Thanks for What?

It's that time of year again - the holidays.  For most of us divorced parents, at the time of year when everyone is talking about family, we're without.  While it's difficult not having a partner during the holidays, it's particularly difficult if and when we don't have our children.  It's easy to get overwhelmed by all the things we don't have and the things for which we're not thankful.  Divorce has a way of making us all see the glass as half empty.  We've lost a lot - materially, physically, and emotionally.  But we need to learn to focus on what we have.

First and foremost, we have our children. We often get bogged down by all the conditions that surround our relationship with our children - limited days for limited times and with limited rights.  But the bottom line is we HAVE children.  We ARE fathers.  Things can interfere with that and limit our time, limit our rights, make things difficult, etc - but nothing can or will ever change the fact that we had a part in creating new life or perhaps adopting a child.  Yes, divorce makes it very difficult, frustrating, and at times depressing.  But we have our children.  How much do you enjoy seeing their smile?  How much do you enjoy peeking in on them while they sleep?  How much pride do you have when the teacher tells you how well they're doing or knowing they do well in a sport or activity?  Our children our something for which we should always be thankful and never take for granted even if the circumstances are difficult or our time is limited.

Second, we have an opportunity to shape a life and leave a legacy.  Many men put their time and energy into work, fitness, sports, games, or casual relationships.  Not that any of those are necessarily bad, but all are ultimately fleeting.  None of it lasts for long.  With whatever time you have with your children, be the best  parent you can be.  With the time you're not with your children, be the best man you can be.  Give them a role model.  We have the opportunity to shape a young man or woman, a future husband or wife, father or mother, and so on.  And while our direct time with them may be limited, it's still time, and we need to be thankful for it and make the most of it.

Last, focus on your children this season.  Many times I've tried to craft the "perfect moment" with them and found myself frustrated when I didn't meet my own high expectations.  What I didn't realize at the time was that my children didn't know what my expectations were.  Children, particularly younger children, are simple.  They want time with their dad.  Give them that time. The moments don't have to be grand or formal.  They just have to be with your children.  Memories will always outlast material things.

Doing or recognizing these things don't solve all the problems of the holidays.  They actually don't change anything about our circumstances.  But they can change a lot about us and our perspective.  We may not have a lot of "things" for which to be thankful when measured in quantity.  But our thankfulness for our children, the opportunity we have to shape those lives, and the chance to create memories - those are immeasurable.

Enjoy this coming holiday season for what you have, not longing for what you wish.  In doing so you'll teach thankfulness, contentment and character to your children and give them something that money can never buy - an involved and loving father.  Happy Thanksgiving!

The Measure of a Man

Recently I had my 45th birthday.  It seems the older we get, the more reflective we become.  At some point, it's not so much our age that gets us as it is looking at where we are in life at this point and how we measure ourselves as a man.  I know I am at a place I never anticipated being and never wanted.  No one wants to be divorced and living without their children, reduced to seeing them only a few days out of most months, and missing out on so much of their lives.  As a result, many of us divorced fathers look to other things to validate ourselves.

Some look to their career - their position within the company, how much money they make, how much seniority they have.  Some turn to conquests - how many women they can date or bed, or how many relationships they can have.  Some turn to playing - video games, sports, travel, or other activities.  We want to be able to look at our lives and see tangible and immediate results.  We want to feel accomplished and successful.  We want to make our mark and make the most out of whatever opportunities we have.

All of these things are fleeting, however.  Jobs ultimately end.  Someone else will eventually be more successful, another will have the position we once had, and the money will soon be spent.  Conquests are short-lived and empty.  The women come and go and while it may make you feel accomplished, it  accomplishes nothing of lasting value.  Games and sports will end.  Our strength will dissipate, coordination will fade, our skills slip, our bodies weaken.  While all of it can feel fulfilling in the short term, it will ultimately all be forgotten.

Yet somehow we miss the obvious - we're fathers.  True, we don't see our kids as much as we'd like and we miss out on much of their lives.  But as fathers, we have the opportunity to leave a legacy, not just to build a reputation.  Reputations are soon forgotten.  Legacies live on.  Our children will one day be someone's boyfriend or girlfriend, someone's husband or wife, someone's father or mother, someone's employee, an employer, a student, a teacher, etc.  We have the opportunity to help shape a life - one that will interact with thousands of other lives during their lifetime and one that will impact thousands more in one way or another.

While we don't get to see them as often as we'd like, we are still fathers.  We still have an influence on our children.  We can still teach them, lead them, and set an example for them so that they can be healthy, productive people as they grow.  A lessened opportunity is not the same as no opportunity.  It just means we have to be more deliberate with the opportunities we have.  We can teach our sons what it means to be a responsible and selfless man.  We can teach our daughters how a gentleman should treat a woman and give them the love and security they long for.  We may not have as many opportunities as we'd like, but we all have opportunities of some kind or another.  Don't let them pass you by.

This year, as I turn 45, while I do think about my career, my divorce, and other things, I am content and happy with my role as a father.  I'm not perfect, but I'm trying.  My kids are doing very well in school and in life and I am extremely proud of both of them.  I am a blessed man.  All of us who have someone calling us "dad" or "daddy" are blessed.  Be there for them, teach them and lead them.  Through our children, we can leave a legacy that will live on in them and in everyone they touch.  There is no greater measure of a man.  Nothing else can top that. 

The Pursuit of Happiness

"I deserve to be happy."  I hear that a lot these days - especially as a divorced parent.  We're advised to take care of ourselves and do what makes us happy.  There's a lot of good in that advice, but there can be some bad, too.  With the exception of mental health issues and violence, it's likely the majority of us are divorced because our ex (and perhaps us as well) decided to do what made them happy - affairs, drugs, alcohol, excessive spending, irresponsible behavior, general selfishness, etc. 

That advice can be problematic because it's not just us anymore.  We have kids.  It's probably a fair bet that there are many very happy parents out there (divorced or married) who have very unhappy kids.  Once we become a parent, we're responsible for them.  We are responsible for who they will become. Yes, we should take care of ourselves - physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  But never at the expense of our children. Our first responsibility is still to them.  That's what parents do. Part of being a parent is sacrifice.  We give up part of our freedom and independence when we become a parent.  But that's a good thing.  That time, money and energy is spent on raising a child.  It's spent on growing that now-little or young person into the man or woman that will eventually become someone's husband or wife, father or mother.  It's a privilege.

We do very much need to take care of ourselves - but it's easy to go to the extreme with our kids and neglect our own well-being, and we should be very attentive to how it impacts our children.  The pursuit of our own happiness can easily lead to our children's unhappiness.

Another thought along these same lines but from a different perspective - if we deserve the right to be happy, doesn't everyone - including our ex?  Did they not deserve that same right when we were married?  I know that may be an extreme example, but the point is that there is a line at which one person's pursuit of happiness comes at the expense of others - spouse, partner, children, etc.

The bottom-line is that there's more to life than the pursuit of our own happiness.  There is raising happy, healthy kids.  There is being a responsible parent.  There is making wise decisions that benefit our children, even if it's at our own expense. Those things can bring their own level of happiness.  Take care of yourself, yes.  Enjoy yourself.  But don't do it at the expense of your children.  Nothing is worth that.

There is no greater happiness a man can know than being a father to his children.  That's the happiness we should pursue - our children.