Control

As men, we like to be in control.  We do not like the feeling of things being beyond our control.  And divorce turns that upside down.  All of a sudden, we can't just see our kids.  We can only see them on certain days and at certain times.  If we want or need to change that or make any modification or addition, we have to ask.  And not just ask a judge, but ask the person who, in our eyes, may be seen as having taken those children away from us.  It's not easy.  It's downright frustrating and humbling.  But to be a good father, it's necessary.

But there are things we can control - and things we must control - if we're to be a good father.  Here are three areas we can exercise control.  It may not help things with our ex, but it won't hurt.  And it will certainly help us be a better dad to our kids.

Tongue

What we say matters.  And it's not just what we say to our kids or to their mom, it's what we say to others.  The more we say things to others, or even to ourselves, the more likely we are to say it around our children.  If it's good things - no problem.  If it's bad things - problem.  Probably especially after a divorce, our kids are watching and listening to us.  They pick up on every little thing and they learn from it.  They will learn how to deal with adversity by how we deal with it.  They will learn how to be considerate by listening to us.  Words that tear down their mom may have the affect of tearing down your kids.  Most importantly with children - once something is said, it can't be unsaid.  They will remember it and it will influence them for the better or for the worse.  Control your tongue.

Temper
This is big.  Divorce breeds conflict in many cases.  At times, that conflict happens in front of the kids when we're meeting their mom to exchange the kids or for some other event.  If you speak poorly of your ex to your friends or family, what are you likely to do or say when she becomes confrontational when the kids are around?  Again, your children will learn how to react to others based upon how they see you react.  If you lash out at their mother, you will see them lash out at others.  Whether you feel your anger is justified or not, it's seldom if ever appropriate for the children to see.  Control your temper.

Thoughts
This is the underlying element of it all.  How you think is how you will speak and how you will act.  If you think of how much you hate your ex or how poorly she's treated you, how will you end up responding to her?  How will you respond to your kids when they get to that age where they take sides or play one parent against the other?  This is the hardest thing to control, but it is the core of us being able to exercise control.

We see how important controlling thoughts is when we look at athletes or anyone who is involved in a precision activity.  Many athletes will visualize their event before they run it - whether it's hurdles, bobsled, skiing, or any other event.  They do this because they know their thoughts will impact their performance.  The US military's flight demonstration teams - the USAF Thunderbirds and the US Navy Blue Angels do the same before their high speed flight demonstrations.  The video below describes how they rehearse and visualize their act.  We need to focus on how we should behave, speak and reply with no less intensity because it's our children at stake.  We need to break down how we respond and react.  We need to learn to be in complete control of ourselves.  And we can't do that if we don't exercise control over our thoughts, first and foremost.



Don't try to control your ex - it's not going to happen.  Don't even try to control your kids.  That's not very likely either.  The only one you can really control is yourself, which will help you be a strong and positive influence on both, but particularly on your children - and that's what it's all about.  Be the better person and be a better dad.