Children of Divorce

When I speak to people who are getting a divorce I often hear the same thing - "Kids are resilient.  They'll be fine."  This could be one of the greatest and most dangerous myths of divorce.  Yes, kids are resilient, but that doesn't mean they don't get hurt.  The effect of divorce on children is like a car wreck - it's not a question of if they will get hurt; it's a question of how badly they will get hurt, and a lot of that is up to us as parents and fathers.

A pastor of mine once gave this illustration:  Marriage is like taking two sheets of paper - one red, one blue - and pasting them together.  Divorce is the effort to separate these two sheets of paper.  The result is that there will be blue stuck to the red, and red stuck to the blue, and holes left in both.  I will add to this illustration that children are like a 3rd sheet of paper than is glued in between the red and the blue.  Imagine what would happen to that sheet when the red and blue are pulled apart.  That is what divorce can do to a child.

Minimizing the Impact
An article posted in 2009 on Parenting 24/7 identifies key variables that impact children of divorce.  The encouraging thing for us divorced parents is that the behavioral and psychological difference between the two sets of children (divorced vs married parents) is not significant, so our children's future is not dictated solely by the divorce.  The divorce, however, usually serves to aggravate and accentuate the variables that impact them the most.  Below are the three elements most under our control:

1. Poor Parental Adjustment: How both parents handle the divorce is completely within their control.  We need to be aware that divorce can create instability and struggles.  There's no shame in seeing a counselor or psychologist.  If we want the best for our children, we need to seek the best for ourselves - emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, physically - even if that requires a heavy dose of humility.  We are not the same after a divorce - we shouldn't attempt to act otherwise.
2. Lack of Parental Competence: A divorce creates new and different responsibilities for parents.  We have to learn to manage these responsibilities ourselves, whether we're the custodial parent or not.  There are no excuses.  Co-parenting is ideal, but it is not something upon which everyone can rely.  When our children are with us, we are the parent.  Be the best parent you can be and foster a strong, loving relationship with your children.
3. Exposure to Conflict between Parents: This is the big one.  Many parents fight, whether married or divorced.  But a divorce can take conflict to a whole new, never before imagined level - IF we let it.  We can't control the other parent, but we can - and must - control ourselves.  It should not be about winning the argument - it should be about setting the best example.  Our children will learn how to handle conflict by watching how we handle it.  They will learn how to treat the opposite sex by seeing how we do it.  To a child, they are defined by their parents in many ways.  To rip into the other parent in front of that child is essentially the same as ripping directly in to that child.  The Parenting 24/7 article states, "Generally, it has been found that children in high conflict families (either intact or divorced) fare worse than children in low conflict families. Some studies have found that children in non-conflictual single parent families are doing better than children in conflictual two-parent families.... Children in those families that can cooperate and reduce conflict are faring better."  Set the example for your children.  Set the tone with your ex.  You can't control how they will behave or react, but you can make things better or worse by how you choose to react.  Be the better person.

Expressions of Divorce
When my son was six, he stated his feelings clearly and candidly one day on the drive to my house from his mom's.  "When I'm at mommy's I don't want to go see daddy," he said.  "When I'm at daddy's I don't want to go see mommy."  Even when his mom remarried he still spoke of wishing for me, his mother, and even his step-father to live together as a family.  When he was seven, I asked him to name one thing he'd like for Christmas that year if he could only have one thing, and he said he wanted mommy and daddy to get back together. 

Not all children are this open.  Children want their parents - even if the parents don't want each other. Your child does not likely care what their mother did or didn't do.  They do not care what you did or didn't do.  They do not care about how you feel about each other.  They don't care what the argument is about or who wins.  They only care about their mother and their father because those two together are the point around which their world revolves.  They need you both to be there for them and they need you both to be civil for them.  If the other parent neglects those responsibilities, then your responsibility to meet those needs of theirs becomes that much greater.

Many children aren't able to fully express their feelings about divorce until they are adults.  One of the most common ways they express this is in writing and/or music.  Below are lyrics and video clips for some songs that express how divorce can make a child feel and what it means when a man fails to be a father.  Both the videos and the lyrics for these are particularly powerful.

Stay Together for the Kids, Blink-182
This was written by one of the band's members (Tom DeLonge) about his parent's divorce when he was eighteen.  The other band member who shares lead on this song, Mark Hoppus, saw his parents divorce when he was in 3rd grade.  "Is this a damaged generation?" he asks.  "I'd say so." (source)

It's hard to wake up when the shades have been pulled shut.
This house is haunted, it's so pathetic - it makes no sense at all.

I'm ripe with things to say.  The words rot and fall away.
If a stupid poem could fix this home I'd read it every day.

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time, you gave it all away
It was mine, so when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost
It's not right

Their anger hurts my ears.  Been runnin' strong for seven years.
Rather then fix the problems they never solve them - it makes no sense at all.

I see them everyday.  We get along so why can't they?
If this is what he wants and it's what she wants, then why's there so much pain?
 

Father of Mine, Everclear
Written by Art Alexakis whose father left him at an early age, forcing his mother to move to a housing project where he was sexually abused.  When he was 12, his brother died of a heroin overdose.  He has been married four times.  Children need and want their father to be in their lives.  You don't have to be perfect - but you do have to be present.

Father of mine, tell me where have you been?
You know I just closed by eyes and my whole world disappeared.
Father of mine, take me back to the day,
Yeah, when I was still your golden boy, back before you went away.

I remember blue skies, walking the block.
I loved it when you held me high.  I loved to hear you talk.
You would take me to the movie.  You would take me to the beach.
You would take me to a place inside that's so hard to reach.

Father of mine, tell me where did you go?
Yeah, you had the world inside your hand, but you did not seem to know.
Father of mine, tell me what do you see?
When you look back at your wasted life and you don't see me.

I was ten years old, doin' all that I could.
It wasn't easy for me to be a scared white boy in a black neighborhood.
Sometimes you would send me a birthday card with a five dollar bill.
I never understood you then and I guess I never will.

My daddy gave me a name (then he walked away)

Father of mine, tell me where have you been?
Yeah, I just closed by eyes and the world disappeared.
Father of mine, tell me how do you sleep,
With the children you abandoned and the wife I saw you beat?

I will never be safe.  I will never be sane.
I will always be weird inside.  I will always be lame.
Now I am a grown man with a child of my own,
And I swear, I'll never let her know all the pain I have known.

Wonderful, Everclear
Don't pretend with your children that nothing has changed.  Be as honest with them as their age and maturity will permit (without getting in to details).  They are listening to every word we say and watching everything we do.  They're not stupid.  They're scared and they need our love and our support - not our excuses and our denials.

I close my eyes when I get too sad.  I think thoughts that I know are bad.

I close my eyes and I count to ten. I hope it's over when I open them.
I want the things that I had before, like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door.
I wish I could count to ten - make everything be wonderful again.

I hope my mom and I hope my dad will figure out why they get so mad.
I hear them scream.  I hear them fight.  They say bad words that make me wanna cry.
I close my eyes when I go to bed and I dream of angels who make me smile.
I feel better when I hear them say everything will be wonderful someday.

Promises mean everything when you're little and the world's so big.
I just don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes
And tell me everything is wonderful now.

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now.

I go to school and I run and play.  I tell the kids that it's all okay.
I laugh out loud so my friends won't know that when the bell rings I just don't wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes. I make believe that I have a new life.
I don't believe you when you say everything will be wonderful someday.

I don't wanna hear you say that I will understand someday!
I don't wanna hear you say you both have grown in a different way!

I don't wanna meet your friends and I don't wanna start over again!
I just want my life to be the same, just like it used to be.
Some days I hate everything - I hate everything - everyone and everything!
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now.