Hero Parents

The recent riots in Baltimore created an unlikely hero, seen and praised by millions - the mom who was captured on TV rushing out into the streets to discipline her 16-year old son for participating in the violence of the day.  She's been hailed as a Hero Mom and typified as an example of what a parent should be.  While her actions were certainly important and worthy of praise, there's another aspect of parenting to consider - that of how we influence our children. Positively influencing our children will have significant impact on the future needs to control our children.

For us divorced fathers, this is vital.  Though we're not with our kids nearly as often as we'd like, they still watch us.  They observe how we behave whether we're with them or not. They listen to our words, they pick up on our emotions and feelings, and they will - to varying degrees - follow our example.  When they see us lash out at authority, we teach them to lash out at authority.  When they see us react with bitterness and spite to their mother or others, they learn to treat others with bitterness and spite.  And even when they see us passionately fight for our rights, however justified that may be, they may learn that their own rights are more important than those of others, since many are too young to understand the dynamics of divorce and custody.  In this case, they need to know that we're fighting for their well-being, more than we're fighting for our own rights.

Many chose to participate in the violence in Baltimore and elsewhere. Others did not and chose to participate in the rebuilding of their community rather than the destruction of their community.  What's the difference between those two groups?  Many things, for certain, but foremost among them are the examples they see in their parents.

Yes, this mom was certainly a hero for stepping out into the violence to parent her son.  But equally heroic are all the other unseen parents who, by the example they set, influenced their children to not only make a better choice, but to work to be a positive, rather than a negative, influence.  By this example we see the character of these parents through the actions and choices of their children. Our children are more than a physical reflection of us - they reflect our character as well.

Fighting for Your Children

As divorced fathers, particularly non-custodial ones, we quickly find ourselves without many of the rights and privileges related to our children that we had before.  Some of these are taken from us by the nature of divorce, some by our ex, and some by the courts.  As a result, there are many groups and initiatives that champion father's rights and encourage us to fight for those rights.  I've had to do my share of that since the divorce.  I've held my ex in contempt several times for not letting me see or talk to my kids, and for other efforts to interfere with the relationship between my children and me.

We need to be careful, however, when determining what we're fighting for.  We can easily get caught up in fighting for us - our rights, our reputation, our time - and not realize that our children are getting caught in the middle.  It's not that those things are not worthy of a fight, but what is the goal - to better things for ourselves, or to better things for our children?

In the fall of 1944, the United States was preparing the promised return to the Philippines, which had been lost in 1942 to the Japanese, and had a fleet set apart to protect the US invasion force.  Commanded by Admiral Bull Halsey, the goal was simple - protect the invasion force.  But Halsey was given another option as well - destroy the Japanese aircraft carriers if the opportunity presents itself.  Halsey opted to take his fleet aircraft carriers and heavy warships off to pursue the remaining Japanese carriers - a noble goal, and one that could certainly help the war effort.  But in doing so, he left the invasion force to be guarded by a secondary task force, called Taffy 3, comprised of slow, small escort carriers, destroyers and destroyer escorts.  When Halsey removed his task force from the Philippine islands, the Japanese moved their primary surface fleet into the void.  This fleet was significantly larger, stronger, faster, and more powerful than Taffy 3, which was now the only thing standing between the Japanese and the US invasion force.  Taffy 3, though heavily outmatched in every way, succeeded in turning away the Japanese attack in an heroic defense that has gone down in US naval history as one of its finest moments.  But in doing so, one ship was sunk, 23 aircraft were lost, almost 1600 men were killed or missing, and nearly 1000 were injured.   The Japanese carrier task force that Halsey pursued was a decoy.  They engaged in no combat. (Learn more - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_off_Samar)

Halsey may have been justified in pursuing what he thought were the Japanese carriers.  There was nothing wrong with that goal in itself.  But in pursuing that goal, he lost sight of his primary goal - protecting the invasion force.  Fortunately for him and for the US war effort, Taffy 3 filled the void, though at great cost in hardware and lives - a cost that was, quite arguably, entirely avoidable.

Our experience as fathers is similar.  We have lost many rights and privileges with our children - of this there is no doubt - and we want those things back.  But our primary job is to look out for the welfare of our children.  In the pursuit of our rights, our children can get caught in the crossfire.  They can be impacted in a variety of ways.  The first question we must ask ourselves when considering the fight for our rights as fathers is this - how will it impact our children?  What price will they pay?

We must choose our battles wisely.  The primary goal of a father is not to defend and stick up for ourselves - it is to defend and stick up for our children.  There are fights worth fighting - most definitely.  But others are less certain.

Be careful to not let other ambitions, goals, or desires detract from your primary goal - being a father and protecting your children.  The stakes are far higher for them than for us.  Choose wisely.