If It Makes You Happy

There's an old song by Sheryl Crow where the chorus goes "If it makes you happy - it can't be that bad."  It's a catchy little tune, but it's very much not true.  If you ask any divorced person - male or female - almost every one would tell you that they're divorced because their spouse basically did whatever made them happy.  This is one of the most destructive lies we can buy into.

I'm going to reference some Biblical principles, but they still hold true even if you're not a Christian, are of another religion, or even if you're an atheist.  Some principles are just universal, even if you don't acknowledge the first point (though I'd be remiss to say that committing to the first point makes the other two fall into place more easily).  So if we don't shoot for doing what makes us happy, what do we do?

1. Do what brings God glory.  Do what puts the focus on Him, not on yourself.  Do what furthers His kingdom, not your own kingdom.  And a big part of it is something we can all agree on no matter religion or outlook, and that's the next point.
2. Look out for others.  Put others before you.  Particularly when it comes to your family.  If at work,  does it benefit your coworkers and/or the company - or just you?  At play, does it benefit your team and teammates - or just you?  And at home, does it benefit your family/children - or just you?
3. Take care of yourself.  Keep yourself in good health.  If you're a Christian - strengthen your relationship with God.  If you're not - strengthen your understanding of who you are.  Make yourself stronger - physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  Eat well.  Get some exercise.  Read a book.  Learn something new.  If you need counseling - get it.  If you have an addiction - give it up.  If you need help with that - get it.  If you need support - reach out for it.  If you don't know what to do - ask someone.

Almost every divorce begins with selfishness - pursuing what makes self happy without regard for others.  It's against our nature.  But to be a better father, we have to learn to put ourselves lower on the priority list.  If nothing else, our children - and our family, if still married - come first.  Period.  Getting back at the ex may feel good, but it's not good for the kids.  Getting a babysitter for the kids on the weekend you have them so you can have a date may feel good.  But to the kids, you're putting someone before them.  You're neglecting them.  Opting out of disciplining the kids on your few days together will certainly keep things happy.  But it's not good for the kids.  They need discipline - it's your responsibility as a father.  Telling your kids "not now" while you're watching "the game" or your favorite TV show tells them that there is something more important to you than them.  Turning it off and spending time with them tells them that they are the most important - especially if they know your love for your team.

Doing what makes you happy may have gotten you in to this situation.  Or maybe it was your spouse doing so.  Or perhaps it was both of you.  Doing what makes you happy can be that bad.  It can be very bad.  Keep your priorities in line and it will fall in to place.

7 Things a Son Needs from His Father

This is from a post on AllProDad.com, but I tailored it a bit for us divorced dads.

1. He needs you to respect his mother
   This is the hardest, but perhaps the most important, element for us divorced dads.  Some divorced couples are amicable, and some are downright hostile.  Many fall in between.  But regardless of your feelings toward your ex, or hers toward you, she is and will always be his mother.  You need to respect that.  Encourage him to obey and respect her.  Build her up as his mother.  How you treat his mother can impact how he treats women as he grows.  How you conduct this relationship can impact how he learns to conduct his own relationships.  He already knows you no longer love each other - you're divorced after all.  But he needs to see respect and to learn that from you.
2. He needs to see you fail - not just succeed
   Face it - we're divorced.  So in varying ways we have all failed.  We may have cheated, had addiction issues, had mental struggles such as depression, or had anger issues.  But even if we didn't have those things and our ex was the primary transgressor, marriage is still a two-way street and no spouse is ever without responsibility.  Man up with your son.  Let him know how you failed (with the appropriate details at the appropriate age).  Let him learn from your mistakes.  Let him see how a man handles responsibility, failure and success.  Don't be afraid to admit your shortcomings or your past.  Set the example on humility, responsibility, and maturity.
3. He needs your leadership
   This may seem easy when you're divorced.  You're obviously no longer the leader of the joint home with his mother.  But you're still his father.  Be his father, not just his playmate or best buddy.  Teach him - don't just entertain him.  He will learn from you.  Want to raise a leader?  Show him leadership.
4. He needs you to be present
   Well, we can't always do that.  But when you can be there - be there.  When you can't be there - call, text, Email, Skype - do whatever you can.  Ask him about his events and activities.  Show up even if you can't spend any time with him.  He needs to know you care - so you need to be there.
5. He needs your love regardless of his choices
   Give him options and opportunities and let him find his own way.  When he finds something he likes, encourage it - even if it was his mom's idea.  Even if he doesn't like the things you like and he prefers the things his mom likes.  You're not here to raise a little you.  You're here to raise a unique little individual.  Encourage him.  Love him.  Period.
6. He needs you to affirm him
   Children of divorce are particularly susceptible to self-doubts and feelings of inadequacy.  There has been a lot that has happened that they don't understand.  Tell him every chance you get that you love him.  Tell him that he's good at what he's doing.  Encourage him.  Don't obsess with what your ex may be telling him about you.  You can't control her - you can only control you.  Be a loving, affirming, encouraging dad.
7. He needs you to discipline him in love
   When you only have your son for a weekend, it's difficult to enforce discipline.  For example, you've been planning a trip to the waterpark, he does something disobedient, and you threaten him that if he does it again you won't go to the waterpark.  Then he does it again.  You must be consistent.  You have to provide discipline.  As much as it stinks for both of you in your limited time together, you need to provide consistent discipline.  A common misconception is that discipline should hurt.  That's not the case.  Discipline should teach.  There are consequences to actions, and he needs to understand that.  You need to teach him how to make the right decisions and that there are consequences to bad decisions.  Do not lash out in anger.  It's hard when we don't have a spouse to take over when we get frustrated or aggravated.  If you need to, step a way for a moment, compose yourself, and then address the issue.  Discipline him in love, not in anger.

The original article can be found here at AllProDad.com.

Control

As men, we like to be in control.  We do not like the feeling of things being beyond our control.  And divorce turns that upside down.  All of a sudden, we can't just see our kids.  We can only see them on certain days and at certain times.  If we want or need to change that or make any modification or addition, we have to ask.  And not just ask a judge, but ask the person who, in our eyes, may be seen as having taken those children away from us.  It's not easy.  It's downright frustrating and humbling.  But to be a good father, it's necessary.

But there are things we can control - and things we must control - if we're to be a good father.  Here are three areas we can exercise control.  It may not help things with our ex, but it won't hurt.  And it will certainly help us be a better dad to our kids.

Tongue

What we say matters.  And it's not just what we say to our kids or to their mom, it's what we say to others.  The more we say things to others, or even to ourselves, the more likely we are to say it around our children.  If it's good things - no problem.  If it's bad things - problem.  Probably especially after a divorce, our kids are watching and listening to us.  They pick up on every little thing and they learn from it.  They will learn how to deal with adversity by how we deal with it.  They will learn how to be considerate by listening to us.  Words that tear down their mom may have the affect of tearing down your kids.  Most importantly with children - once something is said, it can't be unsaid.  They will remember it and it will influence them for the better or for the worse.  Control your tongue.

Temper
This is big.  Divorce breeds conflict in many cases.  At times, that conflict happens in front of the kids when we're meeting their mom to exchange the kids or for some other event.  If you speak poorly of your ex to your friends or family, what are you likely to do or say when she becomes confrontational when the kids are around?  Again, your children will learn how to react to others based upon how they see you react.  If you lash out at their mother, you will see them lash out at others.  Whether you feel your anger is justified or not, it's seldom if ever appropriate for the children to see.  Control your temper.

Thoughts
This is the underlying element of it all.  How you think is how you will speak and how you will act.  If you think of how much you hate your ex or how poorly she's treated you, how will you end up responding to her?  How will you respond to your kids when they get to that age where they take sides or play one parent against the other?  This is the hardest thing to control, but it is the core of us being able to exercise control.

We see how important controlling thoughts is when we look at athletes or anyone who is involved in a precision activity.  Many athletes will visualize their event before they run it - whether it's hurdles, bobsled, skiing, or any other event.  They do this because they know their thoughts will impact their performance.  The US military's flight demonstration teams - the USAF Thunderbirds and the US Navy Blue Angels do the same before their high speed flight demonstrations.  The video below describes how they rehearse and visualize their act.  We need to focus on how we should behave, speak and reply with no less intensity because it's our children at stake.  We need to break down how we respond and react.  We need to learn to be in complete control of ourselves.  And we can't do that if we don't exercise control over our thoughts, first and foremost.



Don't try to control your ex - it's not going to happen.  Don't even try to control your kids.  That's not very likely either.  The only one you can really control is yourself, which will help you be a strong and positive influence on both, but particularly on your children - and that's what it's all about.  Be the better person and be a better dad.