All or Nothing

I remember when my first child was born, and how I pictured the days ahead and the things we would do together.  I thought about the future - learning to swim, riding bikes, helping with his homework, school functions, soccer games, or his science fair project.  And then, when he was two years old, his mother and I separated.  Two years later they moved seven hours away.

I was devastated.  To add insult to injury, a year after moving, their mother remarried.  Now my children had another man in their life  - someone else who would do these things with them.

I wanted to do it all.  I'm their father - I should be able to do it all.  But I couldn't.  Between the divorce, the move, and the step-father, it just wasn't possible.  What could I do?  I was faced with two very simple options: give up and let someone else handle all of my responsibilities and experience all those moments, or buckle down and do what I could.  Thankfully, I chose the latter.

Typically, we non-custodial dads get marginalized as parents.  Our time with our kids is reduced to a "visit."  Our role as their emotional and developmental support is shifted to one primarily of financial support - or that's how the courts seem to see it.  But we have two choices - give in to what some seem to think a father is, or buckle down and be what our children need their father to be.

The role you play with your children is completely up to you.  Your ex or the courts can make it more difficult, but only you determine how that time is used.  When you have your children with you, give every moment of that time to them.  Teach them.  Be their father, not just someone they visit.

I've been fortunate.  Despite my circumstances, I've been able to teach my kids how to swing, ride their bikes, swim, snow ski, snorkel and many other things I never thought I'd be able to do.  I was able to do these things simply because I made the effort and I was determined to continue to be their father.  I've never been able to see either of them off on the first day of school, help them with their homework, teach them to tie their shoes, or hug them after a hard day at school.  Those things hurt, but I can only do what I can do, and I treasure the memories of what we've shared.

Too often we may think that because we can't do everything, it might be better that we do nothing.  That is the furthest from the truth.  We may not be able to do everything we'd like, but we can at least make the effort.  If we don't at least try, we'll never have those moments.

Basketball great Michael Jordan is quoted as saying, "I have missed more than 9000 shots in my career.  I've lost almost 300 games.  Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed.  I've failed over and over again in my life.  And that is why I succeed."  During his NBA career he missed more than half of his field goal attempts.  But he's not known for his misses.  He is known for being willing to take the shot, for always being there for his team and for creating opportunities for them to win.

Our choices are more than doing it all or doing nothing.  Our greatest choice is to do everything we can with the opportunities we're given.  Look for the opportunities you have.  Make new opportunities.  Determine to take advantage of every moment you have together so you will be the father they need.

We're not going to be able to do everything, and our children aren't expecting that of us.  They won't remember the things were weren't able to do as much as they will the things we did do.  But for them to have those moments to remember, we have to be there and make the effort.  They're not looking for the perfect father.  They're looking for a present father.  They don't need you to be the hero.  They just need you to be here.

Jordan is also quoted as saying, "I can accept failure.  Everyone fails at something.  But I can't accept not trying."  Our children are no different.  They won't notice the things you weren't able to do.  They'll only notice if you don't try.

Back to School

As summer draws to a close and we approach the new school year, there are  challenges we non-custodial fathers face when it comes to our child's schooling.  Below are some measures we can take to make sure we are involved in our children's education:

• Ensure the school knows you are the father
  This may seem unnecessary, but depending upon your relationship with your ex, you need to ensure the school knows you are the father.  Confirm they have your accurate contact information and that you are listed as an emergency contact.
• Make sure the school knows you have a right to your children
  It can't hurt to provide the school with a copies of the relevant portions of your divorce agreement which state your rights as a father.  This removes the "he said she said" aspect and makes it clear to the school who has what rights regarding the children.
• Familiarize yourself with the school
  If you can visit - visit.  If you cannot, look at their activities, general schedule, special events, etc. on their web site.  Become as familiar as possible with your children's school so you can engage them in relevant conversation.
• Introduce yourself to the teacher(s) and staff
  Find out who your children's teachers are.  Email and/or call them and introduce yourself and explain the nature of your relationship to your child in terms of how often you will see them and any other variables that may be important.  But when doing so, be certain not to demean or criticize their mother in any way.  Teachers do not want or need to be in the middle of your divorce.  Also make yourself known to the school's guidance counselor.  It is important that they know the child's living situation.  Take care not to make specific references about the other parent or about what you suspect, but only about your arrangement with your child and any concerns you know the child to have regarding the divorce - not the other parent.
• Make full use of the internet
  Many schools have online or Email newsletters.  Some classrooms have Facebook pages, or Instagram account, etc.  Find out what is available for your children and make sure you are signed up for those opportunities.  This is an easy way to be involved in your child's education and know what they're doing on a regular basis.

Once school has begun, there are additional ways you can stay involved:

• Follow their grades and progress online
  Most schools have password protected sites where your child's grades and progress are posted.  Make sure you are signed up for this and that you check it regularly.  This will help you see where they're doing well and where they may be struggling, as well as attendance and other matters.
• Keep in regular contact with their teacher(s)
  Schedule a time each month or some other regular period where you will call and/or Email the teachers to keep up with your child's performance.  Note that time in your smartphone or whatever calendar you use so you don't forget.
• Engage your child's interests
  There are many things we can do to assist our child's education during the limited time they're with us and without making them feel like they're back in school.  If your child enjoys social studies, take them to a nearby historical location.  If they like spelling and vocabulary, play Scrabble or something similar together.  If they enjoy math, challenge them with math questions when you're at the store.  Be creative, but be involved.
• Keep up with homework or special assignments
  Stay involved with the teachers to know what assignments are ongoing.  Before the kids come to your house, ask your ex, or the child's teacher if your ex won't cooperate, if there are any assignments due when they return to school.  If you can help - do it.  Don't put all the responsibility on their mother just because she's the custodial parent.  You are still the father - participate.
• Volunteer to help
  Some of us are close enough to our children's school where we can volunteer.  Some of us are not.  For those of us who are not close, you may be involved by providing materials, donating money, or doing things electronically/online.  When my daughter was in 4th grade, I volunteered to take all the pictures the teacher had posted on their Facebook page and put them in an online album.  If you are willing, their teacher can likely find a way for you to help.  Teachers want parents to be involved and will do what they can to assist.
• Attend any and all events you can
  Unless specifically prohibited by the court, make the effort to attend every event that involves your child.  If you can't make every event, schedule the ones you can attend, mark it on your calendar, let your child know you'll be there, and show up and be seen.  Even if their mother won't permit you to have any significant interaction with your child during or after, show up.  Do what you can do and your children will notice.  Show up, be positive, and be encouraging.
• Assist with extra-curricular expenses
  Generally, child support is not officially designated for extracurricular activities, but for "essentials" such as clothes, food, housing, etc.  If you're told that the kids aren't signing up for activities due to the expense, offer to pay for them if you can, but consider sending the check directly to the school so there's no questioning the handling of the money.  You can even offer to cover the expenses proactively.  If you can't pay for all, pay for as much as you can.  It may not be the ideal involvement, but if it benefits your child it's worth doing.

Last, and perhaps most importantly, work to improve communications between yourself and your ex.  There are many options available - shared calendars in particular are helpful for keeping up with activities and schedules.  This can be something general like Google Calendar, or an app specific for family communications, like SquareHub.  It is understood that not everyone will be cooperative, but at least make the suggestion and give it a try.  Improved communications between the parents means an improved environment for the children.

Just because you are not the custodial parent, that is no excuse for you to abandon your responsibilities for your child's education.  Our situation makes it more difficult, but not impossible. Being a dad is more than just playing and even disciplining.  It's about being involved, about teaching, about encouraging, and about supporting.  Get involved with your child's education as much as possible.  They will notice and will appreciate it.  There's no better way to teach your child about responsibility than by example.  Be responsible and be involved.