Fight for Your Children

In general, we men are fighters.  We're fixers.  We see a problem, we fix it.  We have a struggle, we fight through it.  But divorce is different.  We can't fix it.  We can't fight it - especially not literally.  In many cases we lose our kids, we lose a great deal of our money, we lose a measure of pride, and the losses may continue in other areas.  For those of us who try to be good dads to our kids even after the divorce, the strain is difficult and many men simply find it easier to give up.  It may be easier, but it's the worst thing we can do for our children.

As I write this, it is June 6, 2014 - the 70th anniversary of D-Day in France in 1944.  I read a lot of World War 2 history and I've drawn much encouragement and motivation from the struggles of the allied forces during that time.  In 1941/1942, Britain was being pounded daily by German air raids and they lived in fear of invasion.  The United States had suffered the devastating defeat at Pearl Harbor where much of our Pacific Fleet was destroyed.  The next year, 1942, we lost almost all of the Pacific - Singapore, the Philippines, Wake Island, Guam, and much more.  Germany was close to conquering the Soviet Union and had occupied or conquered much of Europe and North Africa.  We were outmanned, outgunned, inexperienced, and had minimal capabilities to get our forces to the far off places where they were needed.  Everything was against us.

But we kept fighting.  We kept trying.  We didn't give up.  Soon, we took footholds in the Pacific.  Our navy began turning the tide at the Battle of Midway in June, 1942.   The allied armies began pushing the Germans back in North Africa.  We moved forward.  It was not without great cost, but positive progress was made toward our goals.

In our fight as divorced dads, the court hearings and other formalities that leave us without our kids, with large financial burdens and perhaps legal fees, senses of loss and frustration and new feelings of helplessness, we feel defeated.  The failure of our marriage may be fresh on our minds.  We feel like we cannot be successful or competent fathers.  But we can.  We just have to keep moving forward.  Two quotes from the D-Day invasion come to mind:

"There are only two kinds of people who are staying on this beach: those who are already dead and those that are gonna die. Now get off your butts...."  Col George A Taylor

"As best I can figure it, we’re on the wrong beach....  They landed us about a mile and a quarter south of where we were supposed to land.  We should be up there.  We’re starting the war from right here.  Head inland.  We’re going inland."  Gen Theodore Roosevelt

Both of these men realized that they weren't where they were supposed to be.  They realized that to stay where they were was to essentially guarantee they would fail in their goals and quite possibly die.  They knew that their only real option was to press on and to move forward toward their goals.

Our situation is similar.  Stay put - become complacent and not try to improve the situation - and things will not get better, and could likely get worse.  But press on toward your goal of being the best father you can be, and things may still be difficult and may yet get worse, but you will be moving toward your goal.  Yes, it's difficult.  Yes, it's frustrating.  Yes, it can be discouraging.  But our goal and our job is to be the best fathers we can be to our children.  We must make an effort.  If we try and fail, then we can at least say we tried.  If we don't try and then fail, then we have not only let ourselves down, but more importantly we have let our children down.  Start from where you are.  Move forward.  Fight for your children.  They're worth it.