Quarterback Dad

That moment.  That moment that we first held our baby in our arms.  We made it.  We are fathers.  Dada, daddy, dad - those words bring the greatest joy to our hearts.  We come home to the rumble of little feet racing to meet us at the door, wrapping their arms around our legs, looking up with a giant smile on their face and exclaiming "Daddy!"  It's like we've become the quarterback of a championship football team.

That other moment.  That moment we go to bed alone and wake up alone.  We come home to silence - no rumble of feet, no arms wrapping around our legs, no smiles and no shouts of "Daddy!"  Our role as father has been reduced to a part-time status.  We're still their father, but only two weekends and maybe a couple of weeknights per month.  In that one moment, we went from starting quarterback to being benched.

For many of us, it feels as though we're no longer a father.  We know we're still their dad, and they know we're still their daddy, but it's not the same.  We're no longer there when they get home from school, when they go to bed, and when they wake up.  We have to schedule when we see them.  We feel devalued, insignificant, and deprived of the opportunity to be a father.

But there is something similar, and there is hope that we can still be fathers and have a positive and lasting impact on our children.  We can draw encouragement and perhaps inspiration from those who have become the backup quarterback.

No football player aspires to be a backup.  In the college and professional levels, every backup was once a starter somewhere.  But backup quarterbacks are necessary.  While they may no longer be the starter - they may not see many snaps in a game or as many reps in practice - they are still a quarterback.  They are still expected to be able to do their job when called upon.

NFL.com recently posted an article called "QB2: - The Most Important Position Nobody Wants."  Being a non-custodial dad is not too different - it's the most important role nobody wants.  The key word in both statements? Important.

The responsibilities of being a backup quarterback are the same as those of the starter.  He goes to the same meetings, participates in the same drills and shares the same goals.  While he may not play every game, the backup must always be prepared to make a difference.  His mentality must be the same as that of the starter.  Matt Flynn, the current backup to Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers, said "there's no different approach to my game.... I haven't thought about coming to grips with, 'OK, I'm a career backup.' I don't think I'll ever look at it like that."  They must have the outlook and attitude that they are important and expect to make a difference for their team.

Josh McCown is currently the starter for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but last year he was the backup for Jake Cutler of the Chicago Bears.  "Just stepping back and having gone through things I'd gone through, in and out of the league, to value every day, value every opportunity to come to work, to bring value to the team, no matter your circumstances," McCown reflected, "For me, it was realizing there is more self-fulfillment in that; I got more peace from doing that than to go to work every day thinking, 'I've got to do this, I've got to do this well, so I can become a starter.' The backup has to really embrace that."

That quote is easily applied to non-custodial dads.  We should value every day and every opportunity to be with our children, to bring value to their lives no matter the circumstances or frequency.  We need to be involved and embrace the thought that there is self-fulfillment in being a dad, however limited. We need to embrace it not because it's what we wanted, but because it's where we are and it's who we are.

Charlie Whitehurst, backup quarterback with the Tennessee Titans, explained that "Everybody wants to be a starter -- myself, I definitely feel that. When you have a taste of it, you start to think, I wish I had done this.  You try to think like you're the starter all the time. If you start worrying about, Where am I in my career? you can confuse the issue for yourself.  The way I do it, it's one day at a time, get yourself as good as you can today and then focus on tomorrow. I always say in the locker room to myself, I'm playing the second snap of the game.  It may not be the most rewarding thing, to be prepared, and then the starter goes in and wins, and it looks like all the work was in vain. It wasn't. You were ready to play. As you get older, you appreciate being prepared, even if it doesn't pay off that week."

Being a non-custodial father is no different.  We all want to be there for our kids every day.  We've done it, we enjoyed it, and we want it again.  But we can't dwell on what we don't have.  We have to think like we're the father - because we are, regardless of how infrequently we see our children.  It's not the most rewarding thing to go weeks without seeing our kids, but what we do is not in vain.  We can make a difference, and we do make a difference.  As our kids get older,  we will see that and they will too.

Whitehurst quotes one of his coaches as saying, "Don't ever think of yourself as a backup quarterback....  You have to view yourself as the starting quarterback all the time. You need to work like you're the starter."

Don't ever think of yourself as a non-custodial or part-time father.  You are a father.  You are always their father, whether they're with you or not.

There are stories upon stories of backup quarterbacks winning the big games or keeping their teams in the championship race.  There are also stories of backups who weren't able to get the job done, at the expense of their team.  There are non-custodial fathers who have a big role in their children's lives and who make a difference.  And there are those that do not.

We, however, are backups to no one.  We are and will always be fathers.  Be the father who is always prepared to make a difference.  Be the father who considers himself no less important than the other parent.  Be the father who steps up when needed and who can be counted on to do his best for his kids.  Know that you CAN make a difference.  Make the most of every opportunity, however infrequent.  Be there and be the father your kids want and need.  It will pay off.  It will be worth it.  It is important.

Child Support

Two words that most divorced fathers dislike to varying degrees - child support.  It's not that we don't want to support our children as much as it seems like the courts think our money is more important than our involvement.  My divorce agreement requires me to pay a certain amount of child support twice a month, pay for their insurance, and pay for a certain percentage of medical bills.  It doesn't require me to spend any quality time with them, to teach them anything, to go to any school or church functions, to communicate with them on any regular basis, etc.  Child support is far more than just money and health care.

Being a father is equally both a privilege and a responsibility.  We are responsible for supporting our children financially.  Not because the courts tell us to - but because it's part of being a parent.  I chose to list this first not because money is the most important thing, but because setting a good example for our children is among the most important things we can do.  Many divorced dads refuse to pay child support for a variety of reasons - they don't trust their ex with it, they don't think it's fair, they don't think they can afford it, etc.  However valid or justified any of those concerns are, the thing about responsibilities is they are not excused by circumstances, opinion or anything else.  If any of those are legitimate and do apply, the answer is not to unilaterally change or ignore the rules.  The answer is to go through the system and do the best you can within the law.  It's not the ideal option, but it's the correct option, and sets the right example for our children.

Failure to meet our responsibilities carries consequences.  The difference, however, is that the consequences for the failure to pay child support fall most heavily on your children.  It also opens the door for your ex to say that you don't care and are negligent.  Be the best parent you can be.  Show your children that responsibilities are not conditional.  Set the example for your children and don't leave the door open for criticism.  Being a good father means accepting and meeting your responsibilities because it teaches our kids to do the same.

Child support, however, is far more than just money.  While children certainly need financial support, whether the parents are divorced or married, they need emotional support.  They need you to be there.  As fathers we often see ourselves as providers - and the courts see it that way, too.  But what many forget, and the courts rarely acknowledge, is that fathers need to provide their children with emotional support as well.  It's no secret that men and women see things differently.  We respond differently.  We cope differently.  Children need that balance.  We have experiences from which our children can learn.  They need our hugs, our smiles and our laughter.  They need their father.

Meet your responsibilities.  Pay your child support.  If you must contest it, do so within the system - however screwed up you may think it is.  Ignoring your responsibilities or ignoring the system is teaching your children that responsibilities and law are not important and they will follow that example.  Or you can bite the bullet, write the check, and show your kids that doing the right thing is important - even if you don't like it, don't agree with it, or struggle with it.  "Right" is not conditional.

Don't just write a check.  I'd venture to say that most good and reasonable parents would rather have an involved parent who simply can't provide much financial support than a parent who provides much financial support but isn't involved.  Be there for your children.  Give them emotional support, give them your time and attention, give them your love.  Anybody can write a check - and money is important.  But not just anyone can be a father.   Fathers are created when a child is born.  You can accept that responsibility or deny it, but you are still a father and you are still responsible for your children.  How you approach that responsibility will teach your children how they are to accept responsibility themselves.  Give them the best example possible.