Father's Day weekend you and they have ever had.

If It Makes You Happy

There's an old song by Sheryl Crow where the chorus goes "If it makes you happy - it can't be that bad."  It's a catchy little tune, but it's very much not true.  If you ask any divorced person - male or female - almost every one would tell you that they're divorced because their spouse basically did whatever made them happy.  This is one of the most destructive lies we can buy into.

I'm going to reference some Biblical principles, but they still hold true even if you're not a Christian, are of another religion, or even if you're an atheist.  Some principles are just universal, even if you don't acknowledge the first point (though I'd be remiss to say that committing to the first point makes the other two fall into place more easily).  So if we don't shoot for doing what makes us happy, what do we do?

1. Do what brings God glory.  Do what puts the focus on Him, not on yourself.  Do what furthers His kingdom, not your own kingdom.  And a big part of it is something we can all agree on no matter religion or outlook, and that's the next point.
2. Look out for others.  Put others before you.  Particularly when it comes to your family.  If at work,  does it benefit your coworkers and/or the company - or just you?  At play, does it benefit your team and teammates - or just you?  And at home, does it benefit your family/children - or just you?
3. Take care of yourself.  Keep yourself in good health.  If you're a Christian - strengthen your relationship with God.  If you're not - strengthen your understanding of who you are.  Make yourself stronger - physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  Eat well.  Get some exercise.  Read a book.  Learn something new.  If you need counseling - get it.  If you have an addiction - give it up.  If you need help with that - get it.  If you need support - reach out for it.  If you don't know what to do - ask someone.

Almost every divorce begins with selfishness - pursuing what makes self happy without regard for others.  It's against our nature.  But to be a better father, we have to learn to put ourselves lower on the priority list.  If nothing else, our children - and our family, if still married - come first.  Period.  Getting back at the ex may feel good, but it's not good for the kids.  Getting a babysitter for the kids on the weekend you have them so you can have a date may feel good.  But to the kids, you're putting someone before them.  You're neglecting them.  Opting out of disciplining the kids on your few days together will certainly keep things happy.  But it's not good for the kids.  They need discipline - it's your responsibility as a father.  Telling your kids "not now" while you're watching "the game" or your favorite TV show tells them that there is something more important to you than them.  Turning it off and spending time with them tells them that they are the most important - especially if they know your love for your team.

Doing what makes you happy may have gotten you in to this situation.  Or maybe it was your spouse doing so.  Or perhaps it was both of you.  Doing what makes you happy can be that bad.  It can be very bad.  Keep your priorities in line and it will fall in to place.

7 Things a Son Needs from His Father

This is from a post on AllProDad.com, but I tailored it a bit for us divorced dads.

1. He needs you to respect his mother
   This is the hardest, but perhaps the most important, element for us divorced dads.  Some divorced couples are amicable, and some are downright hostile.  Many fall in between.  But regardless of your feelings toward your ex, or hers toward you, she is and will always be his mother.  You need to respect that.  Encourage him to obey and respect her.  Build her up as his mother.  How you treat his mother can impact how he treats women as he grows.  How you conduct this relationship can impact how he learns to conduct his own relationships.  He already knows you no longer love each other - you're divorced after all.  But he needs to see respect and to learn that from you.
2. He needs to see you fail - not just succeed
   Face it - we're divorced.  So in varying ways we have all failed.  We may have cheated, had addiction issues, had mental struggles such as depression, or had anger issues.  But even if we didn't have those things and our ex was the primary transgressor, marriage is still a two-way street and no spouse is ever without responsibility.  Man up with your son.  Let him know how you failed (with the appropriate details at the appropriate age).  Let him learn from your mistakes.  Let him see how a man handles responsibility, failure and success.  Don't be afraid to admit your shortcomings or your past.  Set the example on humility, responsibility, and maturity.
3. He needs your leadership
   This may seem easy when you're divorced.  You're obviously no longer the leader of the joint home with his mother.  But you're still his father.  Be his father, not just his playmate or best buddy.  Teach him - don't just entertain him.  He will learn from you.  Want to raise a leader?  Show him leadership.
4. He needs you to be present
   Well, we can't always do that.  But when you can be there - be there.  When you can't be there - call, text, Email, Skype - do whatever you can.  Ask him about his events and activities.  Show up even if you can't spend any time with him.  He needs to know you care - so you need to be there.
5. He needs your love regardless of his choices
   Give him options and opportunities and let him find his own way.  When he finds something he likes, encourage it - even if it was his mom's idea.  Even if he doesn't like the things you like and he prefers the things his mom likes.  You're not here to raise a little you.  You're here to raise a unique little individual.  Encourage him.  Love him.  Period.
6. He needs you to affirm him
   Children of divorce are particularly susceptible to self-doubts and feelings of inadequacy.  There has been a lot that has happened that they don't understand.  Tell him every chance you get that you love him.  Tell him that he's good at what he's doing.  Encourage him.  Don't obsess with what your ex may be telling him about you.  You can't control her - you can only control you.  Be a loving, affirming, encouraging dad.
7. He needs you to discipline him in love
   When you only have your son for a weekend, it's difficult to enforce discipline.  For example, you've been planning a trip to the waterpark, he does something disobedient, and you threaten him that if he does it again you won't go to the waterpark.  Then he does it again.  You must be consistent.  You have to provide discipline.  As much as it stinks for both of you in your limited time together, you need to provide consistent discipline.  A common misconception is that discipline should hurt.  That's not the case.  Discipline should teach.  There are consequences to actions, and he needs to understand that.  You need to teach him how to make the right decisions and that there are consequences to bad decisions.  Do not lash out in anger.  It's hard when we don't have a spouse to take over when we get frustrated or aggravated.  If you need to, step a way for a moment, compose yourself, and then address the issue.  Discipline him in love, not in anger.

The original article can be found here at AllProDad.com.

Control

As men, we like to be in control.  We do not like the feeling of things being beyond our control.  And divorce turns that upside down.  All of a sudden, we can't just see our kids.  We can only see them on certain days and at certain times.  If we want or need to change that or make any modification or addition, we have to ask.  And not just ask a judge, but ask the person who, in our eyes, may be seen as having taken those children away from us.  It's not easy.  It's downright frustrating and humbling.  But to be a good father, it's necessary.

But there are things we can control - and things we must control - if we're to be a good father.  Here are three areas we can exercise control.  It may not help things with our ex, but it won't hurt.  And it will certainly help us be a better dad to our kids.

Tongue

What we say matters.  And it's not just what we say to our kids or to their mom, it's what we say to others.  The more we say things to others, or even to ourselves, the more likely we are to say it around our children.  If it's good things - no problem.  If it's bad things - problem.  Probably especially after a divorce, our kids are watching and listening to us.  They pick up on every little thing and they learn from it.  They will learn how to deal with adversity by how we deal with it.  They will learn how to be considerate by listening to us.  Words that tear down their mom may have the affect of tearing down your kids.  Most importantly with children - once something is said, it can't be unsaid.  They will remember it and it will influence them for the better or for the worse.  Control your tongue.

Temper
This is big.  Divorce breeds conflict in many cases.  At times, that conflict happens in front of the kids when we're meeting their mom to exchange the kids or for some other event.  If you speak poorly of your ex to your friends or family, what are you likely to do or say when she becomes confrontational when the kids are around?  Again, your children will learn how to react to others based upon how they see you react.  If you lash out at their mother, you will see them lash out at others.  Whether you feel your anger is justified or not, it's seldom if ever appropriate for the children to see.  Control your temper.

Thoughts
This is the underlying element of it all.  How you think is how you will speak and how you will act.  If you think of how much you hate your ex or how poorly she's treated you, how will you end up responding to her?  How will you respond to your kids when they get to that age where they take sides or play one parent against the other?  This is the hardest thing to control, but it is the core of us being able to exercise control.

We see how important controlling thoughts is when we look at athletes or anyone who is involved in a precision activity.  Many athletes will visualize their event before they run it - whether it's hurdles, bobsled, skiing, or any other event.  They do this because they know their thoughts will impact their performance.  The US military's flight demonstration teams - the USAF Thunderbirds and the US Navy Blue Angels do the same before their high speed flight demonstrations.  The video below describes how they rehearse and visualize their act.  We need to focus on how we should behave, speak and reply with no less intensity because it's our children at stake.  We need to break down how we respond and react.  We need to learn to be in complete control of ourselves.  And we can't do that if we don't exercise control over our thoughts, first and foremost.



Don't try to control your ex - it's not going to happen.  Don't even try to control your kids.  That's not very likely either.  The only one you can really control is yourself, which will help you be a strong and positive influence on both, but particularly on your children - and that's what it's all about.  Be the better person and be a better dad.

Easter - Celebrating after the Fact

One of the many downsides of divorce is not seeing your children on special holidays, like this past Easter.  The typical arrangement most of us have, with every other year being our year with the child(ren), means simply that we miss being with them on half of these holidays.

The upside of this is that it opens the door to discounted gifts and a creative time together to celebrate the holiday.  With Easter having already passed, but me planning to celebrate it with my children this coming weekend, I can get pretty much any Easter candy or gifts that I want at a deeply discounted rate.  That's not too bad.

The harder part is that we simply cannot do the bigger Easter events, like community or church egg hunts and such.  But with a little creativity, it can still be a fun time for you and your children.  And the fact that it will just be you and your children has the opportunity for it to be a more intimate time as well, which is always good.

I don't pretend to have the market cornered on late-Easter options, but here are some things I've done in the past and plan to do this year, or have thought to do:

• Glow in the dark eggs - these were fun.  I found some glow-sticks/straws at Hobby Lobby, curled them up and put them in the pastel colored plastic eggs along with some candy.  I had to tape the eggs shut so the coiled up glow-straw wouldn't pop them open, but other than that, that was a fun Easter egg hunt.
• Egg clue hunt - I bought each of my children a stuffed animal and will hide it.  Then I'll hide the eggs with clues inside on where to find the next egg.  At the end of the hunt, they'll find their toy.
• Indoor egg hunt - good for a rainy day.  Same as an outdoor egg hunt, but if you live in an apartment complex or an area where you worry about other children taking the eggs, this is a good alternative.  Simply hide the eggs around the house and let them search.
• Egg Dying - get some clearance egg-dying kits and dye some eggs.  The possibility that you don't know what you're doing any better than they do can make it unusually fun!
• Petting Zoos - if there is a nearby petting zoo, or you have friends with a farm, few things feel more like Easter to a little child than interacting with a baby animal.  It makes for great Easter pictures for the family, too.
• Easter Basket - at the very least, you can do this.  There should be plenty on deep discount after Easter and that are already put together.  Or you can put together your own.  You can even borrow the basket and "grass" from a friend who will have already celebrated Easter.
• With siblings (I have a son and a daughter) it can be competitive, so I usually designate one area for him and one for her, or one color for him and one for her, so they're each guaranteed the same number of eggs and there's no heated competition.

Missing the actual holiday doesn't mean you still can't celebrate with your children.  Maybe you have other divorced parent friends who have their kids the same weekend and you can do something together with them and their children.  There are many options.  You just have to be creative.  If you doubt your creative abilities, head to Hobby Lobby or some place like that which will have seasonal items and take a look around.  Seeing things often helps me come up with ideas.  It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you do something.

Don't let the fact that you missed Easter mean you can't still celebrate with your kids. Don't let the fact that you miss any holiday or special event mean that you still can't celebrate.  The important thing is not the calendar-day that they celebrate with you, but only that they do celebrate with you.

Five Things Good Fathers Shouldn't Do

This is from the web site, All Pro Dad, but I am adjusting it a bit for us divorced dads.  The core principles remain the same.  The link to the full article precedes and follows.

• Substance Abuse/Pornography
  Whether it's drinking, smoking, or pornography - if they're not good influences on your children, you don't need to be doing them.  Whatever you do your children will want to emulate.  Whatever you do will affect you in some way and will, in turn, affect your children.  These may be seen as coping mechanisms, something to get you through the frustrations or depression of when they're not with you, or any of a number of rationalizations, but the short story is that if you don't want your kids doing it or being affected by it, you don't need to be doing it.
• Financial Carelessness
  We divorced dads have tighter budgets than most.  We have child support, we may have alimony, we surely have court costs, and many times we have to buy everything for our house that the kids already have at her house - in addition to our own residence.  We have to be responsible with our finances.  We also do not need to complain about child support and/or alimony to our children, whether or not we think or know that some or all of it never makes it to them.  It also gets back to being a good example.  If we're careless with our money, how can we expect our children to be responsible with theirs?
• Disrespectful Abandonment
  It's one thing to take a golf day, or a fishing day or say late at work when your kids are with you every morning, every evening, and every weekend.  It's another thing to take days when we only see our children occasionally.  When you have your kids - you need to be with your kids.  Unless there is an emergency, you don't need to be getting a baby-sitter or leaving them with a family member for any lengthy period of time - particularly if it's habitual.  It's not good for the kids and their relationship with you, and it gives your ex valuable ammunition in any action that she may take against you or in any effort you may have towards her or custody.  When your kids are with you, you need to be with them.
• Foul/Mean Speech
  Once again, your children will want to be like you.  You are a powerful influence on them - for good or for bad.  Foul language, mean language, and especially derisive speech toward their mother, are all very negative influences on them.  Teach them decency, manners, politeness, consideration, and humility.  You can stand up for your children without tearing down their mother.  You can be a good dad even if you feel the courts are standing in your way.  How you speak will greatly affect how they see you, and how you influence them.
• Free and Easy Living
  This is a tricky one for us divorced dads, for much of the time we ARE able to live free and easy.  When we don't have our kids, we are essentially single adults and we can pretty much do what we want.  But we need to make sure that those behaviors don't become habitual.  When we have our kids, we need to provide them with structure and responsibility.  We need to make it as much of a home as possible, just like we would if we were married.  They need to have responsibilities at your house.  They need to be disciplined when needed at your house.  They need to have at least somewhat of a schedule (even though it's usually the weekends when we have them).  You need to show responsibility and self-discipline as well.  The habits they get into at your house can negatively impact your children at their mother's house.  You may not like her, and you may actually hate her, but don't put your kids in the middle by getting them used to rules - or lack of rules - that you know will create problems at their mother's house.

Remember, everything you do and say influences your children - and can do so even when they're not with you.  And anything you do and say can also be held against you in court.  Be mature, be decent, be polite, be responsible, be committed, and be the better person.

Original Article: 5 Activities Good Fathers Should Stop Doing