Fight for Your Children

In general, we men are fighters.  We're fixers.  We see a problem, we fix it.  We have a struggle, we fight through it.  But divorce is different.  We can't fix it.  We can't fight it - especially not literally.  In many cases we lose our kids, we lose a great deal of our money, we lose a measure of pride, and the losses may continue in other areas.  For those of us who try to be good dads to our kids even after the divorce, the strain is difficult and many men simply find it easier to give up.  It may be easier, but it's the worst thing we can do for our children.

As I write this, it is June 6, 2014 - the 70th anniversary of D-Day in France in 1944.  I read a lot of World War 2 history and I've drawn much encouragement and motivation from the struggles of the allied forces during that time.  In 1941/1942, Britain was being pounded daily by German air raids and they lived in fear of invasion.  The United States had suffered the devastating defeat at Pearl Harbor where much of our Pacific Fleet was destroyed.  The next year, 1942, we lost almost all of the Pacific - Singapore, the Philippines, Wake Island, Guam, and much more.  Germany was close to conquering the Soviet Union and had occupied or conquered much of Europe and North Africa.  We were outmanned, outgunned, inexperienced, and had minimal capabilities to get our forces to the far off places where they were needed.  Everything was against us.

But we kept fighting.  We kept trying.  We didn't give up.  Soon, we took footholds in the Pacific.  Our navy began turning the tide at the Battle of Midway in June, 1942.   The allied armies began pushing the Germans back in North Africa.  We moved forward.  It was not without great cost, but positive progress was made toward our goals.

In our fight as divorced dads, the court hearings and other formalities that leave us without our kids, with large financial burdens and perhaps legal fees, senses of loss and frustration and new feelings of helplessness, we feel defeated.  The failure of our marriage may be fresh on our minds.  We feel like we cannot be successful or competent fathers.  But we can.  We just have to keep moving forward.  Two quotes from the D-Day invasion come to mind:

"There are only two kinds of people who are staying on this beach: those who are already dead and those that are gonna die. Now get off your butts...."  Col George A Taylor

"As best I can figure it, we’re on the wrong beach....  They landed us about a mile and a quarter south of where we were supposed to land.  We should be up there.  We’re starting the war from right here.  Head inland.  We’re going inland."  Gen Theodore Roosevelt

Both of these men realized that they weren't where they were supposed to be.  They realized that to stay where they were was to essentially guarantee they would fail in their goals and quite possibly die.  They knew that their only real option was to press on and to move forward toward their goals.

Our situation is similar.  Stay put - become complacent and not try to improve the situation - and things will not get better, and could likely get worse.  But press on toward your goal of being the best father you can be, and things may still be difficult and may yet get worse, but you will be moving toward your goal.  Yes, it's difficult.  Yes, it's frustrating.  Yes, it can be discouraging.  But our goal and our job is to be the best fathers we can be to our children.  We must make an effort.  If we try and fail, then we can at least say we tried.  If we don't try and then fail, then we have not only let ourselves down, but more importantly we have let our children down.  Start from where you are.  Move forward.  Fight for your children.  They're worth it.

Father's Day for Divorced Dads

One of the nice things about Father's Day for most of us divorced dads is that we are usually guaranteed to see our kids for at least part of that weekend.  It should be a special time, but it can be awkward if the relationship with their mother is strained and the children - particularly young children - have not been given any help in recognizing us in any way.  From the children's perspective, Father's Day should be about recognizing and thanking you as a father.  But from your perspective, it should be about you showing how much you love and appreciate them as your children.  Here are some ideas on how to do these things and make it a special Father's Day for both you and your kids.

Gifts and Cards
There are several options, depending upon the age of your kids.  Here are some that I've done and that may spur some ideas for you:

• Blind Shopping
  This is easy and was the first time I helped them get me something for Father's Day.  They wanted to get me something, but were both still in single digits at the time, so I just took them to a store where they had an ample supply of greeting cards and let them pick.  They took the cards to the counter, all the while hiding the card in the envelope so I couldn't see it. I explained to the clerk what we were doing, they rang up the cards and gave me the total.  This was maybe 4 years ago and these cards are still my favorites and still sit on my mantle with other cards they have given me.
• Budgeted Shopping
  Two years ago, my kids expressed that they wanted to get me something.  They explained that mommy had gotten presents for them to give me but had forgotten to send the presents with them, and they were crushed to tears.  I gave them a budget ($40) and said that you can each spend $20 or both spend $40, but that was what they had to work with.  I took them to the store and shadowed them from a distance to make sure they weren't cutting up, but when I spoke to employees that had spoken to them found that they were being very responsible and very thoughtful in their gift selection.  They also learned the value of a dollar - the first gift they wanted to get me was a regular iPad.  When they found out how expensive that was they tried a digital camera, and so on, until they found out what you can actually get for $20 or $40. Once again, they surprised me with wonderfully thoughtful and special gifts that I value and use to this day.

• Creative Expression
  Set aside some time for the kids to make you a card or perhaps even a gift, depending upon the resources available and their age.  Kids can be wonderfully honest and sweet when they make things themselves and while the monetary value may be nothing, the sentimental value of such gifts can be priceless.
• Photographs/Digital Gifts
  If the kids are older, they can order photo gifts online with a budget.  They could also use an app on a phone or tablet to make and/or edit an image that they could simply send to you or perhaps purchase for you.  They could also make a short video, sing a song, or numerous other things that today's technology allows.

Honoring Your Kids

For us divorced dads, the gift in our situation is not getting a day to ourselves, but getting a day with our children.  Show them how special they are.  Take them on a weekend trip, out for ice cream, to the park, to a movie, etc.  Do something to show them how much you love them and where you can spend quality time together.  I've been fortunate to have access to a beach house that we'll go to this year for Father's Day weekend and that we went to last year as well.  It was a lot of work for a single dad with two children, but it was a wonderfully special time for all of us and a great set of memories built for them.  On Father's Day Sunday, it was particularly nice to hear people wish me a Happy Father's Day when I was out with my kids.

Other options, taken from the suggestions above, are to print out or edit a picture of you with them and have that framed for your house or apartment.  Do something to recognize you and them as family - something that will always be there as a reminder of that relationship.

Worst Case Scenario
In a worst case scenario where you do not, for whatever reason, see them on Father's Day, there are other options.  You can Skype or FaceTime with them.  You can also recognize Father's Day on another day.  If there is anything you can do - no matter how small or insignificant it may seem - do it.  But whatever you do, don't malign their mother even if the situation is of her doing.  It does no one any good, is particularly harmful to the kids, and reflects poorly upon you.

Don't depend on their mother to help them recognize you.  Maybe she will, maybe she won't.  Help the kids recognize you, and do something to recognize them, and this could be the best Father's Day weekend you and they have ever had.