Fathering by Example

On a recent weekend with me, my son, who is nine, told me this: "That's one of the things you taught me. You didn't mean to, but you showed me."  We were riding bikes at the time, and as an avid mountain biker I've been trying to get him into the sport by giving him little tips and encouragement, but ultimately it comes down to me showing him (1) that it can be done and (2) how to do it.  I don't remember at all what he was referring to, but it swelled my chest as though I had just climbed the highest mountain or completed the most difficult descent.  It made me realize he watches me more than he listens to me.

Fathers are leaders - whether they be leaders of a family (along with their wife, or alone after a divorce), leaders of a church, or leaders of a nation.  The greatest leaders are known for leading by example.  They are consistent - whether they are in front of those they lead or apart from them.  Leaders have reputations, and those they lead quickly discern those reputations.

For non-custodial fathers, it's easy to forget that we're still leaders of our children.  There's no such thing as a part-time leader.  There's no such thing as a part-time father.  Our kids may be with us part-time, but we are always fathers, just as they are always our children.  We should be mindful of this in all we do.

Our children will learn far more from watching us than they will ever learn from listening to us.  They will follow our examples - whether it be good or bad.  Even as non-custodial fathers, there are many ways we can lead our children by example whether they are with us or not:

• How we treat women - including their mother
• How we overcome adversity and handle frustration
• How to apologize and that there is strength in humility
• How to be responsible with money and time and our job
• How to take care of ourselves - our body, spirit and mind
• How to win and lose with dignity
• How to be persistent and not give up
• How to respect authority figures and the law
• How to be faithful, loyal and honest

I'm aware that many of these are far easier said than done - and that's exactly what makes them so important.  If we don't teach our children the right way to do these things, who will?  If we don't teach them the right way to do these things then we'll be teaching them the wrong way and setting them back in life.  There's nothing in any kind of leadership that says you have to enjoy doing what you're doing.  Often, the greatest acts of leadership are unpleasant.  But leaders do what needs to be done because they know others are depending on them.

There's a saying - "Be the person you want your children to become."  There is great truth in those few words.  When they're with you or away from you, your children are always watching in some way or another.  They are learning either the right way or the wrong way to do things.  They may live most of the time with their mother, they may have a step-father, but we will always and forever be the only father they will ever have.  We only get one chance.  We can't change the past, but we can start now.  Live like the person you want your children to be.  Give them an example they can mirror and behaviors they can emulate.  Be aware that they are always watching and be consistent.  There are few things they will learn more from than your example.  Make it a positive one.