Fighting for Your Children

As divorced fathers, particularly non-custodial ones, we quickly find ourselves without many of the rights and privileges related to our children that we had before.  Some of these are taken from us by the nature of divorce, some by our ex, and some by the courts.  As a result, there are many groups and initiatives that champion father's rights and encourage us to fight for those rights.  I've had to do my share of that since the divorce.  I've held my ex in contempt several times for not letting me see or talk to my kids, and for other efforts to interfere with the relationship between my children and me.

We need to be careful, however, when determining what we're fighting for.  We can easily get caught up in fighting for us - our rights, our reputation, our time - and not realize that our children are getting caught in the middle.  It's not that those things are not worthy of a fight, but what is the goal - to better things for ourselves, or to better things for our children?

In the fall of 1944, the United States was preparing the promised return to the Philippines, which had been lost in 1942 to the Japanese, and had a fleet set apart to protect the US invasion force.  Commanded by Admiral Bull Halsey, the goal was simple - protect the invasion force.  But Halsey was given another option as well - destroy the Japanese aircraft carriers if the opportunity presents itself.  Halsey opted to take his fleet aircraft carriers and heavy warships off to pursue the remaining Japanese carriers - a noble goal, and one that could certainly help the war effort.  But in doing so, he left the invasion force to be guarded by a secondary task force, called Taffy 3, comprised of slow, small escort carriers, destroyers and destroyer escorts.  When Halsey removed his task force from the Philippine islands, the Japanese moved their primary surface fleet into the void.  This fleet was significantly larger, stronger, faster, and more powerful than Taffy 3, which was now the only thing standing between the Japanese and the US invasion force.  Taffy 3, though heavily outmatched in every way, succeeded in turning away the Japanese attack in an heroic defense that has gone down in US naval history as one of its finest moments.  But in doing so, one ship was sunk, 23 aircraft were lost, almost 1600 men were killed or missing, and nearly 1000 were injured.   The Japanese carrier task force that Halsey pursued was a decoy.  They engaged in no combat. (Learn more - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_off_Samar)

Halsey may have been justified in pursuing what he thought were the Japanese carriers.  There was nothing wrong with that goal in itself.  But in pursuing that goal, he lost sight of his primary goal - protecting the invasion force.  Fortunately for him and for the US war effort, Taffy 3 filled the void, though at great cost in hardware and lives - a cost that was, quite arguably, entirely avoidable.

Our experience as fathers is similar.  We have lost many rights and privileges with our children - of this there is no doubt - and we want those things back.  But our primary job is to look out for the welfare of our children.  In the pursuit of our rights, our children can get caught in the crossfire.  They can be impacted in a variety of ways.  The first question we must ask ourselves when considering the fight for our rights as fathers is this - how will it impact our children?  What price will they pay?

We must choose our battles wisely.  The primary goal of a father is not to defend and stick up for ourselves - it is to defend and stick up for our children.  There are fights worth fighting - most definitely.  But others are less certain.

Be careful to not let other ambitions, goals, or desires detract from your primary goal - being a father and protecting your children.  The stakes are far higher for them than for us.  Choose wisely.