Father's Day for Divorced Dads

One of the nice things about Father's Day for most of us divorced dads is that we are usually guaranteed to see our kids for at least part of that weekend.  It should be a special time, but it can be awkward if the relationship with their mother is strained and the children - particularly young children - have not been given any help in recognizing us in any way.  From the children's perspective, Father's Day should be about recognizing and thanking you as a father.  But from your perspective, it should be about you showing how much you love and appreciate them as your children.  Here are some ideas on how to do these things and make it a special Father's Day for both you and your kids.

Gifts and Cards
There are several options, depending upon the age of your kids.  Here are some that I've done and that may spur some ideas for you:

• Blind Shopping
  This is easy and was the first time I helped them get me something for Father's Day.  They wanted to get me something, but were both still in single digits at the time, so I just took them to a store where they had an ample supply of greeting cards and let them pick.  They took the cards to the counter, all the while hiding the card in the envelope so I couldn't see it. I explained to the clerk what we were doing, they rang up the cards and gave me the total.  This was maybe 4 years ago and these cards are still my favorites and still sit on my mantle with other cards they have given me.
• Budgeted Shopping
  Two years ago, my kids expressed that they wanted to get me something.  They explained that mommy had gotten presents for them to give me but had forgotten to send the presents with them, and they were crushed to tears.  I gave them a budget ($40) and said that you can each spend $20 or both spend $40, but that was what they had to work with.  I took them to the store and shadowed them from a distance to make sure they weren't cutting up, but when I spoke to employees that had spoken to them found that they were being very responsible and very thoughtful in their gift selection.  They also learned the value of a dollar - the first gift they wanted to get me was a regular iPad.  When they found out how expensive that was they tried a digital camera, and so on, until they found out what you can actually get for $20 or $40. Once again, they surprised me with wonderfully thoughtful and special gifts that I value and use to this day.

• Creative Expression
  Set aside some time for the kids to make you a card or perhaps even a gift, depending upon the resources available and their age.  Kids can be wonderfully honest and sweet when they make things themselves and while the monetary value may be nothing, the sentimental value of such gifts can be priceless.
• Photographs/Digital Gifts
  If the kids are older, they can order photo gifts online with a budget.  They could also use an app on a phone or tablet to make and/or edit an image that they could simply send to you or perhaps purchase for you.  They could also make a short video, sing a song, or numerous other things that today's technology allows.

Honoring Your Kids

For us divorced dads, the gift in our situation is not getting a day to ourselves, but getting a day with our children.  Show them how special they are.  Take them on a weekend trip, out for ice cream, to the park, to a movie, etc.  Do something to show them how much you love them and where you can spend quality time together.  I've been fortunate to have access to a beach house that we'll go to this year for Father's Day weekend and that we went to last year as well.  It was a lot of work for a single dad with two children, but it was a wonderfully special time for all of us and a great set of memories built for them.  On Father's Day Sunday, it was particularly nice to hear people wish me a Happy Father's Day when I was out with my kids.

Other options, taken from the suggestions above, are to print out or edit a picture of you with them and have that framed for your house or apartment.  Do something to recognize you and them as family - something that will always be there as a reminder of that relationship.

Worst Case Scenario
In a worst case scenario where you do not, for whatever reason, see them on Father's Day, there are other options.  You can Skype or FaceTime with them.  You can also recognize Father's Day on another day.  If there is anything you can do - no matter how small or insignificant it may seem - do it.  But whatever you do, don't malign their mother even if the situation is of her doing.  It does no one any good, is particularly harmful to the kids, and reflects poorly upon you.

Don't depend on their mother to help them recognize you.  Maybe she will, maybe she won't.  Help the kids recognize you, and do something to recognize them, and this could be the best Father's Day weekend you and they have ever had.

Easter - Celebrating after the Fact

One of the many downsides of divorce is not seeing your children on special holidays, like this past Easter.  The typical arrangement most of us have, with every other year being our year with the child(ren), means simply that we miss being with them on half of these holidays.

The upside of this is that it opens the door to discounted gifts and a creative time together to celebrate the holiday.  With Easter having already passed, but me planning to celebrate it with my children this coming weekend, I can get pretty much any Easter candy or gifts that I want at a deeply discounted rate.  That's not too bad.

The harder part is that we simply cannot do the bigger Easter events, like community or church egg hunts and such.  But with a little creativity, it can still be a fun time for you and your children.  And the fact that it will just be you and your children has the opportunity for it to be a more intimate time as well, which is always good.

I don't pretend to have the market cornered on late-Easter options, but here are some things I've done in the past and plan to do this year, or have thought to do:

• Glow in the dark eggs - these were fun.  I found some glow-sticks/straws at Hobby Lobby, curled them up and put them in the pastel colored plastic eggs along with some candy.  I had to tape the eggs shut so the coiled up glow-straw wouldn't pop them open, but other than that, that was a fun Easter egg hunt.
• Egg clue hunt - I bought each of my children a stuffed animal and will hide it.  Then I'll hide the eggs with clues inside on where to find the next egg.  At the end of the hunt, they'll find their toy.
• Indoor egg hunt - good for a rainy day.  Same as an outdoor egg hunt, but if you live in an apartment complex or an area where you worry about other children taking the eggs, this is a good alternative.  Simply hide the eggs around the house and let them search.
• Egg Dying - get some clearance egg-dying kits and dye some eggs.  The possibility that you don't know what you're doing any better than they do can make it unusually fun!
• Petting Zoos - if there is a nearby petting zoo, or you have friends with a farm, few things feel more like Easter to a little child than interacting with a baby animal.  It makes for great Easter pictures for the family, too.
• Easter Basket - at the very least, you can do this.  There should be plenty on deep discount after Easter and that are already put together.  Or you can put together your own.  You can even borrow the basket and "grass" from a friend who will have already celebrated Easter.
• With siblings (I have a son and a daughter) it can be competitive, so I usually designate one area for him and one for her, or one color for him and one for her, so they're each guaranteed the same number of eggs and there's no heated competition.

Missing the actual holiday doesn't mean you still can't celebrate with your children.  Maybe you have other divorced parent friends who have their kids the same weekend and you can do something together with them and their children.  There are many options.  You just have to be creative.  If you doubt your creative abilities, head to Hobby Lobby or some place like that which will have seasonal items and take a look around.  Seeing things often helps me come up with ideas.  It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you do something.

Don't let the fact that you missed Easter mean you can't still celebrate with your kids. Don't let the fact that you miss any holiday or special event mean that you still can't celebrate.  The important thing is not the calendar-day that they celebrate with you, but only that they do celebrate with you.